What I learned today.....a day of self-discovery

Monday, April 30, 2007

Current mood: contemplative Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Today I learned that I truly am the master of my own destiny. It's not a new concept.......but today that reality jumped up and slapped me in the face...... I was lost in grief.....sobbing loudly and wondering why...... Why me.....why my baby?.......why now......why this way?......just what am I supposed to learn from this.......haven't I had enough heartache for one lifetime...... Have I not passed the test of strength and endurance? Well, the answer is YES.......yes I have passed that test......yes I am a strong person.....a survivor....... But what I am not is a willing participant in this journey called life. I have merely spent each day for as long as I can remember........existing........not living........just getting by...... I thought back to some of my life experiences..........remembering how sometimes things just happened.........things I did not ask for.........BUT......I forged ahead.......never slinking away from the problems that have plagued me.......always coming out "OK"..... Step 1: Identify the problem. Step 2: Scratch your head.....put on your thinking cap.....and create a valid solution. Step 3: Implement the plan of action. And if you're lucky.......go to step 4......which is....... Step 4: Breathe a sigh of relief because although you may have come through it a bit bruised and battered.....the fact remains.....you have survived. What to do if there doesn't seem to be a solution to the problem?....... Step 1: Accept the situation for what it is...... Step 2: Breathe.....and remember that tomorrow always comes no matter what.....AND THEN...... Step 3: Move on....... AGAIN......you may come through this a bit bruised and battered.....but the fact remains......~YOU HAVE SURVIVED!..... and.....you found a not so obvious solution to a problem that you THOUGHT there was no solution for.... Now, to get to what I learned today....... Why has happiness escaped me....... Step 1: Ask the question.....What would make me happy?.....What is lacking in my life? Step 2: How will I acquire what it is that I desire? Step 3: Face my fears....and accept that this is most likely the biggest hurdle that has prevented me from finding.....or keeping ..... that which I desire. My biggest fear(s).......rejection......& loneliness..... Coping strategies?.......keep to myself.....live a solitary existence....convince myself that I am better off this way.....and hope for the best...... Does this work?......the big answer is NO!!!!!!!!!!! I inevitably find myself being rejected, due to the fact that I keep to myself......which then leads to loneliness......heartache....tears...... and hours of self-talk trying to convince myself that I am better off this way. I wondered to myself......why doesn't he see me..... why can't he see how much I care.....and know how lucky he would be to have me in his life? I thought back.....what was different then? The answer........ME.....I was different then.......I was different because I had nothing to lose......or so I naively thought at that time...... this guy doesn't know me.....he doesn't know a thing about me...... I am free to be me...... there are no pre-conceived notions of who I might be....and it doesn't matter anyway because this guy is going to leave and I will never see him again..... So, I allowed myself to be seen......I laughed...... I listened....... and I spoke freely about my opinions on life in general....... I did keep my personal stuff to myself.....no sense scaring the poor guy...... Now, we get to the scary part......."uh oh......I am beginning to feel something.....and it feels good.....too good......", (which then leads to more self-talk)......'if it feels too good to be true, then it probably is'......(solution?)......withdraw.....like a turtle inside my shell..... (now what).......too late, the damage is done.....now it's time to defend myself.....believing that it's best to do something to push this guy away before he rejects me......(did it work).....yes and no...... I succeeded in pushing him away...... he began to change his way of seeing me.....which then led to rejection......then heartache......then tears.....then loneliness......then hours and hours of self-talk to convince myself that I am better off alone...... But am I happy?...........NO......I AM NOT HAPPY.......I feel sad......hurt.......rejected......and lonely....... Solution..... put myself out there.....open myself back up.....and let the whole world see me for who I really am..... And who I am is not the same as who I used to be.....I didn't like who I was......that scared little girl who hid behind closed doors....keeping to myself.....how can I expect anyone else to want me that way? Who do I want to be......I want to be someone that my boys will admire and look up to.....someone free and alive...... someone not afraid to step out into the sunshine and face each day anew..... I want Bennett-Chadlen to look down from up above and say......"see that lady down there.....that's my mommy, and she's the best mommy in the whole world...... "I am proud to say that she's my mommy". I don't know if I will end up where I want to be....or if I'll end up with the guy who has my heart....life is not a perfect adventure. Nobody's perfect.....I will never be flawless....... but today I am happy to be me...... A diamond in the rough.