Just another weekly update....

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Current mood: drained Category: Life It has been another difficult week.... Monday....went to the funeral home to get a start on planning my precious Bennett's service....it went as well as could be expected....the funeral director is a woman that lost a baby herself nearing the eighth month of her pregnancy several years ago. She remembers the pain she experienced during that difficult time in her life and has offered to supply the casket and her services when the time comes. It seems such a sad and terrible thing to have to do ahead of time...but i feel the need to get it over with now so that i can just focus on taking care of myself and my other boys....and not have to make these delicate decisions in the midst of my grief...plus i will be recovering from childbirth myself so will not be in the best of physical condition when this is supposed to happen. I still pray that this will not happen....it is merely just part of the process of being prepared for anything. On the upside of Monday....my brother came by and finished up some seriously needed renovations on my home. He built me a new front step on Saturday....8x8.....the boys love it....big enough for them to dance on.....then on monday he replaced 3 doors for me.....2 at the new entrance...one on the back....so that helped make my day! No more drafts.....yay! Tuesday......i saw my midwife in the morning....Bennett's heart is still beating strong....music to my ears.... .............in the evening i went to a church meeting to discuss plans with some of the other moms in preparation for the time when i am unable to teach my Sunday school class anymore.....i love to be with the kids....they range in age from 4-8....i mostly teach them about being decent kids...having respect for each other...their family...and community members.....and teach them to appreciate the things they have in life....warm beds, toys, clothes, etc.....all the things that some people do not have...they are just like little sponges...they take it all in....and we have some pretty indepth discussions for such a group of youngsters...they are great! Wednesday.....was a big day for me.....saw my genetic counsellor again.....and had a teleconference with my geneticist....(doctor that specializes in genetics)....she is in Ottawa.....we discussed the findings of Bennett's last ultrasound....she told me some things that i already knew.....and a couple of things that i didn't.....none of them good news though... I asked her if anyone is sure of what they saw in the reports......she said no....i told her that i want to know as much as i can find out.....so that i can prepare myself for what is coming my way.....i am being referred to a hospital in Toronto to have another specialized ultrasound done on Bennett's brain and heart....as they highly suspect that these need to be looked at a little closer......also they need to check out the possibility of "mild Hydrops"....the fluid build-up in his abdomen.....in most babies with this they do not make it full term....and is almost always fatal after birth.....so this is scary to hear....and needs to be confirmed or hopefully.....denied. I will also be seeing a neo-natologist at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto to discuss the findings of these latest tests....and discuss treatment options if there are any that will make a difference....again...let's hope there is a chance he will survive with some help.... Let's pray for some healing here for this tiny innocent baby boy of mine.... Thursday.....began crocheting a tiny burial gown for the little guy....in the event that he does not make it full term.....he will need something to wear....it is difficult to buy clothes for such tiny little ones.....especially at the last minute....i am living on an island ....not much access to specialty shops here.....the gown can be made bigger if he outgrows it....and let's hope he does.....i want him to be snuggy and warm in something made by me....with much love.....i will also make him a blanket, hat, booties, and mitts...i will be busy..... Friday and Saturday (today).....i was pleasantly surprised with a couple of truckloads of firewood.....which was greatly needed....as it is the only means i have of heating my house....the wood was donated by a couple of families from my church congregation..... Last Sunday my reverend and my midwife decided to speak out about my journey so far in this pregnancy....the testing....the results....the diagnosis....and the very sad prognosis.....we decided that eventually people need to know about this so that they can support and comfort me along this path i am on right now.....the church is my safe place.....outside of my home....it is a small community i live in....and i know that one day someone will ask me about my pregnancy....etc....especially since christmas is coming up....and we will be discussing the birth of baby jesus....i don't know how i will handle having someone ask me about my baby.... i may cry.....i may not.....i wonder if i should pretend everything is fine....or should i blurt it out right then and there.....and risk hurting someone else's feelings....or should someone else warn them.....to prevent hurt feeling's on either side.....well.....now they know......and many people have stepped up to comfort me....it was emotional....but much needed......i now know i can attend my church and not feel so vulnerable and fearful of being asked something i cannot handle having to explain to people..... My youngest son turned 4 today.....November 25th.....we had a family gathering here for him tonight.....he got many dinosaurs of many shapes and sizes....and he was thrilled! All in all......it has been a very busy week......and i am exhausted.... Thanks very much to all of you that continue to show your support.....i need it so much.....and gather much needed strength from your kind words that comfort me to no end..... I/WE love you all so much....words alone cannot express how much..... Sincerely, Melissa & Bennett...xoxoxo