One month later.....

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Current mood: indescribable Category: Blogging Dear Bennett-Chadlen, It has been one month today since you left us. I have been doing okay....as you already know......I feel you around me, watching me all the time. Today I can't help but think back to the day that I found out that you were coming into my life......what a day that was. I was shocked, but also happy......because I loved you instantly. I began to imagine what you might look like.......... were you a boy or a girl??............................. would you have my eyes??.................................. Daddy's crazy sense of humour??.................................... I knew you would be special.........you had to be........you came from a beautiful place in time.......a happy time........a time that I will always cherish..... I knew that you would have a generous heart........................ I miss you so much......... I don't have the words to express just how much......... I remember how wonderful it felt to have you placed into my empty arms.........oh how I had longed to hold you for the first time............................... I only wish I didn't have to say good-bye at the same time. I want to feel you in my arms........ I want to nuzzle you next to my cheek.......... I want to touch you.......smell you.......see your beautiful face....... I want to look at your dark curls........and stroke them gently........ I want to feel your mighty grip around my finger....... I remember how you held on so tight.......not wanting to let go........ The tears flow swiftly and silently.........remembering you as you took your last breaths in our arms.............................. I will never forget the look on daddy's face ........................... ~the first time he saw you................... ~the first time you gripped his finger....................... ~when he told me that you opened your eyes and looked at him for ~the first time.................... ~and when I placed you into his waiting arms........ You took his breath away....................................... Bennett-Chadlen..........you have changed my life forever........... I will never be the same again................................... You have opened my eyes to the world around me.......... I will never again view life as a mere passage of time......... With the help of your daddy,and your brothers, my heart has been opened wide.............................. wider than I ever knew was possible.................... with each passing day my love for you grew....................... and continues to grow..... I am amazed at the depth of the passion that I feel when I remember you...........................both of you................... such joy I have never known before....... Thank you my precious boy......for choosing us to be your parents. For giving both of us the pleasure of knowing you......... You are the greatest gift......................... I am inspired to be a better person......... Free of anger........or resentment........ I now see the beauty, where before there was only darkness....... I feel strength and courage to persue my hearts desire, where before I was too paralyzed by fear......... I didn't know what I was going to do with another baby in my life...................... Now there are moments where I just don't know what I am going to do without you.............................. And then I realize.......I am not without you........ You will forever be a part of me........ And that makes me smile Lots of love and angel kisses to you my precious sweetiepie, Mommy xoxoxoxoxo.......