Monday night......and i am still hanging in here.....

Monday, October 23, 2006

Monday night......and i am still hanging in here..... Current mood: discontent Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes well....another day gone by.... just for clarification....incase anyone is wondering....i am writing these blogs as a way to journal my emotions....and help me clear my head..... i am also writing these as a way to reach all my wonderful friends at once....and save me from having to write this same message over and over and over again.....as i care for each and everyone of you....and believe that you each deserve to know whatever it is you want to know.....this is the easiest way i know of to reach you all in a short time span....i wish it could be more personal....but i am pressed for time right now....and feeling a little fragile...so if i can only do this once....then so be it....please don't feel slighted..... consider this your personal message from me..... i saw the genetic counsellor today......what a way to spend two hours....it was brutal....but very necessary....and informative..... i was able to get a date for my amniocentesis....i have to travel to Toronto......tomorrow...... the test is booked for Wednesday morning....9 am..... needless to say i am totally freaked out.....and wishing i could turn back time......and not have taken the initial test at all....and that i didn't know about this dreadful possibility at all..... but i guess if the worst is about to happen then knowing and preparing is the way to go..... nature can be so cruel sometimes.....why does this have to happen at all....and why to good parents....that really want and love their children with all their hearts and souls...i live for my boys....and this little one too.....it's just not fair....but let's hope for the best....miracles happen....i do believe..... one decision i have made is to have this test.....regardless of the risks involved....i need to know....i owe it to all concerned to prepare for what may come our way...... i also know that if the news is not what i want to hear....that i will not end my baby's life..... that is up to God to decide.....when and how it occurs is up to him....i put my faith in the Lord's hands....the blood shall not be on mine..... please respect that....and if you can't understand that.....or don't agree....i say this.... walk a mile in my shoes..... then shut the hell up and go away.....i don't need anymore negative shit in my life...don't let it be you.....for i will definitely give you a slap if you get too close...consider yourself warned..... i need sensitivity at this time....please be kind and considerate.... if you don't know what to say....here is my advice...not just directed towards me....but whomever may be in need of condolence or comfort at anytime.... just say you are sorry to hear about this...empathize that it must be difficult....and if you don't know what to say....then just say so..... "I'M SORRY....I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...." .....it's that simple....there is nothing offensive in that..... enough of the pessimistic bullshit though.... i am hoping for the best....anyone would....i should know something by Friday maybe....hopefully by Monday....Tuesday for sure...is what i was told..... so until then i am going to be a bundle of nerves..... i hope that i can breathe a huge sigh of relief....but if not....then well..... now i don't know what to say...... love and best wishes to you all.....and thanks bunches.....you're the best.... daisies and hugs always make me feel better.....here are some for all of you....