BENNETT CAME HOME TODAY......

Monday, April 09, 2007

Current mood: sad Category: Life Bennett came home today. I am assuming that because of the holiday weekend, there was going to be a delay in getting Bennett returned. The funeral director was told that he could not be transported until Tuesday. My father made sure that I didn't have to wait that long..... He and a very good family friend drove all the way to Toronto and back lastnight, picking up Bennett at the hospital and brought him home to the island. They got in about 4:30 am. My father told me that they performed a smudging ceremony before placing Bennett in the vehicle. When they opened the door to let him in.....they said my Great-Grandpa Roy got in also....and held Bennett in his arms all the way home. It sounds exactly like something my grandpa would have done too......he loved little children so much.....especially Brendan....(my eldest son).....when he was little. My father said it helped him to drive home knowing that Grandpa was there....as he wasn't sure how he was going to get through the long trip with Bennett being so nearby. If you are even remotely spiritual, you will believe that Bennett did not make the trip alone.......he is safe with my Great-Grandparents now....as well as being surrounded by many little angels of parents that I have become acquainted with through the trisomy 13 site and Breath of Hope (for Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia) support boards..... I went to the funeral home today with my parents and my sister. We were met there by my aunt and her sister. They are very involved with helping with traditional native ceremonies. They had prepared a cedar tea for me to bathe him in....as well I am to drink it. It is supposed to help me with my grief, according to the medicine man. He also left my aunt with instructions to have me drink another cup of specially mixed medicines....one can only imagine what was in it....but it also was to help me get through this day. I think it worked, for I was remarkably calm all day just as Bennett needed me to be. My sister helped me bathe Bennett in the cedar bath....he was rubbed down with washcloths dipped in the water. One of the women smudged Bennett with his very own eagle feather to cleanse him..... there was drumming and singing also.....it was very moving and spiritual. They had offered tobacco earlier in the morning and prayed to hear from the Spirits for a name to give to Bennett.....his native 'Spirit' name. Their prayers were answered, and Bennett was given the name "NIMKEE"....which means "LITTLE THUNDER". From now on, when I hear the thunder......I am to know that it is my NIMKEE letting me know he is near. Coincidently....I have always loved storms.....especially the rumbling of thunder in the distance. I now look forward to many. Bennett was dressed and wrapped by myself, my sister, and my mom. The most amazing thing of all is that I was able to bring him home with me. My father and I drove by my home, to show him where he came from.....and to let him know where to find me when he wants to. I held him in my arms....it was so unbelievably peaceful. I am now at my father's home with Bennett. We have had the most remarkable day ever. My brother made a large wooden cross for Bennett...inscribed with his name.... "NIMKEE BENNETT CHADLEN ROY"....... to break it down even further.... Nimkee.....'Little Thunder' Bennett....'Little Blessed One' Chadlen...(his dad's name)....'Warrior' Roy....(my maiden name)....'King' What a powerful name for the gentlest of souls....but a true fighter all the way..... We have had people in and out all day....family from near and far....the home will remain open all night and all day....and Bennett will never be alone.....for traditional reasons I won't get into. There is a certain amount of comfort knowing that my little Bennett is nearby.....I can see him, and touch him anytime I feel the need to. It felt so good to hold him in my arms most of the day. It may seem a little strange, or difficult to understand...but for anyone that has ever lost a little child, especially a newborn.....will understand the need to hold on.....not forever....but just for a little while. It really does help to heal the hurt....and by the end of the next two days I will be able to let go in a more free way than I could have if I had never been given this chance. There is something so difficult for me to grasp......about leaving my son unattended in a dark, and lonely funeral home. This evening we had an Elder man and woman come in and lead a prayer and song session. It was so powerfully moving. Everyone held hands at times.....Bennett was truly present for it all....I could feel him and smell his scent.....trust me....it's all true. Following the prayer session, Brendan and Chadlen took turns playing the guitar and beating on little bongo drums that Brendan brought over from my home. It lightened up the mood considerably. Chad was quite surprised by how relaxed we all are concering the passing of a precious life....but I explained to him that this is not to be viewed as a period of mourning....but a celebration of our precious Bennett's life.....the way that Bennett would want it to be....surrounded by his loved ones.....with smiles on our faces. I know he was happy to witness the love in this home today....and we will do it all again until he is laid to rest. The service is to take place in this home, followed by a burial just prior to sunset, in a quiet little cemetary 6 miles outside of town....in a little village where my great-grandparents reside. It is off the main highway.....in a peaceful hideaway. There are many lovely shade trees, and much privacy all around. He will truly rest in peace in a beautiful and tranquil setting.....as we all would wish for ourselves. There is a plot beside him reserved for me....and my great-parents will be on the other side of him when they too shall one day pass. He will not be alone. I am no longer afraid of my own death.....for it will become the day when I will meet my precious Bennett once again.....for all eternity.