I HAVE A SERIOUS ISSUE TO ADDRESS!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Current mood: crushed Category: Life NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION...... I really, really appreciate the concern all of you have about my unborn Baby Bennett.....and this delicate situation I am living with. I don't want to sound un-grateful....so please bear with me while I get a couple of things off of my chest. I am experiencing a really, really difficult time right now. I cannot tell you how much I am hurting knowing that very soon I may lose my son. Funeral arrangements have been made....try and imagine what this has been like for me. I have not washed baby clothes in preparation for a joyous homecoming from the hospital. I do not have a crib set up.....the nursery has not been prepared. I am not joyfully counting down the days until I meet my precious Bennett face to face....quite frankly it is scaring me to death to have him removed from my body....where he is growing, and living.....so safely. Now......to get down to the task at hand here..... BENNETT'S DAD.....yes he has one. He may not be the kind of dad I wish he had.....but I can't change that. This pregnancy was A VERY UNEXPECTED SURPRISE TO BOTH OF US......ME MORE THAN HIM..... I told him not to worry about it....I wasn't.....never thought in a million years this would happen. The timing sucks for both of us. He was innocently passing through town on a trip of a lifetime.....we met......shared some time together......and it was wonderful. I have no regrets. My life had reached the point where i was feeling so low you cannot even imagine what it was like. I had just spent 4 long, sexless, loveless, abusive years caring for a man who had once been my loving husband. He is now suffering a brain injury he received while saving a little old lady's house from burning to the ground. He was a firefighter, a certified diver, a valued member of his team, and our family. He was the breadwinner of the family, enabling me to be at home and care for our boys....right where i wanted to be. We lost a lot from his injury, and he will never be the same again. I met Bennett's dad right when I needed to. He really is not a bad guy. I immediately felt comfortable with him from the moment we met. We share a lot of things in common....political and social view points, the same wacky sense of humor....and a love of animals. He treated me and my boys with the utmost of respect....and was here for several days before anything happened between us. For the record....I WAS THE INSTIGATOR!......this was not rushed into.....and we discussed this before it happened......very maturely as more people should. I told him not to worry about anything.....so he didn't......we didn't. He stayed 5 more days......and it was the most carefree, wonderful time of my life......and I don't think just anyone could have made me feel that way......it was him...... Unfortunately....this situation has affected him in a negative way....but he is not holding it against the baby.....he knows this baby is innocent....and while he is upset with me for conceiving a child when I told him it wouldn't happen.....well....no one can blame him for that. Now some of you may be thinking I was probably so out of my mind with other worries that I wasn't thinking straight when I chose to indulge so carelessly with a man I had just met....but that was not so. There is a good reason I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet.....I am a strong woman.....I have a head on my shoulders.....and believe it or not....I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING......... I am not ready now....nor was I then.....for a relationship with anyone.....regardless of who it was, or how wonderful he may be. I figured I owed myself a bit of pleasure.....I was nearing 36....and just wanted an opportunity to live for once....do something spontaneous.....who was it going to hurt?....who would ever have to know?.......harmless fun....big deal.....between two consenting adults....... Having a baby at this time in my life is disasterous to say the least....it doesn't help a divorce any to get pregnant with another man's baby....I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.....seriously..... Am I dissapointed that things haven't worked out better between us?.....YES....... Do I regret telling him about the baby at all.....YES..... Am I sorry I ever met this man?....NO..... There is so much more to this story that I am not going to reveal......it is complicated.....and personal and private....... BENNETT IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME RIGHT NOW......I need to surround myself with peace......so that I can just relax and enjoy the little time we have left together. Please try and understand that I do not have angry feelings towards Bennett's father.....maybe it is hormones making me mushy.....I don't know.....but he is my son's father....and I have to respect my son enough not to stir up nastiness while he is here for what may be such a short time. I care for this man....I feel deeply for what he is experiencing right now too....none of you know what is going on with his life that is preventing him from being as supportive as we all wish he would be. He has his choices to make.....and he will have to live with those choices.....quite possibly with a lot of regret later on.....maybe not......I don't know. There is nothing I can do to change any of this....I have tried and tried and tried......as well as cried and cried and cried. I can't do it anymore....I give up. I know that my son will have me and my love until the end of time....that is the only thing in this world that I am one hundred percent sure of......the rest is what it is...... I may lose my son anyday......even though he is not due to come until the end of March. Bennett's dad will have to live with his decision not to support me and be involved in his son's life. He will suffer the consequences of not being able to meet his innocent child because he can't seem to get over how he was conceived so unwittingly. Sending him messages.....and posting public comments about him is not going to help this situation any....infact.....it is hurting me immensely......and pushing him even further away from me and his son....he blames me.....as he thinks I am doing nothing other than bash him to anyone who will listen....and even believes that I am sending people to his page to send him these messages.....when infact.....this could not be further from the truth. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY SON......MY INNOCENT, PRECIOUS LITTLE BENNETT.......BELIEVING THAT HIS FATHER HATES ME EVEN MORE BECAUSE OF THE COMMENTS THAT ARE NOT COMING FROM ME.....SO PLEASE STOP.....AND PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES.....BECAUSE RIGHT NOW....... I AM MAKING THIS ABOUT ME.....AND I HAVE ENOUGH TO CRY ABOUT ALREADY. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.