A BIG, BIG DAY.....

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Current mood: indescribable Category: Life Today is my first day all alone since before Bennett was born. My boys are at school.....my mother has returned to work. I am still staying at my mom's house....I cannot even think about being without her right now. Sitting here alone is so, so difficult. I haven't really had a good cry since the night of Bennett's funeral. It was a really difficult day for me to say the least. I had been surrounded by so many people for days and felt so claustrophobic by the end of it all.....imagining my poor baby all alone in the dark. I know they say he is not in there....that his spirit has left and moved on......but still.......I have a difficult time finding comfort in that......it is not enough. Maybe his spirit has moved on.....but the part of him that is not with me anymore is the physical part that I had carried around inside of me for so long......feeling each tiny flutter in the early days.....and loving and enjoying each stronger kick and wiggle right up to the moment he was born...... Following the birth of each of my boys......there was always that sense of loss.....just a bit......because I could no longer feel that 'bump' that had become such a part of me......I literally felt like a part of me had been amputated. I had my babies in my arms......but I missed the feeling of having each of them inside of me also. Now, I cannot feel Bennett in my arms........and he is no longer inside of me......I hurt so much there are no words to describe it.......I am brought to tears right now just thinking about it..... I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!! I WANT HIM BACK.......this is the worst feeling ever...... I pray that no one should ever have to feel this pain....but I know that someone out there is sharing my grief, for reasons of their own. Innocent babies leave their parents arms each day...... Why? I do not know....... I am told there is a reason for everything...... I want to know the reason for this....... I wish someone could help me to make sense of it all....... Bennett-Chadlen.....I miss you so much........I wish I could hear you whisper in my ear and tell me why you had to go.....why you?.....why any of you? I want to hear you tell me that you are ok....I want to hear you tell me that it's ok for me to be sad.....I want to hear you tell me that it's ok for me to be happy too.....I want to hear you tell me that you are with me now, even if I can't see you....... Oh little one......my darling little sweetiepie.......I love you so much. Please help mommy to get stronger each day.....help me to find comfort in thoughts of you....I want to remember you without heartache.....I want to look at photos of your beautiful image and not hurt so bad I can hardly breath.......I want to smile instead......And don't forget Daddy......he hurts too...... I think I need to go and purge all these sorrows away.....I have been holding it all inside for days now......not wanting to show my grief.....I have been told it is not healthy to hold it all in.......that crying is a great way of releasing all those pent up feelings and will eventually help me to feel better.......no one is around to hear my cries today.......and that's a good thing.....because I know that once I allow myself to start.....it is going to be difficult to stop......and no one needs to hear this........ Bennett....if you can hear me.....please don't be scared or sad......be happy knowing that mommy's pain comes from the deep love I have for you......and from the loss of happiness I had during those days we had together.......Mommy will be ok......one day.......