June 6th,.....2 months today

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Current mood: lonely Category: Blogging It's been 2 months today since I held my precious Bennett-Chadlen in my arms for the very first time. The saddest part is that I was saying *Good-bye* at the same time. I sit here now, looking at the pic to the left of the screen....... It is a pic that was taken the very first time that I kissed him. He was 4 days old. His NICU bed was too high for me to reach him with my lips. I could stand beside him and touch his hair.....his fingers......his beautiful little toes....... but I couldn't reach to kiss him. I was so jealous when his Daddy would reach over and kiss him gently. I remember saying....."you know that you just did something that I never have?"......and he said....."what's that"......I said, "you kissed him..............I have never kissed him....."......... I was able to take his tiny hand in mine.......and kiss his little fingers. He had long, beautiful fingers like his daddy. We talked about what a great guitar player he would be...like his dad......or a pianist, like me. My photographer friend came to visit him one day. One of the nurses retrieved a stepstool somewhere for her to stand on, so that she could get a better view of Bennett-Chadlen as she snapped some shots. I was so excited when I realized that I could use that stool to help me reach my beautiful boy. "I can kiss him now......I can kiss him now......" I was so excited as I planted the stool in place alongside his bed. My heart was racing.....my hands were shaking......... I was breathless with anticipation........... His skin was so soft beneath my lips......... His hair smelled so good......... My whole body was trembling as I pulled away to look at him........and then came the tears......... I kissed him again and again.........and couldn't stop saying, through my tears......."he smells so good.........his skin is so soft on my lips"......... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I will never forget how deafening silence can truly be.......... When his ventilator was shut off......I felt as though my own breath had just been sucked out of me. I kept telling Chadlen......."we're going to hold our baby now......we get to hold our baby now".......... I am crying now just remembering how quiet the room became. The staff worked quickly to detach his ventilator tubes, and place him in my waiting arms. We had rocking chairs........side by side........ I don't have words to describe how difficult it was to feel him in my arms for the very first time, knowing that he was taking his last breaths.........he was slipping away from us, and there was nothing we could do to stop it........ It hurt so much.............. I miss him so much....................... I love you Bennett-Chadlen.........rest in peace, my sweet boy.......