The New Normal.......what is it???

Monday, October 22, 2007

The New Normal.......what is it??? Current mood: melancholy Category: Life Well.....it has been a very long time since I have written here......not sure why......but sense it has something to do with "MY NEW NORMAL" What is this?? Well........Angel Mommies all have to discover this for ourselves.....muddling our way through our days....discovering ways to find a comfort in our skins. Believe me.....it isn't easy. My skin doesn't fit anymore. It feels tight.....and a bit itchy......especially in places that I cannot reach for myself.....like the middle of the back that no matter what you do....it just isn't reachable. We can ask someone to "scratch" it for us......but the itch will inevitably come back.....it always does. In different places......sometimes in places we can reach.......but scratching it is only a temporary fix. The "elusive" itch always comes back. I also liken it to having a "burr under my saddle". Imagine it......it's there. Right on the surface at first...but if you can't get it out.....it just burrows itself deeper into the flesh. Ending up.....Kinda like a sliver. Often times.....you know the sliver is there.....but you can't see it. At first you dig and dig.....trying to get it out. The "wound" is very raw....the more you pick and dig. It hurts.....sometimes you might cry.....but it doesn't make the invisible irritant go away. Eventually you just have to ignore it....and hope it festers its way out in time. Sometimes the discomfort is just on the surface.....like a blister from a mis-fitting pair of shoes. It hurts at first.....but goes away eventually, in a matter of days. Sometimes the hurt is much deeper than that. I had my appendix out when I was 10 yrs old. That was many, many years ago.......but the scar will always be there. Visible to the naked eye........but placed in an area that is only visible if I "choose" to reveal it to you. The fact of the matter is this.......... I live with an ever-changing pain and discomfort that will never, ever go away. So......what do I do to get rid of this?? Sit back....put my feet up......and try to get as comfortable as possible......because it is going to be a long and bumpy ride. I live with an incurable condition.....called "grief". Bennett-Chadlen's dad told me a while back......that Bennett is "tattooed on his soul". I love this. It describes perfectly the intensity with which we love our son. It will never subside....or go away. I wear a scar on my heart.......down deep where you will never see it. I pray that you will never know it either. Currently reading : Sylvia Browne’s Journey of the Soul-Box Set By Sylvia Browne Release date: By 01 September, 2001