Off to the city tomorrow....to have more tests done on my precious Bennett

Monday, December 04, 2006

Current mood: exhausted Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes I will be away for a few days....travelling to Toronto to have more tests done on Wednesday. 8 am Fetal Echo Cardiogram.....at Sick Kids Hospital....i have been told that they think that Bennett's heart is not growing properly and that they think he has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.....which basically means that one side of his heart is not appearing in their initial u/s....and have told me that there is nothing that can be done for him if he is born with it....of course i wanted further testing done....so we will see a better pic and have a better idea what may be going on in there...although i have been told that these tests also are not 100 percent accurate. 2 pm....Mt. Sinai Hospital....for a phase II ultrasound to view the rest of his tiny body.....and hope to see that everything looks good. I have been told that his "orbits" appear closer together than normal and that this may be indicative of holoprosencephaly.....a failure of the brain to grow and divide properly....but the initial u/s made no mention of seeing anything wrong with his brain.....and his head measurements appeared to be accurate for his dates.....so again....let's just hope this is not the case....because i have been told that he will not be able to control his breathing after birth and will eventually cease to breath at all.....and yes....that terrifies me to no end. They also saw extra fluid in his abdomen on the initial scan....which they figure could be caused by heart failure. This condition also is untreatable and a majority of babies that receive this diagnosis do not live to be born full term...which means that my days with this little one may truly be numbered. Each day i have with him is such a blessing...i cannot even tell you how much i enjoy feeling him inside of me....he is wiggling around right now.... I spoke with a friend the other day that i haven't spoken with in a very long time. She did not know about Bennett's diagnosis....so when she asked how everything is going i told her....which is a scary thing to do as you don't know what people may say. Well....she asked me if i could be induced now. I asked her why i would want to do that....it is too early....i am not due until the end of March. Her response, "well don't you just want to get it over with?"....so my response was something like this...."what.....we are not talking about taking out the trash...we are talking about my baby....he is a boy...his name is Bennett....and i love him very much. He is not emotional baggage to me....and each day we have together is a blessing as i do not know what the future holds for us....or how much longer our future together even is." well.....she tried to explain herself....but if some people would just stop and think before they speak.....honestly....it would just make this world a better place. so i ask you folks out there that may think the same way she does.....if you have a child....and that child is diagnosed with a disease that MAY OR MAY NOT be fatal....would you snuff it out to get it over with.....not likely right......and the reason being....you love your child and could never even dream of ending its life....and.........is there a guarantee that this child REALLY IS GOING TO DIE.... well we all know that sometimes medicine makes mistakes.....or that sometimes people heal for inexplicable reasons.....why jump the gun literally if there is a chance to have a future together..... we all also know people that are diagnosed each day with serious illnesses with no known cures....but doctors and family members work together to prolong the lives of these people so that they can enjoy each other for as long as possible... so let me tell you...... it is the same for a baby with a poor prenatal diagnosis..... do i know if my baby will live?.............no do i know if my baby will die?...............no am i willing to take his life in my hands....and decide his fate.............NO !!! Everyone please try and understand the love us moms and dads have for these babies.....and if you ever should find yourself in this situation.....you will understand....until then please do not judge...and do not say anything at all if you can't approach this with compassion and words of comfort..... DON'T ASK WHY.....we choose to go on with these pregnancies.......stop and think about it...... i will update again when i return on Thursday night.....and hopefully will have something good to report.... but just know.....i have him with me tonight.... and that in itself is a good report! MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL....MELISSA & BENNETT