Today.....14 days later......

Friday, April 20, 2007

Current mood: accomplished Category: Life Well, today marks the 14th day since my precious Bennett-Chadlen left this world. It was the worst day of my life......but it was also a day I will cherish forever because it was also the day I got to hold my beautiful baby for the first time. I will remember forever how it felt to have him placed into my waiting arms for the first time......I thought my heart was going to burst....my tears flowed uncontrollably......it was the best feeling ever. The saddest part about it was knowing that it was also going to be the last time I held my darling boy alive.....he was not doing very well and was not expected to make it through the day. I could not allow him to suffer any longer.....and I could not allow him to take his last breath never having been held in the loving arms of his mommy and daddy. We had been patiently waiting so long already...... Long were the days and nights of sitting next to him.... rejoicing in the littlest of achievements...... smiling with glee when he fluttered his eyes.....opening them for brief glimpses at us...... feeling such an intense sense of satisfaction while he gripped our fingers and held on.......none of us wanting to let go..... I cannot adequately describe those feelings which Bennett-Chadlen evoked in us.......those are feelings that only we as his parents can understand for each other....... I went to his grave again today...... I couldn't directly drive there.....there were too many emotions going through me....and I knew I had to prepare my mind first. ......my mom left me her car for the day.....just incase I felt like venturing out. I wasn't sure about it at first.....there was a certain comfort in hiding inside the house.....but there was also that curiosity about what is beyond the threshold..... I imagine it as being similar to the feelings of a newly hatched butterfly......coming out of its cocoon for the very first time.....craving the comfort of enclosure.....but yet wanting to explore into that vast expanse of blue....visible on the horizon...... I got into the car......and turned the key......it felt strange.......I had not driven since before I left for Toronto......all those many, many weeks before......before Bennett-Chadlen arrived....... With trepidation I put the car into reverse.....and slowly backed out of the driveway.....ok.....so far so good...... I backed out onto the road......not knowing which direction I was going to head in.....allowing auto-pilot to kick in.....like natural born instinct I forged ahead......driving into the sunshine......windows down....breathing in the warm spring air...... I'm doing it....I'm doing it......and it feels ok, I thought to myself.....infact...more than ok.....it feels pretty good..... I drove along the highway.....and turned down a long and winding country road......before too long I came to a half....there on the road ahead of me was one of last spring's babies....a tiny white-tail deer.....signs of life going on around me...... Eventually I came to the fork in the road.....turn left and head home....or face my fears and go straight.....knowing that the road ahead would lead me to Bennett's grave....... I saw his white cross in the distance......as it drew nearer I prepared to struggle for breath......I turned into the laneway which ends abruptly right next to Bennett-Chadlen's plot. I turned off the engine....and opened the door. Can I do this?.....can I really do this?.......my left foot landed on solid ground.....it did not cave under the weight of me as I slowly proceeded to stand.....the air was so warm and still.....I closed the door behind me. Turning.....I saw it. The mound of earth still heaping from the newness.......not yet settled...... much like how I feel right now I thought to myself...... "Hi Bennett......it's Mommy"......rat-a-tat-tat.....rat-a-tat-tat......I looked up.....high on the neighbouring tree was a Downy Woodpecker.....working fervously away at its meal......reminding me once again of the cycle of life.......going on around me. I felt remarkably calm......why? I walked over to the cross....stood behind it.....and placed my hands delicately on either side......it felt warm from the sun's rays.....I stood like that for a long while......just looking down......remembering my little one.....remembering the feel of his skin.....remembering his delicate scent......his dark curls.....his tiny fingers and toes....... His beautiful face.......oh his beautiful face........how perfect he was.....incredibly perfect he was........he took my breath away when first I laid my eyes on him.....when he turned toward my voice and looked into my eyes.....22 days ago..... Without warning....I felt the tightening of my chest.....here it comes.......the tears........I can't stop......and it hurts so bad....."I don't want to feel this......I really don't want to feel this"....... Suddenly.....out of nowhere......I heard him......it was Bennett-Chadlen.......and he was speaking to me....!....... "Don't be sad mommy.......please don't be sad"....... Instantly the veil of sorrow was lifted......a delicate breeze began to blow gently .....brushing the hair gently away from my face.....steady it blew for a minute.... "I'm going to be ok......thank you Bennett......I love you baby boy.....I miss you so much......Mommy needed that.......you made me feel better......now don't forget Daddy.....he's sad too......go to him now.....and let him know you're there.......Mommy wants him to feel better too"..... I got back into the car.....but didn't say goodbye.......I didn't need to....he's not there...... He's with me......even now......surrounding me with his love..... "I'm going to make it through another day"............