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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Roadblocks of Reality

I won't lie. I've been having a really difficult time handling my grief.

How do I handle it? By avoiding it. I've gotten quite good at it too.

When I feel the pain coming, from the memories that are always on my mind, I find something to do.

Check some email, reply, read my mail, feed the pets, do some laundry, pull some weeds and plan next year's garden, watch some mindnumbing television show............the list goes on!

The number one distraction has been my boys, and my special friend J. I keep telling myself that Nimkee doesn't want his Mommy to be so sad and not have time for his brothers, and herself.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I paint this false smile on my face and just walk around like everything's fine. I guess I keep hoping that it just will be. Fake it til you make it........or so the saying goes.
It's not easy to do this though. Turning off my emotions has been really difficult and requires a lot of energy. I'm burning out.

I can't even look back at the old blog entries. Reading these evokes the pain from those days. I don't want anymore pain. I've had enough for one lifetime. I know I need to revisit those days and work through them. I experienced the worst pain a mother could ever know, and I survived!

Now it's time to be more than just a survivor. I feel as though I am just spinning my tires, going nowhere. I don't want to just "exist".


My goals in the coming weeks:

  • Relax and reflect on those painful memories. I know I can do this.......I know I can.

  • Read all those self-help books I've bought and keep piling up around me like some sort of security blanket. It's money wasted....and I'm worth it. I need to work on me.

  • Write. I seriously need to start making the time to write a bit each day. I have all these words, thoughts, feelings...spinning around in my head. The inner dialogue can be nauseating at times. I need to get it down!....and I will. I promise.

  • Tune out the negativity. Unless you've been where I am, you have no idea what is going on inside of me. If you won't, or don't, take the time to listen to'll always be in the dark. I'm not a puzzle. There's nothing to figure out. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. What's vague about that?

Now, I won't add anymore right now. I don't want to overwhelm myself before I even get started.

Wish me luck!

Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings to all..........Mxxoo :O)