It's all about my boys.......

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Just a little more insight into my life....it's all about my boys.... Current mood: rejected Category: Life anyone who knows me knows that i live for my children......they are all truly gifts from God....no matter how they came to be......or the timing..... sometimes we have to take a wrong situation and make it right.....just like DR. PHIL says....lol...... my eldest boy Brendan was born on Sept. 25, 1986.....i had just turned 16 in august.....he was not the product of a wonderful and loving moment.....if you know what i mean.... when i found out that i was going to have a baby.....especially conceived in such a way as he was.....i was devastated.....i was 15 years old....and my parents had just separated a couple of weeks before...so things were rough all the way around....i never was really close with my parents....so i could not tell them how it happened.....only they did need to know about the pregnancy.....as sooner or later it would begin to show..... i did make a plan to end the pregnancy.....but then my dad asked me why i wanted to do this....as he knew that i was not happy about it.....i told him that i did not even like the baby's dad.....he told me something that i will never forget....he said...... "you have to remember that this is your baby too....".... and there it was...wow.....it was my baby....from there on out.....and i felt so protective of my baby...... people would ask me who's it was.....i would reply, "MINE".... and that would settle it....no more questions..... i spent the next 10 years struggling to get by with this little one of mine....and it wasn't always easy.....but we sure did have some good times together.....we had to make our own fun....money was tight.....and we did it without a lot of help a lot of the time......we left the island when he was 1 yr old and stayed away for 8 years... when he was 4 he was hit by a truck while playing with the neighbour boy...and the boys dad....the driver was a young male......18 years old....out for a drive in his dad's brand new pick-up....(he did not slow down or move into the other lane while driving past my son)... and since Brendan was only 4 he was not very careful.....he accidently stepped infront of the truck...and it nearly took his life..... the doctor told me that it is a miracle that he can even walk or talk after the damage he received....but God was with us.....and spared us a tragedy....there is not a day that goes by that i don't appreciate the value of my boys....no matter how rough the days get..... i learned to live each day as though it is your last....... have you ever wondered how many women on the Titantic passed up dessert because they were watching their waistlines.....little did they know it would be their last meal.....so i have vowed to never deny myself a brownie.....or whatever it may be.....if i die today....then so be it......when your number's up.....your number's up.....i would rather die fat and happy....then to have never lived at all...... :O) my next 3 boys were planned.....which does not make me love them anymore than the first.....or this last one in vitro..... in January 2004....2 of my boys were diagnosed with a rare blood disease.....called familial spherocytosis....it a disorder similar to sickle cell anemia.....or thalassemia.....but there is far less information available about it...as it is rarer to have...... i am still reeling financially from my many trips to the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital.......my 8 year old Tristan....had his spleen and his gallbladder removed due to the side-effects of this disease.....and he is currently on daily doses of penicillin to prevent bacterial infections which could become fatal.....he requires extra immunizations as well.....and will spend the rest of his life on these meds..... my 3 year old Tanner also has the disease.....he is currently a bit anemic.....but we will keep an eye on him and pray that he does not advance to the stage that Tristan did.....there is nothing that can be done to prevent this from happening....it's just how the body works....or doesn't work in this case..... the disease causes them to be more susceptible to any virus going around......and makes it more difficult to heal....so there are frequent & extended periods of illness in this home.... i am required to be available at any time that this occurs....and it is weekly once school begins.....i have decided to allow them to attent school....even tho i know that it exposes them to things outside our home.....but life is about living....we have already established that......so i let them go.....and i am always here when and if they need me.....needless to say i am not able to seek employment outside of this house..... and then the matter of my marital breakdown....my husband never was a perfect man.....who is.....4 years ago he took a fall during a rainstorm in the winter....which created a layer of ice very difficult to walk on.....he lost consciousness for a couple of hours......and was left a little off since then.....i had just found out that i was pregnant with my 4th son Tanner.....9 months later....3 weeks after tanner was born....my husband attended a firecall for our town.....again the weather was similar.....rain....and it was Dec. 19, 2002..... the pager went off about 5 am.....i woke him.....he ran out.....and i never saw that man again....for the man that returned to me was a stranger.....that i really did not like at all.....he took another fall...and this one really took its' toll on him.....he was left with a variety of deficits.....mostly affecting his personality and behavior control......he became very ugly and abusive....and required 4 different meds to get him under control.....we lost our business.....it was a very successful autobody repair shop....and autoglass....we also sold speed & custom parts....etc....very profitable and i learned alot while we were open......i was co-owner with my husband....and i did the bookkeeping...handled parts sales and ordering....the banking.....anything that did not require me to put my hands on a car....lol.... we lost it all...... he did not handle this well....it was his dream to own his own shop....he comes from a long line of mechanics/bodymen in his family......so was very proud to succeed in this endeavour.....to this day he is not handling the losses well....who would really.....but has decided to go off his meds.....and self medicate with alcohol.....so a lethal combination......he has delusions....and extreme paranoia....so he has become impossible to live with for safety reasons..... i spent 4 years trying to be his nurse...as well as nurse my children....and looking after him was a thankless job....i finally got him out of our lives on June 1st...this summer...there is a restraining order preventing him from coming near us as he is no longer allowed on the island unless it is for court appearances.......my boys have not seen their father in months........and they don't seem to miss him at all....which is very sad...... after living 4 years apart under the same roof.....4 lonely years with out an ounce of comfort......i was finally free....... so i met someone this summer.....and sought comfort....and now we're having a baby together....rather unexpectedly.....this dad is a great guy....who unfortunately lives very far away.....and is having difficulty accepting what is about to come our way..... i don't blame him.....he has never raised a child of his own....he has no idea what is about to happen to his life......even though he seems to be dreading it this far.....but i do not judge him....time will heal all.....what will be.....will be......i would love to have him here to share in all these experiences......miracles of life.....but i know that i am strong enough to take care of this myself.....even though it's a bit depressing.....and sometimes hurts like hell......but pressuring someone to do something before they are ready does not help either.....patience is a virtue....indeed...... but many have told me..... "that God does not make mistakes....." "maybe this will be your girl...." i said it once before.....and i will say it again...... "i have come to accept this little bundle that God has placed in my very capable hands......" and i will wake up each morning thanking the Lord for the opportunity to raise these children that he has given me to teach....i will raise them with love, compassion, kindness, generosity....and will teach them to accept whatever comes their way.... because life is not always what we want or hope it to be..... but everything happens for a reason....we just have to have faith in ourselves to do what is right....to the best of our abilities.....as long as you try.....all will be ok.....you'll see.....one day..... so i don't know what my future is with this new little one that is tucked comfortably inside of me....but i cannot spend one day regretting or resenting another gift......i sometimes question why....but it is not up to me to decide the fate of this innocent little one.... i learned a long time ago that questioning doesn't change anything.....or make things go away..... rise to the challenge...... i won't lie to anyone.....it is difficult to be alone at this time in my life....as i ended 4 years of celibacy and abuse hoping to find real love again..... but then i guess i have....... THERE IS NOTHING MORE PURE THAN THE LOVE OF A CHILD......THANK YOU GOD......for this wonderful gift....i promise to do my best....it's all i can do......