3 long days....but i'm doing ok.....

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Current mood: contemplative Category: listening to amazing grace...by ani defranco.... Goals, Plans, Hopes well, three days have passed..... 3 long days since i got the worst news of my life...... i thought that knowing would be the best thing...but now i think i was wrong to think that.... yes....i know what is possibly coming my way...... but what is it really.... since i haven't miscarried yet there is an increased chance that i will carry this baby to term....nearly 5 more months away.... which is great.....because i don't want to let go.....i can feel this baby inside me right now moving around....and it is an undescribable feeling.... for those of you who have had children...you know what i mean....but imagine knowing that this is possibly the only signs of life that you will receive and experience with your precious little one... i can't even tell you how hard it is to accept that possibility...... when you lose a child unexpectedly it is always a huge shock....one you didn't see coming....but really....would you want to know..... i thought that if i knew i could prepare....but now i think that this is something that is just impossible to prepare for....how do you stuff 50 years of loving into these 5 short months....i say 50 because i will be lucky to see the age of 86 myself....i can only hope for more.... but honestly....have you ever considered what it would be like to know when the end is near...one could say....i would do this and that.....and really live it up if i knew when my number was up....but that is really only the kind of thing you could only imagine.....the last 24, 12, 6 hours of your time would be the hardest...for everyone.....but this is my countdown now.... i have to enjoy what i have today.....there is also the possibility of premature birth...which surely would be the end....for this baby needs to grow as much as it can to be strong enough for the road ahead if there is going to be any hope.... so the reality says that 5 months is most likely the most i can hope for....if i listen to what the statistics say......this is what i have been told.....it could be less....any day could be the last..... i pray for more.....so much more.....i wonder how many of you have taken the time to check out the website i posted in my last blog a few days ago....please look at it....there are so many miracles there....truly miracles...because we have all been told there is no hope..... then why are they still alive....there is one woman on there that is in her 40's....one young woman is 18 and is attending grade 12 in highschool.....one woman says they told her her daughter would never see the outside of the NICU....now her daughter dances....! it is heartwarming and emotional to look at....i haven't brought myself to look again since early yesterday morning.....it makes me cry....but i cry out of fear mostly..... i already know the pain....i live with it now....like i did in the past...7 years ago.....but i was not alone then....not like now....i hope that when i counts i don't have to go through this alone....but i will survive...and be proud knowing i had the courage to survive..... being a parent involves sacrifice sometimes....but the sacrifices are so worth it when you consider the rewards of being a parent...even if just for a short, short time.....to those of you out there that have faced parenthood you know what i mean.... it is hard to go to sleep at night....and not have someone there to comfort me into my fitful slumber....it is equally difficult to wake up alone...and face the harshness of another day....knowing what i know....waiting.....wondering.....trying to just get through another minute without tears..... but i am getting by.....so far today not many tears at all....i had a visit from a dear lifelong friend of mine....and she brought me a special little friend.....and he has a story..... his name is Biscutt....that's how it's spelled on his name tag.... he is a travelling bear.....a friend of hers had him in his back seat of his vehicle keeping him company and looking over him on his numerous travels back and forth to work..... he came to her 4 years ago while she was in the hospital recovering from an injury.....Biscutt has been with her watching over her and keeping her company through thick and thin these past 4 years.....he has travelled the highways without complaining....he is the perfect companion..... well today Biscutt came to live with me....he is my guardian angel.....she brought him here to watch over me.....cry with me....laugh with me.....mostly he will cuddle with me....for hugs are few and far between these days....i will not go to bed alone at night...i will not wake up alone....Biscutt will be with me always.....i love him already.....he is watching me write this now...here by my side.....he is beautiful....thank you so much pammie.....i love you..... so night has fallen once again....i have made it through another day....another weekend.....but i know that i have not really been alone....i have had you all....your love and support...your prayers and comfort....i have received your gifts..... thank you all so much....please know how much i appreciate you all....and don't be afraid to message me...i will reply.....friends keep me distracted....which is precisely what i need right now...idle minds think too much.....please don't be strangers..... i love you all......take care and god bless......xoxoxo.....