I hope everyone is having a Happy New Year so far!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Current mood: disappointed Category: Life Hello all, I hope all of you are having a great New Year so far..... I have been enjoying my holidays with my boys.....it has had its ups and downs..... My Tristan is 8....his brother Mason is 6.....they play together quite well.....xbox, etc.....no problems there..... Tanner on the other hand.....well he is 4.....and is feeling very much the odd man out..... 2's company....3's a crowd..... He is not yet able to manouvre his way around an xbox controller....but the older boys have given him some lessons. We still do not have any snow.....so they have not been able to go out and play with the new sleds they received for gifts.... Tanner did get a night away with his Grandma....but the visit was not long enough......the boys were not separated long enough to miss each other! Brendan has been busy collaborating on a new song.......i see he has posted a new blog.....asking for patience........I am sure it will be worth the wait! Now to get to me....... I am feeling more and more tired as this pregnancy progresses...... Bennett is growing just as he should be...... AND BOY IS HE ACTIVE! He is giving me quite a working over right now.....i love to feel him so alive and well in there! As the days turn into weeks......i am beginning to feel more anxiety about the coming of his birth..... Perhaps this is why I have been feeling less perky these last few days.....the coming of the New Year is going to bring me a whole new set of things to deal with. Not only is my precious Bennett due to arrive in less than 12 weeks......BUT....... I received a subpeona to attend court on Feb. 5th.....to address some charges that were laid against my ex-husband......so i am also worrying about how I am going to handle that situation in my current state. I have not seen him since June......and certainly not since I found out I am pregnant. The thing that makes this even more sticky is that he is not this baby's father.......so we get to face each other for the first time with me being 8 months pregnant with another man's baby. It will be difficult for both of us to endure i am sure. He is not aware that this little guy is sick either.....as it is none of his business really....but it just makes it that much more difficult for me to handle the court matters since my mind is else where right now. I know that some of his family members will be there also.....so I am not looking forward to seeing them either.....as they were not a part of our family for the last 9 years....they only chose to come to his RESCUE......WHEN BIG BAD ME DECIDED I HAD ENOUGH!..... They have absolutely no idea what i endured during those 9 years...especially the last 4 since he received his brain injury. They do not know the appointments I attended with him.....the fights i have endured to enable him to keep his file open with compensation.....the lawyer appointments I arranged....to help him keep his compensation file open......and the stress and abuse I endured while living with this man while his whole world....AND MINE....was crashing down around our feet! We separated legally more than 2 years ago.......but had really been apart for over 4 years.......so when i decided to move on without him.....and met someone else......there was no wrong doing on my part. Let's just say it was a long time coming...... So.....now i have this little one coming....for how long....nobody knows....... DEAR FRIENDS.....if I am not replying to your comments, messages, etc....as often as I have in the past.....please do not worry......I just have a lot on my mind right now...... Unfortunately.....I also have to deal with the fact that as the days turn into weeks.....the weeks turn into months......I find myself still alone in this journey......and it is becoming very difficult for me to face the weeks ahead knowing that I am bringing this innocent baby into the world without the support and comfort that had been promised to me.......but oh well...... When all is said and done.....I can look myself in the mirror....and know that I have done the best I could......while i had the opportunity.....and I will stand proud knowing that my precious Bennett will watch over me with loving eyes....knowing that i never turned my back on him for a split second.....I have given him unconditional love....as he deserves....from the moment I knew he had joined my life. Life is not always about the goals we set.....and how we accomplish them. Most often it is about how graciously we accept the unexpected GIFTS in life.......