My first visit to Bennett's grave

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Current mood: sad Category: Life Bennett Chadlen Roy was laid to rest in a beautiful little cemetary just 6 miles outside my hometown. He is underneath a row of beautiful, old shade trees.......what kind....i do not know as there aren't leaves on them yet. The sun was shining and there was a gentle, cool breeze. As we approached I could feel myself becoming anxious.....and not in a good way.....but I knew I had to do it. Tuesday evening I had to have Chadlen take me to the car as everyone was tossing tiny bits of soil into the grave. The sound of the tiny stones mixed with sand was too much for me to take. I felt like I was suffocating.....like it was me laying inside of there. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing the hole all filled in. I took my time getting out of the car.....and I took a long, deep breath. I approached his grave with hesitation....waiting to feel the breath sucked out of me.....but it did not happen. I walked to the edge......nothing happened. I looked at the flowers wishing that our most recent snowfall had not affected them so negatively......what were once such vibrant daisies....were now just brown and listless. I looked at his grave marker, which is a beautiful wooden cross that was built and painted by my younger brother. He also built Bennett's casket, which I am sure was not an easy thing to do....for a tiny newborn nephew that he never got to see alive. Upon closer examination of the cross.....someone had left Nimkee a lollipop and a chocolate coin......how thoughtful. My mother took the boys for a walk down the country road, to look for the geese which had flown overhead, honking loudly as we had arrived. I was left alone with my darling, wee Bennett. I remembered how we had lovingly placed him into his spacious casket.....lined with the softest, blue blanket in the world. We tucked rolled up blankets around his sides, so he would feel so snuggy.....like his mommy's arms were holding him for his eternal rest. We placed handrawn pictures and family photos around him....then Chadlen and I tucked him in with his special, furry friends.....the same ones he had surrounding his isolette at the hospital NICU.....a puppy rattle from daddy, a prayer bunny, yellow lion, and a white lamb from his brothers, a treasured and long loved Snuggle Bear from his eldest brother Brendan......a white puppy from his Auntie Christine...a yellow ducky from his Auntie Laurie and family.....and last but not least....I tucked him in swaddled in a beautiful handcrocheted blanket I had made for him......to keep him warm forever. Daddy & I kissed him one last time.....and told him how much we loved him..... I remember Daddy saying how he looked like the most comfortable little baby in the world.......and he did. So while I stood there looking at the mound of fresh earth and stones....all I could think about was that vision of our precious Bennett Chadlen Roy.....snuggled in beautifully, just the way we would have each night before bed. I felt a comfort in knowing that he was not squished inside.....as my brother made it plenty spacious with ample overhead space as well. I can't deny that I eventually shed a few tears as I began to speak to him. I told him how much I missed him.....and how much Daddy misses him too......and I told him how much we love him, and how proud of him we are for being such a strong and beautiful baby. I know he was there with me when I felt the gust of wind come up across my face......like a gentle caress by the softest of lips..... the lips of an angel.......