~NOAH-ALEXANDER GOLDER~

~10 years ago today, Noah-Alexander came silently into this world. I don't have words to explain how this feels, but I'm going to share him today, which is something I haven't felt comfortable enough to do in years past.

I have this blog for his baby brother Bennett-Chadlen "Nimkee"-----because there was no denying his existence in our lives. Noah's story is a bit different.

I remember being apprehensive about becoming unexpectedly pregnant, Tristan wasn't quite a year old yet and I knew that some would be compelled to tell me what a stupid idea it was. My husband and I wanted to have 4 children together, but our financial situation wasn't good at this particular time. We also had an older son Brendan who was 12.

The day I told my husband that I thought I might be pregnant, he didn't waste a second going to the pharmacy to buy a test for me to take. A few minutes passed, and sure enough----POSITIVE! I came out and handed it to him in tears. He smiled at me and gave me a big hug and told me everything was going to be ok.......then he left!!! I couldn't believe he left me there stunned, knowing I was feeling so apprehensive about it all. He said he'd return in a few minutes.

He took the kids with him to give me a little bit of space. A short while later they returned with a dozen roses and a nice card, letting me know how happy they were that we were going to become a bigger family.

I didn't share the news with anyone else until I couldn't hide it any longer.

Skip ahead a few months------

I remember my mother asking me if I was feeling ok? I told her I was fine, I was just really scared about this pregnancy. She told me I should really try and allow myself to enjoy it because it was something that wasn't going to go away. I didn't want him to go away, but there was just something that was nagging at me. I felt different, like I knew something wasn't right.

Haweater Weekend (which we just celebrated last weekend) came around. Michael decided we should begin our home reno's which we had planned when we purchased the house before Christmas. He and Brendan wasted no time in swinging the sledgehammer and taking down a couple of walls. What a mess!!!!

I kept Tristan away from the mess......and we went to bed that night completely exhausted.

That night I dreamt that something was wrong with my precious cargo. I woke up crying and Michael asked me if I was ok. I told him about my dream, cried some more while he comforted me....and then I got up to start the day. It wasn't long before I felt a slight bit of cramping, etc. I had my husband take me to the ER. They told me it was probably nothing, but decided to do an ultrasound and take a look.

We were excited to see him, but a little nervous too. Never did we think we would find out he had already left us. We saw his tiny feet, and his hands and fingers----his face----everything seemed fine. We were smiling as the tech showed us all of his parts. THEN came time to check for his heartbeat. She tried, asked me to go to the washroom and try again. She tried again.....told me to completely empty my bladder this time. Still nothing. She then decided to try internally----then suddenly she turned off the monitor and told me someone would be right there to speak to us. She left the room very quickly. I was in tears, I already knew.

I was wheeled back down to the ER and the doc there told me to go home and save whatever passes in a baggy. Looking back I don't know how he could be so heartless and non-chalant about it. He wasn't one of the regular docs here, he was a young replacement for the docs who were taking summer holidays.

I was in complete shock. I couldn't think straight, all I wanted was to be in a private place where I could grieve without anyone looking at me, or hearing me. I just wanted to get home and give Tristan a great big hug. I didn't question his poor advice, I just came home and told my grandparents who were here babysitting, and I quickly scurried to bed.

By day 3 the shock began wearing off. Late that night I told my husband I didn't think it was wise for us to possibly deliver a baby at home alone, what if something went wrong?? And I certainly couldn't fathom placing him in a plastic bag and bringing the remains to the hospital. First thing in the morning we returned to the ER and saw a doc whom I knew very well. He was appalled at the advice we were given and gave me a couple of options.

I could be admitted and they'd give me something to induce labour and the nurses would help me through it, OR I could go to the nearest surgical unit on the mainland and have him surgically removed.

I knew that there was NO way I could struggle through labour and not lose my mind completely. I was completely aware of what I might possibly see and I just couldn't do it. Off we went to Sudbury-----I barely remember the trip. I was terrified!

I was prepped for surgery by some nurses who were so busy talking about their upcoming weekend plans they didn't even seem to be aware of why I was there, or what was about to happen. Perhaps it was just their way of not thinking about it????

I did have a couple of very nice "sister's" come by to provide me with some comforting words---I was at a Catholic hospital. I did thank them for their thoughtfulness and told them about the nurses and their lack of compassion. They stayed with me until I was taken into the OR.

The rest of the day is just a blur. I came out of recovery and they told me they didn't recommend that I see him due to decomposure. Because they took him by "dilation & evacuation" (suction which enabled him to come out whole---he was small for dates)---I was able to go home that night if I wanted to......and I wanted to. The trip home was silent.

Over the next couple of days I began to feel horribly ill.....nausea, pain, chills and extreme sweats alternately. I was admitted to the local hospital and treated for a perforated uterus and septic blood poisoning. I wish I could say those were the worst 9 days of my life.....and at that time they were.

The most appalling of all was that I was treated like I had just had surgery for a hangnail. The nurses didn't seem to have any idea what I was in for----until I told them. Finally my husband requested that I be allowed to have my door closed, and they put a note on the outside informing anyone about to enter what had just occurred. I did have one nurse who felt compelled to tell me that I should just consider myself lucky that I already had 2 sons......bc she was never able to conceive. She adopted a boy. I didn't have the strength to say anything......I just looked away towards the window and cried silent tears, and she left.

I came home and everyone acted like nothing had happened. I didn't receive condolence cards, no one said a word.

The day I returned to the hospital for a check-up, one nurse stopped me in the hallway and put her hand on my arm and said gently....."I heard what happened, I'm so sorry for your loss". I tearfully said 'thank you' and tried to summon a smile to show her some appreciation. Her final words were "there must have been something wrong so it's best that it happened this way and he wasn't delivered alive".

I walked away thinking......

Uhm......gee.......ya think?? I wish I'd had the courage to say....."No, what would have been best is if there was nothing wrong, and he was delivered alive and healthy".

I've had many years to reflect back on all of the details and feelings, the lack of support, the ignorance.......and how I felt completely ignored like I had a contagious disease.

The nuns had offered to assist with burial services for Noah. My husband and I attended alone with our son Tristan. No one else came. I am so grateful for their help.

It was a cool and quiet October day. The sky was grey, and the leaves were changing colours and falling. It was the kind of day that seemed as though it had taken its cue from my moods to create the atmosphere around us.

A tiny casket was donated, and services donated as well from a funeral home/director from the city where he was delivered. We had a very touching graveside service and we were allowed to place letters and gifts in a separate box which was buried on top of him. Refreshments and fingerfoods were served in the main building, and it was handled beautifully. I will be eternally grateful to those very thoughtful people.

We stayed until I felt ok enough to leave, and I asked my husband to take me out for dinner. It had been 2 and a half months since his passing and I hadn't yet been out in public since that day it all began on August 6th. I knew my son was finally laid to rest, and all was going to be ok. I knew that the people around us didn't know who we were, or what our story was---it was ok to shed a few tears if I felt the need to.....but I knew I had to put myself back out there in society. Our dinner went well and we returned home after dark.

I've suffered in silence for the last 10 yrs. It's been awkward to speak my son's name because nobody seems to remember him. He went nameless for 9 yrs due to the fact that I didn't have anyone to talk about him with, no one told me it was ok to talk about him, or to give him a proper name....so I just stayed silent.

Following the passing of my other angel Bennett-Chadlen, I decided to allow myself to mention my prior loss. I thought of all of the hurtful things that were said to me and I had no voice to speak how much it hurt.

This time around I decided to share my angels with the world, and hope to be able to help others who also have to walk this path, or know someone who has.

Today I embrace my pain and I'm not ashamed to share it. A mother's heart may heal, but it never, ever forgets.

Rest in peace sweet boys----Mommy loves you.

~*~I HAVE A DREAM~*~

~To All My Very Special Mommy Friends: This song goes out to you, and all of our children. I do believe in angels, and I do have a dream!

~That all of our children shall be viewed as UNIQUE & PRECIOUS, regardless of the package that they come in....regardless of the # of chromosomes or karyotype.

~Please help us in our goal to make the world ~*~INDIFFERENT TO DIFFERENCE~*~for Kiernan & Nimkee.....and all the rest of our special babies, who truly are born closer to God and mere perfection than any of us could ever become...xxoo

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~A New Year~~endless possibilities!

Dear Nimkee,
As you know, we have another new year upon us. I cannot believe it has been so long since I last held you in my arms and kissed your softness. I miss you more than words can say, but know that Mommy and your brothers are doing well.

We are still working away here, remembering you in prayer each night, thanking our Creator for his gift of YOU! We feel you with us always, and love that we were so blessed to know you.

As another year unfolds, so does my undying commitment to help others whose lives have been blessed with a special baby like you. You opened up my heart in immeasurable ways, and because of you I am finding my way through this great big world feeling safer and more loved than ever before.

~God is good!

Gchi-miigwech, gzaagin Nimkee..xxoo

Our first kiss........made me cry.......he was 5 days old. I borrowed the photographers stool to reach him.

Almost home.....we love you Bennett-Chadlen

Roadblocks of Reality

I won't lie. I've been having a really difficult time handling my grief.

How do I handle it? By avoiding it. I've gotten quite good at it too.

When I feel the pain coming, from the memories that are always on my mind, I find something to do.

Check some email, reply, read my mail, feed the pets, do some laundry, pull some weeds and plan next year's garden, watch some mindnumbing television show............the list goes on!

The number one distraction has been my boys, and my special friend J. I keep telling myself that Nimkee doesn't want his Mommy to be so sad and not have time for his brothers, and herself.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I paint this false smile on my face and just walk around like everything's fine. I guess I keep hoping that it just will be. Fake it til you make it........or so the saying goes.

It's not easy to do this though. Turning off my emotions has been really difficult and requires a lot of energy. I'm burning out.

I can't even look back at the old blog entries. Reading these evokes the pain from those days. I don't want anymore pain. I've had enough for one lifetime. I know I need to revisit those days and work through them. I experienced the worst pain a mother could ever know, and I survived!

Now it's time to be more than just a survivor. I feel as though I am just spinning my tires, going nowhere. I don't want to just "exist".

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!

My goals in the coming weeks:

• Relax and reflect on those painful memories. I know I can do this.......I know I can.


• Read all those self-help books I've bought and keep piling up around me like some sort of security blanket. It's money wasted....and I'm worth it. I need to work on me.


• Write. I seriously need to start making the time to write a bit each day. I have all these words, thoughts, feelings...spinning around in my head. The inner dialogue can be nauseating at times. I need to get it down!....and I will. I promise.


• Tune out the negativity. Unless you've been where I am, you have no idea what is going on inside of me. If you won't, or don't, take the time to listen to me.....you'll always be in the dark. I'm not a puzzle. There's nothing to figure out. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. What's vague about that?

Now, I won't add anymore right now. I don't want to overwhelm myself before I even get started.

Wish me luck!

Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings to all..........Mxxoo :O)

The New Normal.......what is it???

Monday, October 22, 2007

The New Normal.......what is it??? Current mood: melancholy Category: Life Well.....it has been a very long time since I have written here......not sure why......but sense it has something to do with "MY NEW NORMAL" What is this?? Well........Angel Mommies all have to discover this for ourselves.....muddling our way through our days....discovering ways to find a comfort in our skins. Believe me.....it isn't easy. My skin doesn't fit anymore. It feels tight.....and a bit itchy......especially in places that I cannot reach for myself.....like the middle of the back that no matter what you do....it just isn't reachable. We can ask someone to "scratch" it for us......but the itch will inevitably come back.....it always does. In different places......sometimes in places we can reach.......but scratching it is only a temporary fix. The "elusive" itch always comes back. I also liken it to having a "burr under my saddle". Imagine it......it's there. Right on the surface at first...but if you can't get it out.....it just burrows itself deeper into the flesh. Ending up.....Kinda like a sliver. Often times.....you know the sliver is there.....but you can't see it. At first you dig and dig.....trying to get it out. The "wound" is very raw....the more you pick and dig. It hurts.....sometimes you might cry.....but it doesn't make the invisible irritant go away. Eventually you just have to ignore it....and hope it festers its way out in time. Sometimes the discomfort is just on the surface.....like a blister from a mis-fitting pair of shoes. It hurts at first.....but goes away eventually, in a matter of days. Sometimes the hurt is much deeper than that. I had my appendix out when I was 10 yrs old. That was many, many years ago.......but the scar will always be there. Visible to the naked eye........but placed in an area that is only visible if I "choose" to reveal it to you. The fact of the matter is this.......... I live with an ever-changing pain and discomfort that will never, ever go away. So......what do I do to get rid of this?? Sit back....put my feet up......and try to get as comfortable as possible......because it is going to be a long and bumpy ride. I live with an incurable condition.....called "grief". Bennett-Chadlen's dad told me a while back......that Bennett is "tattooed on his soul". I love this. It describes perfectly the intensity with which we love our son. It will never subside....or go away. I wear a scar on my heart.......down deep where you will never see it. I pray that you will never know it either. Currently reading : Sylvia Browne’s Journey of the Soul-Box Set By Sylvia Browne Release date: By 01 September, 2001

July 28, 2007---1:14 a.m.

Friday, July 27, 2007

July 28, 2007---1:14 a.m. Current mood: accomplished Category: Life Well....it's definitely been a while since I blogged......I don't even know where to start. My boys are doing well....loving the new pool..... And so am I.... hanging around at the beach is not my thing..... Not these days anyway.....life is different now.... I made a memory garden for Bennett-Chadlen........ We also planted an apple tree in Bennett-Chadlen's memory. It's a spindly little thing, but is covered in quite a number of apples which are growing each day. I can hardly wait to take a bite out of one of those in the fall. So as you can see I have been keeping busy here. With the discovery of each new blossom.....comes an awareness that life does go on. Much love and gratitude to those of you that have trudged along with me during this unbelievable journey during the last 12 months. Your comfort and support has helped make each day a little easier to face. Gone are the days that I doubted that I would go on. I did not perish when my beautiful Bennett-Chadlen took his last breath......nor have I perished each day since then. It appears that the world is not finished with me yet.....so I must persevere......trudging boldly through each new day. I love you so much Bennett-Chadlen...... Thank you for choosing me to be your mum...... Hugs & Angel Kisses my precious boy Currently listening : Don't You Fake It By The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Release date: By 12 March, 2007

Everything I know....I learned from Bennett-Chadlen.....

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Everything I know....I learned from Bennett-Chadlen..... Current mood: restless Category: Life As many of you already know.....my precious ^Angel^Bennett-Chadlen was born with a couple of rare conditions.....Trisomy 13....also known as Patau Syndrome.....&.....Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia...or CDH for short. My life's goal is to continue to raise awareness for these unfortunate and unpreventable circumstances of life. Our afflicted babies all deserve a chance to live. Some of the symptoms are treatable......sometimes all that can be done is just provide comfort for the baby..........and parents. In my mind..... No one is medically futile, until you have tried everything that can be done......and nothing works. Too often the medical professionals out there provide little support to expecting parents. The data and research information available for many of the trisomy conditions is so outdated and unfair to the medical providers and affected babies. Termination is often pushed on expecting parents, resulting in a deep and never ending heartache for many years to come. My heart goes out to everyone, regardless of how or when you lost your precious babe. These lives were all wanted and loved. No one has the right to pass judgement on anyone else, regardless of what you think you would do in a similar situation. Unless you've been there....you will never know. Sadly, these 2 conditions.....and similar chromosomal abnormalities and birth defects.....are too often fatal. BUT......I have not been in contact with a family yet that regrets having their precious angel in their lives. It is so heartbreaking to find out that the life you are looking forward to creating with your new loved one, is possibly going to be cut short.......or may be quite different than the life you imagined it was going to be. Bennett-Chadlen was such a HUGE SURPRISE to me and his dad. I can't speak for his dad......but I really, really wanted our baby. I had planned on having a partial hysterectomy last fall, which of course would have prevented me from having any more children ever. It was a sad and difficult decision to make, but I was certain that I was finished with the baby business......and for health reasons I thought it was best to not have any more. Previous pregnancies, deliveries, and recovery times were very difficult for me. I required a lengthy period of time to recover, and suffered side effects of childbearing that I won't get into here. Trust me....these were serious predicaments that I did NOT want a recurrence of. Plus.....I was beginning a new phase of my life......the life of a near middle-aged divorcee. I truly figured that was it for me. I had already spent 4 yrs of complete celibacy......and pretty much figured that I would never meet anyone worthwhile enough to bother with.....let alone have a another child with. That would have required too much commitment that I was not willing to make ever again. Well, sometimes life has a strange way of working out.....despite our best efforts to prevent certain circumstances. I was 18 weeks into my pregnancy when I found out that Bennett-Chadlen was going to be a boy.....and that he had trisomy 13......which meant that he had an extra chromosome number 13 throughout each and every cell in his entire body. Trisomy 13 can occur in any pregnancy......regardless of the mother's or father's age. This condition occurs at the moment of conception......and can be caused by the sperm or the egg. In rare circumstances this condition is traceable to either parent if it is a genetic condition....meaning handed down through either parent. In our case......it was a totally random occurance......and there was no telling which one of us donated this extra chromosome to him. It could have been me....it could have been his dad. We will never know. The chances of this occurring again is very rare.....as rare as it was for it to have occurred in the first place. More information about Trisomy 13/Patau Syndrome can be found here: http://livingwithtrisomy13.org/memoriesofbennett.htm Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29, 2007.....just 12 weeks and 2 days ago. He was full-term, 2 days passed his due date of March 27th. His outward appearance was beautiful....as are all babies in my eyes.....but he did not show any physical tell-tale signs of Trisomy 13....besides the extra digits on each hand and foot. He has the cutest little pinky toes ever.....they look just like they belong there. On each hand he has the tiniest, barely attached extra pinky finger....complete with knuckles and fingernails. We absolutely adore those unique little features. He is an original! At 7 months gestation I received results of an MRI which diagnosed Bennett-Chadlen with a non-severe CDH. His lungs appeared to be developing quite nicely.......and were seen functioning perfectly in all subsequent ultrasound tests performed up until the day before he was born. Following birth he was examined again by x-rays and ultrasounds....and it appeared that he did not have a "hole" through his diaphragm at all....only a floppy muscle which had allowed his stomach to protrude enough through to the chest cavity to make it appear that it was a true CDH. He was not going to require surgical repair for his....unless in time it got worse. Rarely the diaphragm muscle is so floppy that it does allow some of the abdominal organs to move up into the chest.....appearing that the organs are enclosed in a pouch. This does require surgical repair, the same as a "hole" needs to be repaired, and can affect the developing lungs in the same way. More information about CDH can be found at this link: CDH info Through my research I have found so many different medical issues that babies may be born with....the possibilities almost seem endless. There are a variety of heart defects, brain defects, kidney, liver, digestive defects....skeletal defects......many different genetic conditions......and a myriad of chromosome abnormalities. We all should have 46 chromosomes......13 from our mother, 13 from our father. Occasionally one parent may donate an extra chromosome....sometimes only part of an extra chromosome.....sometimes the extra chromosome is attached to another one......sometimes part of the chromosome is missing......or sometimes the entire chromosome is missing.... Keep in mind that can be caused by either parent. Just because us moms get to carry the baby, does NOT mean we are always responsible. You see......it is complicated. The true MIRACLE is that any babies are born healthy... People need to embrace what they are given, regardless of the package it comes in. Life is precious.......embrace it.........even through the difficult times. If you know someone that is expecting a baby with a birth defect, or know someone who has a child born with a birth defect....surviving or an angel.....please understand that it is often no one's fault. Love and support those parents. Allow those parents to give their precious ones life.....if that is what they want to do. Encourage it.......it is so worthwhile. Yes, it is difficult to endure. The long agonizing days, not knowing what the future holds. Is it life......is it life after death? No one should ever look at my baby and believe that he never should have been allowed to be born. Don't turn away from grieving parents. We hurt....we feel.....we ache....but are still human.......different than we will ever be again. Knowing the prognosis ahead of time does not make it easier to deal with when the time comes for our little blessed ones to leave us. The bonding of the 9 months creates such an attachment.....the difference being that we don't get to create those memories afterwards.....as long as we would like to.....in the way that we would like to. Sometimes angels are born to us...... Sometimes we get seconds, minutes, hours, days.........weeks, months.....or maybe only a year or two. More if we are lucky. We got 8 glorious days.....days that his father and I wouldn't trade for anything in the world....except of course more time.....and a miraculous healing for our precious boy. Bennett-Chadlen.........we are so proud of you......... and I will never let anyone forget it. I love you sweetie-pie......with all my heart and soul.....

June 6th,.....2 months today

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Current mood: lonely Category: Blogging It's been 2 months today since I held my precious Bennett-Chadlen in my arms for the very first time. The saddest part is that I was saying *Good-bye* at the same time. I sit here now, looking at the pic to the left of the screen....... It is a pic that was taken the very first time that I kissed him. He was 4 days old. His NICU bed was too high for me to reach him with my lips. I could stand beside him and touch his hair.....his fingers......his beautiful little toes....... but I couldn't reach to kiss him. I was so jealous when his Daddy would reach over and kiss him gently. I remember saying....."you know that you just did something that I never have?"......and he said....."what's that"......I said, "you kissed him..............I have never kissed him....."......... I was able to take his tiny hand in mine.......and kiss his little fingers. He had long, beautiful fingers like his daddy. We talked about what a great guitar player he would be...like his dad......or a pianist, like me. My photographer friend came to visit him one day. One of the nurses retrieved a stepstool somewhere for her to stand on, so that she could get a better view of Bennett-Chadlen as she snapped some shots. I was so excited when I realized that I could use that stool to help me reach my beautiful boy. "I can kiss him now......I can kiss him now......" I was so excited as I planted the stool in place alongside his bed. My heart was racing.....my hands were shaking......... I was breathless with anticipation........... His skin was so soft beneath my lips......... His hair smelled so good......... My whole body was trembling as I pulled away to look at him........and then came the tears......... I kissed him again and again.........and couldn't stop saying, through my tears......."he smells so good.........his skin is so soft on my lips"......... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I will never forget how deafening silence can truly be.......... When his ventilator was shut off......I felt as though my own breath had just been sucked out of me. I kept telling Chadlen......."we're going to hold our baby now......we get to hold our baby now".......... I am crying now just remembering how quiet the room became. The staff worked quickly to detach his ventilator tubes, and place him in my waiting arms. We had rocking chairs........side by side........ I don't have words to describe how difficult it was to feel him in my arms for the very first time, knowing that he was taking his last breaths.........he was slipping away from us, and there was nothing we could do to stop it........ It hurt so much.............. I miss him so much....................... I love you Bennett-Chadlen.........rest in peace, my sweet boy.......

NIMKEE

Thursday, May 17, 2007

NIMKEE Current mood: calm Category: Life I wrote this story earlier today and shared it with one of my support groups...and then decided to share it with all of you as well.' I love you Bennett-Chadlen ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What does "NIMKEE" mean?: "NIMKEE" means "LITTLE THUNDER". It is Bennett-Chadlen's spirit name. It was given to him by the spirits themselves. My father is native....from the Ojibwe/Odawa tribe......and very traditional. I was unaware that this was happening.....but.......following Bennett-Chadlen's death, my father was in touch with a couple of ladies from his reserve. These ladies were in touch with a medicine man (I know...it all sounds very bizarre....but bear with me)....the medicine man laid out tobacco on the ground, which is one of the 4 sacred medicines (tobacco, sage, sweet grass, and cedar).....and asked the Spirits to provide a name for my precious boy. The medicine man also provided some sort of medicinal tea for me to drink that day.....and right before Bennett-Chadlen was laid to rest. I have no idea what was in it, but it helped to settle my nerves! Anyway, I attended the funeral home with these 2 women, my mom, dad, and sister were there also. The native ladies had prepared a cedar tea that I was to clean Bennett with. They began by undressing him, and they "smudged" him with the smoke from the burning of the 4 sacred medicines....with his very own eagle feather to cleanse his soul and keep away bad spirits. They had me drink some of the tea, and one of the women began to wipe him down with the cloths dipped in the cedar tea. Apparently this is customary to prepare each body this way. I was told to release all my tears and was handed a cloth to wipe him down with myself. All the while the other woman was drumming and singing a traditional native song.......it was very moving......and I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life....but afterwards I felt better. That is all part of the ceremony......for the mother to shed all her tears and grieve as she prepares her loved one for the wake and burial......afterwards there are few tears, and more strength. Amazing, but true. My sister was having a difficult time watching me cleaning Bennett, so she too was given a cloth of her own, and was told to "help your sister clean her baby......and cry all your sadness away." {We are not to be sad following the passing of our loved ones.....they are in a happy place, a place of honor, and we are to celebrate their life....not mourn them. They do not want to see us sad, for it will make them feel guilty for leaving us......occasional tears are okay....as long as we tell them that they are happy tears, because we love them so much and are happy to have them in our lives. They understand.} The woman that was drumming suddenly announced in our native language...but here is the translation, "NIMKEE.......Your little boy will be known as NIMKEE.......this is the name that the Spirits have given to him. It means LITTLE THUNDER.....and from now on whenever you hear the Thunder, you are to know that it is your little boy coming to say HELLO!". On Monday evening, May 14th......we heard our first thunder since Nimkee's passing. It was about 8pm, and was just beginning to get dark. It was our Tristan's 9th birthday......so we believe that Nimkee was coming by to 'sing Happy Birthday' to his brother Tristan. The thunder rumbled non-stop for hours, accompanied by the strangest show of lightning that we have ever seen. It was incredible. I will also add the story behind our traditional native burial ceremony....incase anyone else is interested. It is a long story, but interesting if you are a spiritual person. I believe that the following is true, because of the photo that I posted earlier of the "Orbs" surrounding us in some of the photos taken following his passing. Check it out.....they are not fake. It is our native belief that the deceased spirit does not cross-over to the other side for 4 days following their passing. This does not mean that the spirit remains in the body.....only nearby. For this reason the body is not to be unattended at all during the next 4 days until they are laid to rest. Bennett-Chadlen passed away on Good Friday. Due to the holiday weekend, there wasn't going to be anyone available to deliver Bennett to the funeral home in my hometown......until Tuesday!!!!!. My father knew that I would be terribly upset if I found this out, so he drove to Toronto (7 hrs away) to retrieve Bennett's body. He and a very close family friend that I call Uncle Louie, went to the hospital with papers from the funeral home and just posed as drivers/employees. Before placing Bennett-Chadlen in the car, a 'smudging' ceremony was done all around each entrance.....to keep away evil spirits. Uncle Louie performed this ceremony, and he said that when he opened the door for my father to place Bennett inside, that my Great-Grandpa Roy got in also, and that he held Bennett on his lap all the way home. I got goosebumps when I heard that. I lived with my Great-Grandpa Roy until he passed away in 1987...I was 17.....we were very close, and I am not surprised that he was there to meet and watch over my precious boy. My father was not sure how he was going to be able to drive, with his grandson's lifeless body in the back seat....but he said that once he got into the car...he felt an instant peace surround him. He believes that my Grandpa was there with them....just like Uncle Louie said. I know this all sounds a bit weird....but trust me.....we are not 'strange' people. There have been many times that I have felt the presence of my grandpa, or smelled him, while at my father's home where we all lived in the house that my grandpa built. This is where my father still lives.....and where Bennett-Chadlen was brought for his wake. Bennett was delivered to the funeral home at about 4 am, Sunday morning. The funeral director lives above the funeral home, so Bennett was not alone while he waited for me to come and get him. At 10 am, I performed his cleansing ceremony and dressed him in his burial outfit. At no time did anyone besides me touch Bennett-Chadlen. I bathed him and placed him in the bodybag and handed him over to the security guards at the hospital, and the funeral director did not touch him....he was not enbalmed. I removed him from the bodybag at the funeral home. It was difficult, but I know that nobody touched my boy besides me, and the native ladies, and my family.......just the way it has been done for centuries. I even carried him out of the funeral home, got into the car, and held him as we drove down the street to my father's home. First we drove around the block, to show Bennett where he came from....and incidentally....my brother and my mom also live on the same street so we showed him where they live too. Upon arrival to my father's home, I had to wait outside until the home was "smudged/cleansed"....again to keep out/cast out evil spirits that might try to 'steal' my baby's soul. As per custom.....my brother built him his cross & casket. The cross had to be brought into the home ahead of him......and when possible, every body is brought in through the back door.....and goes out through the front door. There also has to be a live cedar tree at the back door.....so my eldest son (20 yrs old) had to go out and dig one up and place it in a bucket.....that tree is still waiting to be planted in our yard. I then carried Bennett into the house through the back door, passed his cross.....and into the living room where he was to lay in wake for the next 2 nights, 3 days. Bennett was never left alone......there was someone with him 24hrs per day....protecting his soul. It is also the custom to light and burn a sacred fire, which signifies the light that the spirit is to go towards....it lights the "Path of Souls" so that the Spirit can find its way to its final destination. Because of burning restrictions in our town.....we kept a candle lit by him. The flame is not to go out until he is laid to rest on the fourth day. Timeline.....Good Friday: Bennett passed away on Good Friday, approx 2:30 PM his heart stopped. I was holding him in my arms.....with his father by my side. We all took turns having hand moulds made with Bennett. The bereavement staff were so patient and wonderfully kind to us. Each of my young boys have moulds of them holding onto Bennett's tiny hand. I made mine holding onto his tiny feet.....his father held his hand.....our mother's also got to have a mould made with Bennett. These are precious keepsakes. Chadlen and I had photos taken with him. I dressed him, and moved to a sitting room, and our entire family spent time a few hours with him....and then they left. My mom and I stayed with Bennett-Chadlen...and with the help of the night nurse, I was able to make some gold embossed feet prints. They are so beautiful......and unique. Remember...he has 6 toes on each foot....as well as 6 fingers on each hand. I gave him his first and only tub bath....my mom took some photos.....priceless. I dried him.....rubbed lotion on him.....and dressed him in a tiny robe, hat, and booties supplied by donations to the NICU. I swaddled him, and rocked him as long as I wanted to. Around 11:30pm I helped the nurse to wrap him and place him in the bodybag for cold storage. He was wrapped beautifully, complete with bows....just like a precious gift! I held him and rocked him like that until the security arrived to take him. My mom and I left the hospital at midnight, and spent the night at a nearby hotel, courtesy of the hospital. Saturday....returned home.....a long 8 hr trip. Sunday morning....brought Bennett-Chadlen home after prepping him. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.....spent all my time with Bennett....holding him, looking at him....and just being in his presence. I even slept on the sofa nearby....I couldn't leave his side. Sunday & Monday evening.....prayer & song services held. Tuesday evening.....his funeral service was held in my father's home....and he was laid to rest, as the sun went down.....and the stars came out. Sorry this is so long....it is the first time I have written this complete story....it was very therapeutic. So, as you can see, it was a long 5 days.....but a very precious time that I will never forget....and I was able to spend ample time with my beautiful boy before I had to let him go forever. Chadlen and his mother attended the entire wake, even though they too had a very long drive.....7 hrs......but it is a time they will always cherish as well. They have never before witnessed such a "Celebration of Life".

One month later.....

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Current mood: indescribable Category: Blogging Dear Bennett-Chadlen, It has been one month today since you left us. I have been doing okay....as you already know......I feel you around me, watching me all the time. Today I can't help but think back to the day that I found out that you were coming into my life......what a day that was. I was shocked, but also happy......because I loved you instantly. I began to imagine what you might look like.......... were you a boy or a girl??............................. would you have my eyes??.................................. Daddy's crazy sense of humour??.................................... I knew you would be special.........you had to be........you came from a beautiful place in time.......a happy time........a time that I will always cherish..... I knew that you would have a generous heart........................ I miss you so much......... I don't have the words to express just how much......... I remember how wonderful it felt to have you placed into my empty arms.........oh how I had longed to hold you for the first time............................... I only wish I didn't have to say good-bye at the same time. I want to feel you in my arms........ I want to nuzzle you next to my cheek.......... I want to touch you.......smell you.......see your beautiful face....... I want to look at your dark curls........and stroke them gently........ I want to feel your mighty grip around my finger....... I remember how you held on so tight.......not wanting to let go........ The tears flow swiftly and silently.........remembering you as you took your last breaths in our arms.............................. I will never forget the look on daddy's face ........................... ~the first time he saw you................... ~the first time you gripped his finger....................... ~when he told me that you opened your eyes and looked at him for ~the first time.................... ~and when I placed you into his waiting arms........ You took his breath away....................................... Bennett-Chadlen..........you have changed my life forever........... I will never be the same again................................... You have opened my eyes to the world around me.......... I will never again view life as a mere passage of time......... With the help of your daddy,and your brothers, my heart has been opened wide.............................. wider than I ever knew was possible.................... with each passing day my love for you grew....................... and continues to grow..... I am amazed at the depth of the passion that I feel when I remember you...........................both of you................... such joy I have never known before....... Thank you my precious boy......for choosing us to be your parents. For giving both of us the pleasure of knowing you......... You are the greatest gift......................... I am inspired to be a better person......... Free of anger........or resentment........ I now see the beauty, where before there was only darkness....... I feel strength and courage to persue my hearts desire, where before I was too paralyzed by fear......... I didn't know what I was going to do with another baby in my life...................... Now there are moments where I just don't know what I am going to do without you.............................. And then I realize.......I am not without you........ You will forever be a part of me........ And that makes me smile Lots of love and angel kisses to you my precious sweetiepie, Mommy xoxoxoxoxo.......

What I learned today.....a day of self-discovery

Monday, April 30, 2007

Current mood: contemplative Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Today I learned that I truly am the master of my own destiny. It's not a new concept.......but today that reality jumped up and slapped me in the face...... I was lost in grief.....sobbing loudly and wondering why...... Why me.....why my baby?.......why now......why this way?......just what am I supposed to learn from this.......haven't I had enough heartache for one lifetime...... Have I not passed the test of strength and endurance? Well, the answer is YES.......yes I have passed that test......yes I am a strong person.....a survivor....... But what I am not is a willing participant in this journey called life. I have merely spent each day for as long as I can remember........existing........not living........just getting by...... I thought back to some of my life experiences..........remembering how sometimes things just happened.........things I did not ask for.........BUT......I forged ahead.......never slinking away from the problems that have plagued me.......always coming out "OK"..... Step 1: Identify the problem. Step 2: Scratch your head.....put on your thinking cap.....and create a valid solution. Step 3: Implement the plan of action. And if you're lucky.......go to step 4......which is....... Step 4: Breathe a sigh of relief because although you may have come through it a bit bruised and battered.....the fact remains.....you have survived. What to do if there doesn't seem to be a solution to the problem?....... Step 1: Accept the situation for what it is...... Step 2: Breathe.....and remember that tomorrow always comes no matter what.....AND THEN...... Step 3: Move on....... AGAIN......you may come through this a bit bruised and battered.....but the fact remains......~YOU HAVE SURVIVED!..... and.....you found a not so obvious solution to a problem that you THOUGHT there was no solution for.... Now, to get to what I learned today....... Why has happiness escaped me....... Step 1: Ask the question.....What would make me happy?.....What is lacking in my life? Step 2: How will I acquire what it is that I desire? Step 3: Face my fears....and accept that this is most likely the biggest hurdle that has prevented me from finding.....or keeping ..... that which I desire. My biggest fear(s).......rejection......& loneliness..... Coping strategies?.......keep to myself.....live a solitary existence....convince myself that I am better off this way.....and hope for the best...... Does this work?......the big answer is NO!!!!!!!!!!! I inevitably find myself being rejected, due to the fact that I keep to myself......which then leads to loneliness......heartache....tears...... and hours of self-talk trying to convince myself that I am better off this way. I wondered to myself......why doesn't he see me..... why can't he see how much I care.....and know how lucky he would be to have me in his life? I thought back.....what was different then? The answer........ME.....I was different then.......I was different because I had nothing to lose......or so I naively thought at that time...... this guy doesn't know me.....he doesn't know a thing about me...... I am free to be me...... there are no pre-conceived notions of who I might be....and it doesn't matter anyway because this guy is going to leave and I will never see him again..... So, I allowed myself to be seen......I laughed...... I listened....... and I spoke freely about my opinions on life in general....... I did keep my personal stuff to myself.....no sense scaring the poor guy...... Now, we get to the scary part......."uh oh......I am beginning to feel something.....and it feels good.....too good......", (which then leads to more self-talk)......'if it feels too good to be true, then it probably is'......(solution?)......withdraw.....like a turtle inside my shell..... (now what).......too late, the damage is done.....now it's time to defend myself.....believing that it's best to do something to push this guy away before he rejects me......(did it work).....yes and no...... I succeeded in pushing him away...... he began to change his way of seeing me.....which then led to rejection......then heartache......then tears.....then loneliness......then hours and hours of self-talk to convince myself that I am better off alone...... But am I happy?...........NO......I AM NOT HAPPY.......I feel sad......hurt.......rejected......and lonely....... Solution..... put myself out there.....open myself back up.....and let the whole world see me for who I really am..... And who I am is not the same as who I used to be.....I didn't like who I was......that scared little girl who hid behind closed doors....keeping to myself.....how can I expect anyone else to want me that way? Who do I want to be......I want to be someone that my boys will admire and look up to.....someone free and alive...... someone not afraid to step out into the sunshine and face each day anew..... I want Bennett-Chadlen to look down from up above and say......"see that lady down there.....that's my mommy, and she's the best mommy in the whole world...... "I am proud to say that she's my mommy". I don't know if I will end up where I want to be....or if I'll end up with the guy who has my heart....life is not a perfect adventure. Nobody's perfect.....I will never be flawless....... but today I am happy to be me...... A diamond in the rough.

Why?

Friday, April 27, 2007

Current mood: lonely Category: Blogging Why does it always have to rain on my saddest days?........ Or is the other way around...... Do the rainy days just make me feel more sad? Just wondering................

Home again.......15 days later......

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Current mood: indescribable Well, it's been 15 long days since I saw my baby for the final time......19 days since the last time I saw him alive. I am home again finally......for the first time since I left to go to Toronto to wait for Bennett-Chadlen's arrival....way back on February 26. Being home again is not as comforting as I had hoped it would be. Infact, it is rather unsettling. This is the only place where I have ever "lived" with Bennett. This is the place where he came from. This is the place where he grew inside of me.....day after day......week after week........month after month..... Just he and I......alone in our own little world......wondering what each new day would bring. In the beginning, things were so much different. I remember the day I found out that he was coming into my life. What a shocking moment that was.......I had to look at the test stick several times each minute throughout the day just to believe I was really seeing what I was seeing. Brendan and I drove all day that day.....to find Bennett's dad and share the news with him. I had made a comment before he had left here that I am not a lucky person.......that if anything was going to go wrong.....it will likely happen to me. I said that if I find out I am pregnant in a couple of weeks.....I am going to lose my mind. He asked if I would tell him. I didn't know what I should do...... He said if we were going to be having a baby together then he would want to know and that he wouldn't be happy to find out that I had kept this from him. I told him not to worry about it.....this was a stupid conversation, because it wasn't going to happen.....case closed....or so I thought. Once I got over the initial shock of it all......I began to look forward to having a new little life.....in my life. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl.....would he/she have mommy's hair.....or daddy's eyes...... I wondered if daddy would ever get over the initial shock of it all......it was so unexpected and neither one of us were really prepared to provide for a baby at this time in our lives. I tried not to worry about it.....this baby was coming whether we were prepared or not. Early on I had a bit of a scare....I ended up at ER wondering if I might be having a miscarriage. It was a Saturday morning and there wasn't anyone in the radiology department until Monday. An appointment was made for then to have an ultrasound. That was a long time to wait.....not knowing if my baby was still alive or not. The u/s showed a strong heartbeat, and the little guy measured perfectly for dates. I went home very happy and prayed for better days. Fast forward to October. I decided to allow my midwife to draw some extra blood for the maternal serum testing.....to check for an increased risk of having a baby with spina bifida, or some kind of chromosome abnormality. I had never had this test done before....I had always opted not to bother.....it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I always told myself that it wouldn't matter if my baby was going to have a problem.....I would never terminate, and I would love and accept this baby no matter what......and do my best to care for it......providing for its needs. The blood test results showed an increased risk for Trisomy 18.....a 1 in 8 chance. I had never heard of it.....that was also the first time I had ever heard of Trisomy 13....which the amniocentesis proved that my little one had......and that I was expecting another little boy. The prognosis was not good......."trisomy 13 & 18 are lethal conditions for the fetus.....incompatible with life"......etc.......if there was to be a live birth....then the baby was going to have an increased risk of many different birth defects. How could this be happening to me? Why? Why my baby? Why any baby? Then the acceptance of another boy.....how do I tell his dad? Contact up to that point had been quite limited......our relationship (which really wasn't one) was quite strained.....I couldn't leave this kind of information in an email.....how cruel that would be......but how do I find the words? Where do I get the courage to make that dreaded phone call? Small talk.....then, "I have to tell you something.....remember I said I was having some blood tests done......well they found something. I went to Toronto and had an amniocentesis done (explained the procedure)....and I just found out a couple of days ago that we are expecting a baby boy......."......................."yes......you're going to have a son.........but there's something else I have to tell you.......and I don't know how......."..........and then the tears.......and those dreaded words had to be spoken.......the words that no parent wants to hear........the rest of this story has been chronicled through my past blogs.....or a condensed version can be found at http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/MemoriesOfBennett.htm March 29, 2007.....8:06 am.....Bennett-Chadlen Roy arrives. Scans prior to his birth indicated a "not-severe Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia"....which translates to a hole in the diaphragm, which is the muscle separating the chest cavity (heart & lungs) from the abdominal cavity (stomach, liver, intestines, etc....). Treatment at birth for this condition requires that these babies are intubated and not allowed to cry or breathe on their own......for fear that they will swallow air leading to other complications. Surgery for repair of the hole is to be perfomed as soon as the baby is stable. Bennett-Chadlen was whisked away quickly.....taken to the resuscitation room to be put on the ventilator as per the treatment plan. I had ordered aggressive treatment despite his trisomy 13 condition. Some of these children do survive and do better than anyone expects.....just give them a chance at birth.....and see what happens next. I was not frightened of raising a mentally or physically disabled child......I just wanted the chance to do so. When I first saw him a couple of hours later......he was beautiful. I spoke his name and he turned his head and looked right at me.....he was so alert and attentive! I never expected such a wondrous sight.....I will never forget that beautiful face....and those big dark eyes......we memorized each others faces during that next hour or so.....I never expected to be able to spend so much time with him.....but he was doing so well that I got to spend that extra time before he was transferred to the children's hospital across the street. Bennett-Chadlen remained on the ventilator and maximum life support for his entire 8 days......trials of different meds.....and tweaking of the ventilator & oxygen settings were made throughout that time..... Many family members & friends came to visit during those days...... Bennett-Chadlen met his two Grandmas (my mom & Chadlen's mom), his Grandpa Roy & my stepmom Carolyn, his Auntie Laurie (my sis), his Auntie Christine (Chadlen's sis), his Uncle Jason (Chadlen's half-brother) and Jay's partner Therese. My friends Barb & Tim (the wonderful people that I lived with for a month prior to Bennett's arrival) came by.....a new friend Louise......a new friend named Heather, who was also the photographer that took some of the beautiful photos of Chadlen & I with Bennett on his 5th day as well as my prenatal shoot (www.lifespark.ca/clients/Roy1/ & www.lifespark.ca/clients/Roy2/ ).....hospital chaplains for his blessing (his 1st night) & for his baptism (on his last night).......hospital staff that had heard about this special baby boy who was loved so much came by to meet him.....and to support us... On Bennett-Chadlen's final day.....he got to meet 3 of his brothers......Tristan 8, Mason 6, & Tanner 4. It was so difficult taking those boys in to meet him, knowing that it was also going to be Bennett's last day. I have pics posted that chronicle this event. Chadlen & I had been at the hospital night and day....never far from Bennett-Chadlen's side.......the NICU is open to parents 24 hrs a day.....we spent time just the 3 of us......as well as spent individual time with him long into the early hours of the morning......those were the best moments. The room was quiet and dark.....Bennett rested so peacefully. We would just go in and look at him.....take turns holding his hand, feeling him squeeze our finger....he was so strong and aware of our presence around him.......I read him stories in the night......Daddy & I sang to him.......and told him how much he was loved. Good Friday, April 6th, 2007.......Bennett-Chadlen's health was fading.....he was not expected to make it through the day. His father & I had to make the agonizing decision to take him off the ventilator......and let him go. Bennett-Chadlen spent the morning surrounded by his entire family......many tears were shed........it was time to say goodbye. The room was cleared......2 rocking chairs were placed side by side, in preparation. We sat down. It was time to hold our son for the first time since he was born. Bennett-Chadlen was placed into my arms......the breathing tube removed......we got to see his face for the first time without all the tape and the tubes...... He was beautiful.....so handsome......I will never forget that moment in time...... I rocked him......and sang him a lullabye.......we told him how much we love him......someone brought Chadlen his guitar....and somehow he managed to play it through his tears.....and we sang to him......"Bennett we love you.......oh Bennett we love you"........ We took turns holding him.....and comforting each other......Bennett-Chadlen looked so peaceful and happy in our arms......he gave us 2 hours like that before he left us............. 19 days ago......... We miss you Bennett-Chadlen.......you shall forever remain in our hearts.....and in my soul......

Today.....14 days later......

Friday, April 20, 2007

Current mood: accomplished Category: Life Well, today marks the 14th day since my precious Bennett-Chadlen left this world. It was the worst day of my life......but it was also a day I will cherish forever because it was also the day I got to hold my beautiful baby for the first time. I will remember forever how it felt to have him placed into my waiting arms for the first time......I thought my heart was going to burst....my tears flowed uncontrollably......it was the best feeling ever. The saddest part about it was knowing that it was also going to be the last time I held my darling boy alive.....he was not doing very well and was not expected to make it through the day. I could not allow him to suffer any longer.....and I could not allow him to take his last breath never having been held in the loving arms of his mommy and daddy. We had been patiently waiting so long already...... Long were the days and nights of sitting next to him.... rejoicing in the littlest of achievements...... smiling with glee when he fluttered his eyes.....opening them for brief glimpses at us...... feeling such an intense sense of satisfaction while he gripped our fingers and held on.......none of us wanting to let go..... I cannot adequately describe those feelings which Bennett-Chadlen evoked in us.......those are feelings that only we as his parents can understand for each other....... I went to his grave again today...... I couldn't directly drive there.....there were too many emotions going through me....and I knew I had to prepare my mind first. ......my mom left me her car for the day.....just incase I felt like venturing out. I wasn't sure about it at first.....there was a certain comfort in hiding inside the house.....but there was also that curiosity about what is beyond the threshold..... I imagine it as being similar to the feelings of a newly hatched butterfly......coming out of its cocoon for the very first time.....craving the comfort of enclosure.....but yet wanting to explore into that vast expanse of blue....visible on the horizon...... I got into the car......and turned the key......it felt strange.......I had not driven since before I left for Toronto......all those many, many weeks before......before Bennett-Chadlen arrived....... With trepidation I put the car into reverse.....and slowly backed out of the driveway.....ok.....so far so good...... I backed out onto the road......not knowing which direction I was going to head in.....allowing auto-pilot to kick in.....like natural born instinct I forged ahead......driving into the sunshine......windows down....breathing in the warm spring air...... I'm doing it....I'm doing it......and it feels ok, I thought to myself.....infact...more than ok.....it feels pretty good..... I drove along the highway.....and turned down a long and winding country road......before too long I came to a half....there on the road ahead of me was one of last spring's babies....a tiny white-tail deer.....signs of life going on around me...... Eventually I came to the fork in the road.....turn left and head home....or face my fears and go straight.....knowing that the road ahead would lead me to Bennett's grave....... I saw his white cross in the distance......as it drew nearer I prepared to struggle for breath......I turned into the laneway which ends abruptly right next to Bennett-Chadlen's plot. I turned off the engine....and opened the door. Can I do this?.....can I really do this?.......my left foot landed on solid ground.....it did not cave under the weight of me as I slowly proceeded to stand.....the air was so warm and still.....I closed the door behind me. Turning.....I saw it. The mound of earth still heaping from the newness.......not yet settled...... much like how I feel right now I thought to myself...... "Hi Bennett......it's Mommy"......rat-a-tat-tat.....rat-a-tat-tat......I looked up.....high on the neighbouring tree was a Downy Woodpecker.....working fervously away at its meal......reminding me once again of the cycle of life.......going on around me. I felt remarkably calm......why? I walked over to the cross....stood behind it.....and placed my hands delicately on either side......it felt warm from the sun's rays.....I stood like that for a long while......just looking down......remembering my little one.....remembering the feel of his skin.....remembering his delicate scent......his dark curls.....his tiny fingers and toes....... His beautiful face.......oh his beautiful face........how perfect he was.....incredibly perfect he was........he took my breath away when first I laid my eyes on him.....when he turned toward my voice and looked into my eyes.....22 days ago..... Without warning....I felt the tightening of my chest.....here it comes.......the tears........I can't stop......and it hurts so bad....."I don't want to feel this......I really don't want to feel this"....... Suddenly.....out of nowhere......I heard him......it was Bennett-Chadlen.......and he was speaking to me....!....... "Don't be sad mommy.......please don't be sad"....... Instantly the veil of sorrow was lifted......a delicate breeze began to blow gently .....brushing the hair gently away from my face.....steady it blew for a minute.... "I'm going to be ok......thank you Bennett......I love you baby boy.....I miss you so much......Mommy needed that.......you made me feel better......now don't forget Daddy.....he's sad too......go to him now.....and let him know you're there.......Mommy wants him to feel better too"..... I got back into the car.....but didn't say goodbye.......I didn't need to....he's not there...... He's with me......even now......surrounding me with his love..... "I'm going to make it through another day"............

Bennett's Obituary

Friday, April 20, 2007 Bennett's Obituary Current mood: sad "NIMKEE" BENNETT-CHADLEN ROY In loving memory of Bennett-Chadlen Roy, "Nimkee - Little Thunder". Bennett-Chadlen was born in Toronto on March 29, 2007. He passed away peacefully in the loving arms of his parents on Good Friday, April 6, 2007 at the Hospital for Sick Children NICU. He was 8 days old. Bennett-Chadlen will forever be remembered as a very brave and strong boy. He wasn't with us long enough, but he touched many hearts during his brief time here on earth. He will be lovingly remembered forever in the hearts of his parents, Melissa Roy and Chadlen Casarin. Special and much loved brother of Brendan, Tristan, Mason and Tanner. Precious Grandson of Larry Roy (Caroline), Glena Roy (Mike) all of Little Current, and Margaret DeBoer (Peter) of Cambridge. Dear nephew of Laurie Maybee (Scott) of Barrie, Evan Roy (Amanda), and Kaylyn Roy all of Little Current, Christine Casarin of Kitchener, Jason Casarin of Toronto. Great-grandson of Glen & Jean Cannard of Sheguiandah and Mabel Roy of Little Current. Funeral Services at the home of Larry Roy at 6:30pm Tuesday, April 10. Burial to follow in Elmview Cemetary, Sheguiandah. Arrangements in care of Island Funeral Home. Donations in Memory of Bennett-Chadlen Roy may be made to the NICU at Sick Kids by calling 1-800-661-1083 or mail to SickKids Foundation, 525 University Avenue, 14th floor, Toronto, Ontario M5G 2L3. Please specify "NICU" in Memory of Bennett-Chadlen Roy. hadlen Roy.

My Daily Prayer....

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Current mood: crushed Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes "Thank you God for giving me Bennett-Chadlen, and all my beautiful boys.... Thank you God for giving me this wonderful day, and for helping me to get through another day... I pray for Peace, and Comfort, in the knowledge that Bennett-Chadlen is safe and happy in your presence, and the presence of his family members which have gone before him... I pray that Bennett-Chadlen surrounds me today, I pray that I feel His energy around me... I pray that Bennett-Chadlen can hear me when I speak to Him, and that He will help to provide his Mommy & Daddy with the comforts we need to heal our broken-hearts; and that we can get through these days ahead capable of remaining friends, in honor of Bennett-Chadlen's precious memory... I pray for all the other mommy's & daddy's that are missing their children, I pray for the mommy's & daddy's that are waiting for their precious babies to be born....and that they make it safely to their parents loving arms.... I pray for the precious babies that are fighting for their lives...that they are free of pain and suffering.......and that should they also pass, they are able to do so in the loving arms of their parents that love them so much. I pray for everybody, everywhere.... that need you today Lord, for none of us are without our needs. I pray that one day you will bless my family with the Love & Tenderness that we deserve, a life free of heartache & pain, free of abuse & addictions, free of struggles & sorrows... I pray for the ability to provide my children with the family life that they deserve, so that they may grow up knowing how to love & provide safety & tenderness for families of their own one day. I pray for the strength & courage that I need to make it through this day, the knowledge to know who to trust, and the ability to love & trust when that opportunity presents itself. I pray that Bennett-Chadlen's daddy finds the happiness he is looking for... that he reaches his goals... that you also give him the strength & comfort that he deserves.... and that Bennett-Chadlen looks over him and lets him know that he is near, never more than a heartbeat away. Thank you for my many wonderful friends.... whose love & support I cherish more than words can express. Watch over them and keep them safe. This is my daily prayer... ~Amen~