Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
|From Jeff Green pics of Nimkee|
This picture speaks a thousand words............
Due to some email replies to several people, I was prompted to return and read some of my past posts.
I read about the day I received the possible news of Trisomy 18 from blood results that my midwife had performed. I had never bothered with those tests before that particular day. She was drawing blood for something else and I said....."Hey, what the heck. The needle's already in my arm anyway! Go for it. One less thing to worry about." Heh......what did I know?
Hindsight being what it is......I can't help but think that everything happened just as it was predestined to.
My heart is heavy when I remember those final moments as I rocked him and his father and I sang him to Heaven. I remember with great sorrow those final moments of holding him and kissing him one last time before I laid for his eternal rest in his handmade casket, lovingly crafted by his Uncle Evan. I remember being led away as others paid their last respect, showering him with freshcut daisies before the burial commenced......as the sun went down. How I made it through is beyond me!
Yet, at the same time I look around me and find so much joy that had escaped me prior to this amazing journey of love, loss, grief, and healing. I have learned so much about myself, and so many others too. I surprised myself with my ability to survive with such persistence. I am also surprised by the love and acceptance of my sweet boy by those who I really didn't expect it from.
There was 1 person who I thought would be there no matter what. I was wrong. Although I gave her ample time to reach out and provide me with much needed comfort during those early days of my prenatal diagnosis-----it didn't happen----and still hasn't. I can't say that I have closed the door, for my heart doesn't work that way. When I care, I care for life.......even if that means we never cross paths again in this lifetime. Sadly, there is almost a sense of relief from that obligatory task of always being there---any time of day or night......supporting through the mundane stupidity that was exhibited time and time again. I don't miss that......but wish her success in finding that ever elusive happiness. It's sad what some people take for granted.
I read about the day that I received those amnio results informing me that it wasn't Trisomy 18---but that he had FULL Trisomy 13 instead. I was once again dumbfounded and needed to look for some information about that. I found the Livingwithtrisomy 13 site.....and what inspiration and HOPE I was filled with!! I cannot express enough gratitude for the support that was received during those prenatal months. The Treasured Memories site was also such a godsend to me during those days, weeks, months........even now---since the day my little guy grew his tiny, perfect wings and ascended upon the Spirit World.
I read the entry made the day I visited Nimkee's grave site all alone for the first time. What a day that was. I am shocked by the words that I wrote, for I don't remember them at all. Where did I find the strength and courage in those early days and weeks??
There are still many posts to return to and read..........but I don't have to do it all in one day.
The main point of this post is to say that I much prefer my life POST Nimkee, rather than prior to receiving his blessing upon my soul. I have "met" so many wonderful, compassionate, supportive people along the way. Some I have met in person......some I just know in my heart. Some are others who have travelled this journey before me.....but surprisingly many are not. These men and women are just those who randomly found me on myspace and felt compelled to read my "stuff"--for whatever reason....and decided to extend their well wishes and words of praise and comfort my way.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Bennett-Chadlen......through you I have learned so much. I have grown and developed into this person I barely recognize anymore, but yet I wouldn't change a thing if I could-----except to have you in my arms once again, to smell your sweet skin, feel your breath on my face, gaze into your soulful eyes once more..............
You have expanded my mind, my heart, my soul............in ways that I cannot express through words alone.
My journey with you has allowed me to remember and share your sweet brother who formerly went by Baby Golder....but is now known as Noah-Alexander. I was able to recently name him after 9 yrs!
9 long years I kept him locked away inside of me---like a secret never to be spoken of. How sad and tragic not to be able to share your brother with the world and those around me. You have given him back to me like the true gift that he was, and is----just as you continue to be.