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Monday, July 26, 2010

~Reflections of our Final Day~

~Words cannot describe the searing, heart-clutching pain that a parent feels in their chest the very moment that their baby has been 'pronounced'.

"I'm very sorry, but he's gone......."

How do you take another breath, knowing your beloved has just taken his last? How can you fathom a future without this little
person by your side, sharing first smiles, sloppy kisses, and giggles galore?

One can't help but wonder "what do I do now? How will I get through this...."

The entire day was just a blur, with moments of vivid memories. I look back at our photographs taken during that final afternoon. The photographer's lens captured those heart wrenching images as we had to do the unthinkable.

"How do you say farewell, when you've just held this tiny little being in your arms for the very first time since he entered this world, outside your womb?"

I remember walking out of the hospital that night, with empty arms. I hadn't taken a single breath of outdoor air in more than a week, since the day I entered the hospital to give birth 9 days earlier. I stayed by Bennett-Chadlen's bedside night and day, never wanting to be too far away in case the worst should suddenly occur. I wanted to be right there with him should they need to page me.

I stepped outside and took in a huge breath, and held it for a few moments. I could not believe what was happening.

"It's not supposed to be this way".

I was clutching a stuffed bunny in place of him, an Easter gift to Bennett-Chadlen from his brothers.

In the days and weeks that followed I was able to look at the photos and feetprints,

I cherish the hand and foot moulds that were made with my hands, and the hands of Nimkee's siblings.

All of these items make him 'real'.
I cannot hold his hand again, but I can see his tiny fingers and feet....a lock of his hair....his gold embossed feetprints with the 6 gorgeous toes....all thanks to the little things that were done for us before we left the hospital.

~ Gzaagin Nimkee ~ We love you ~ Forever in our hearts ~ Tattooed on my soul ~

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Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings to you all....M