~Today is International Babylost Mother's Day~

http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day.  The following exert is from the blog: 

"United in grief, we find love and strength.

IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life.

On the first Sunday in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.

If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother by sending here one of our flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery."~International Babylost Mother's Day

~sampling of flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery~

 Today I send out comforting hugs, and prayers of peace, to all grieving Mother's around the world xxoo

~What makes a Mother?~

What makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today.

I asked, “What makes a Mother?” and I know I heard him say:

“A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.”

“But God, can you be a Mother when your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes you can”, He replied with a confidence in His voice,

“I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day,

And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here.”

 He took a breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear.

“I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.  If you could see your child smile with other children and say:”

“We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.   

My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.   

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, 

I learned my lesson very quickly;   

My Mommy set me free.   

I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay.   

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,

‘Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.’”

“So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK.   

Your babies are here in My home and this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with me until your lesson is through,

And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother, it’s the feeling in your heart.

It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start.”

~Jennifer Wasik

~Thinking of all my special Mommy friends that are spending their holidays missing their loved ones.  

I send prayers of peace, love, & healing to those that are spending their Christmas in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) with their new babies, in need of some extra tender-loving care.  

May our Creator watch over you, and shower you with an endless abundance of Nimkee-Blessings.  

Peace be with you,

Melissa xxoo

Drop-side Cribs to be Banned in U.S.

http://www.youtube.com/user/USCPSC

The above link will take you to the Consumer Product Safety Commission's Youtube website where they have a vast selection of videos that I highly recommend that everyone take the time to watch.  If you are an expecting parent, babysitter, hands-on Grandparent, or just interested in safety and babies in general----then please, please, please----pour a cup of tea, sit down, and watch a few of these.  It could truly mean the difference between life or death...or serious harm.

The bottom line is that most of this can be prevented by taking the proper precautionary measures and not cut corners because you are in a rush.  You just may regret those moments that you can never undo.


CBC News message posted December 15th, 2010

The following is an exert from this post:

The U.S. government is outlawing drop-side cribs after the deaths of more than 30 infants and toddlers in the past decade.
The Consumer Product Safety Commission has voted unanimously to ban the manufacture, sale and re-sale of the cribs, which have a side rail that moves up and down, allowing parents to more easily lift their child from the crib.
Around for decades, drop-side cribs have come under scrutiny in recent years because of malfunctioning hardware, sometimes cheaper plastics, or assembly problems that can lead to the drop-side rail partially detaching from the crib.
When that happens, it can create a dangerous "V"-like gap between the mattress and side rail where a baby can get caught and suffocate or strangle.
On Tuesday, a consumer safety bill passed in Parliament in Ottawa. When it comes into force in the next few months, the federal government will be able to order the recall of unsafe goods such as drop-side cribs.
Currently, the Canadian government can only request a voluntary recall from manufacturers or distributors.
© The Canadian Press, 2010

~My two cents~~There will always be those that want to criticize about the 'new' parenting advice and will say things like---"oh, how did any of us survive with those cribs?  my gramma told me she slept in a basket or a dresser drawer".....bla bla bla.....You get the hint!

Well, be as judgmental, defensive, or snide as you want to be, but let me say this.  I have given birth to 6 sons and only one of them is currently healthy.

~Now please bear with me while I share a bit about my own experiences.  I can honestly say that I have faced the odds and struggled with a lot of things that were completely out of my hands to prevent.  (Stepping on my soapbox now!)

My eldest son was struck by a truck when he was 4---(and no, he wasn't in my care when it happened but that's besides the point)---my second and fifth sons have a rare blood disease (2nd son had his spleen and gallbladder removed due to this)---my third son was stillborn---my fourth son was born healthy and still is----(I count my blessings each and every day)----and my 6th (last) child was born with Trisomy 13 and passed away at 8 days of age.  I also lost my husband, marriage, business, and future family life due to my (ex) husband's brain injury while on duty as a firefighter on December 19th, 2002.  He did not pass away, but he will never be the same man I married.

I do not play the lotto because life is a big enough gamble already and I truly just feel grateful enough to be able to sit here and write this with my sensibilities still intact!

The moral of this story----don't take risks when we know what may happen.  I cannot turn back the hands of time, and would rather look ahead and feel confident with the smart choices that I have made when it comes to family safety, than have to live with a future regretting the educated decisions that I chose to ignore because I thought "it could never happen to me".  Please, don't be that person.  If it happened to me, or it happened to someone else---it can happen to you or to someone you know.

Arm yourself-----be safe.  Most of all.....be happy.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all this holiday season and every day.

~♥ ♥ TODAY WE REMEMBER UNITED, EVERY DAY WE REMEMBER IN OUR HEARTS ♥ ♥ ~

~October 15th is a monumental day for families like mine, for it's the ONE day all year that we are recognized and given permission to mourn openly and remember our beloved ^Angel^Babies.

This is monumental as much of society still perpetuates the old way of thinking, instilling the Taboo Silence of Infant Loss.  A mother never forgets the day a child is born, regardless of the duration of that pregnancy, or newborn's life.  

All that we ask is that you all try to imagine what we've gone through, and understand with compassion that we are doing our very best to strive and survive through the greatest heartache imaginable.

It is a loss of hopes and dreams of future days spent cuddling as we watch our children learn and grow.  

Be gentle with us, as we are with you, for we also understand that it's so very difficult for you to deal with our grief.

Once a year on this date, families around the world unite and remember their angel-babies in a variety of ways.

http://www.october15th.com/

Many others, like myself, will release balloons in Loving Memory of our Angel Babies.  

In conjunction with Project Sweet Peas, and their balloon release event, I too released balloons to the babies of the families that sent in their requests.  I released balloons for 87 babies on my list; together Project Sweet Peas as a whole released balloons for over 400 little lives lost too soon.

My second angel-baby Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29, and grew his tiny wings 8 days later on Good Friday, April 6th, 2007 at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, Ontario

My first angel, Noah-Alexander, was born with wings on August 6th, 1999

Tristan, Tanner, Mason, & Rheanne were there to help honour the memory of their beloved siblings

My boys and I ready to release the balloons!

Up, up, & away.....*photo courtesy of my boys as I was cutting the ties!

On behalf of Nimkee Blessings, I want to wish all families of ^Angels^ peace and comfort in your hearts, knowing that we all remember with you.  I wish you strength to get through the difficult moments as they inevitably come, and courage to face another day.  Set small goals, and don't fight the feelings.  Get through today.......then do it again tomorrow.  Be gentle with yourself.


~Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all~

~ ♥ ♥ Today, we remember united; Every day we remember in our hearts ♥ ♥ ~

~1 candle for Noah-Alexander, 1 candle for Bennett-Chadlen, 1 candle for all~

~LaBelleDame.com~Jewelry to nurture and support the spirit~

~the following links are to a wonderful website which provides beautiful keepsake jewelry for mothers, grandmothers, aunts.....and also offer cards and links to support resources.

For every purchase made by following one of these links, I will receive a 15% discount which I am planning to put towards the purchase of items for recipients of my Nimkee-Blessings Memorial gift bags for families with newborns at the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) of Toronto, Sick Kids Hospital.


Thanks in advance~Melissa Roy, project leader for Nimkee Blessings


Miscarriage and Infant Loss Memorial Jewelry:






Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a child lost in miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving parent after the loss of a baby.





Fertility Jewelry:



Pregnancy Jewelry:



Memorial Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a loved one. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving process, and life after loss.


Fertility Jewelry - Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols and gemstones to help support the couple who is trying to conceive. Sensitive pieces make wonderful gifts for those who must walk a longer road to get the baby they dream of.


Pregnancy and Birth Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate and support your pregnancy and birth. Created using carefully selected gemstones and symbols to honour this exciting time!


Pet Memorial Jewelry - Pet Loss - Cat and Dog Sympathy Gifts
Pet memorial jewelry created to keep your cat and dog's memory close after the loss of a pet. Touching pet loss sympathy gifts. Free online pet memorials

~CLAIRE'S HOPE~

http://www.claireshope.com/

~Claire's Hope is a beautiful website created in Loving Memory of a little girl named Claire Hope Cox.  Like Bennett-Chadlen (prenatally diagnosed with Trisomy 13), Claire was born with a rare chromosomal syndrome called Trisomy 18, or Edward's Syndrome.  Despite her poor prenatal diagnosis, her parents welcomed her into their waiting arms, and continue to feel blessed for the gift that Claire is in their lives.

Claire's family has created not only this beautiful website, but also a real place where families can go to remember and memorialize the lives of their own babies who left this world all too soon.

Claire's Hope, and Hope's Corner, are located in Mobile, Alabama, in the halls of a 3-story building which used to house an abortion clinic.

(taken from the website)

-"On November 28, 2008, Hope’s Corner was opened to the public as a memorial, a museum, a tribute and a place where women, couples and families affected by crisis pregnancies can get the information they need to honor the sanctity of human life."

Like me, Claire's family does not judge or scorn a parent's decisions regarding the lives of their unborn children.  We all have heartbreaking choices to make, and everyone is welcome to pay tribute to their loved ones amongst the halls of Hope's Corner---whether it be on the "Wall of Forgiveness", the "Children's Garden", or "The Virtual Wall".

"Claire’s Hope is your sanctuary and you are always welcome and will always be uplifted here."

~HALO SLEEPSACK~

Every now and again I stumble upon something too amazing to keep to myself.  This company is one of those!  They manufacture wearable sleeping bags for  your baby, which not only keeps them warm as they nap, but also keeps them safe as there are no blankets to gather up around the baby's face.


click here to visit the website for~HALO SLEEPSACK~ 

The website offers links to safety tips, and info about preventing SIDS.  There are HEALTH links, MEDICAL links, where to purchase links----check it out!


I have a very dear friend that lost her 6 month old daughter to this devastating syndrome.  For those of you that don't know what SIDS stands for, it means "SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME"---and it happens all too often for unexplainable reasons.  


Another heartbreaking story can be found at this LINK.
~exert from the site 
"Every year SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and accidental suffocation claim the lives of 5,000 babies. Our founder Bill Schmid and his wife lost their first born to SIDS. From this tragedy, HALO® and its mission were born. For over 15 years we've been creating products that help keep babies sleeping safely and help in the fight against SIDS through education and by donating a portion of every sale to SIDS charities."


If you or someone you know is the parent of a newborn, or about to become a new mother, consider purchasing one of these HALO SLEEPSACKs.  It's such a practical and beneficial gift for so many reasons.


If you are a grandparent, or babysitter----please click here for a link to safety info about how to lay the baby down to sleep safely.  SAFE SLEEP TIPS  They also offer downloaded information that you can print off and keep handy for those times when you aren't around to lay your little one down to rest.


~HALO SLEEPSACKS~ are available at retailers through North America.  Click here for a location near you!  https://www.halosleep.com/store_locator/


For information about the products available, click on the following link:  https://www.halosleep.com/products/


Let's work together to keep our babies safe.


Congratulations to all new parents, or those who are "soon-to-be",


Much Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings to you all,


Melissa 

~Reflections of our Final Day~

~Words cannot describe the searing, heart-clutching pain that a parent feels in their chest the very moment that their baby has been 'pronounced'.

"I'm very sorry, but he's gone......."

How do you take another breath, knowing your beloved has just taken his last? How can you fathom a future without this little

person by your side, sharing first smiles, sloppy kisses, and giggles galore?

One can't help but wonder "what do I do now? How will I get through this...."

The entire day was just a blur, with moments of vivid memories. I look back at our photographs taken during that final afternoon. The photographer's lens captured those heart wrenching images as we had to do the unthinkable.

"How do you say farewell, when you've just held this tiny little being in your arms for the very first time since he entered this world, outside your womb?"

I remember walking out of the hospital that night, with empty arms. I hadn't taken a single breath of outdoor air in more than a week, since the day I entered the hospital to give birth 9 days earlier. I stayed by Bennett-Chadlen's bedside night and day, never wanting to be too far away in case the worst should suddenly occur. I wanted to be right there with him should they need to page me.

I stepped outside and took in a huge breath, and held it for a few moments. I could not believe what was happening.

"It's not supposed to be this way".

I was clutching a stuffed bunny in place of him, an Easter gift to Bennett-Chadlen from his brothers.

In the days and weeks that followed I was able to look at the photos and feetprints,

I cherish the hand and foot moulds that were made with my hands, and the hands of Nimkee's siblings.

All of these items make him 'real'.

I cannot hold his hand again, but I can see his tiny fingers and feet....a lock of his hair....his gold embossed feetprints with the 6 gorgeous toes....all thanks to the little things that were done for us before we left the hospital.

~ Gzaagin Nimkee ~ We love you ~ Forever in our hearts ~ Tattooed on my soul ~

~When A Baby Dies~

~Here is a 5 minute and 29 second glimpse into my world....and hearts of so many mothers (& fathers) like me. No matter how long it's been, we all still have our days where we remember precisely all of those unspoken emotions....and somehow have to learn how to go on. Do you REALLY want to know how we're doing?---watch this and you'll see ♥ Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings to all who remember ♥ xxoo

~NOAH-ALEXANDER GOLDER~

~10 years ago today, Noah-Alexander came silently into this world. I don't have words to explain how this feels, but I'm going to share him today, which is something I haven't felt comfortable enough to do in years past.

I have this blog for his baby brother Bennett-Chadlen "Nimkee"-----because there was no denying his existence in our lives. Noah's story is a bit different.

I remember being apprehensive about becoming unexpectedly pregnant, Tristan wasn't quite a year old yet and I knew that some would be compelled to tell me what a stupid idea it was. My husband and I wanted to have 4 children together, but our financial situation wasn't good at this particular time. We also had an older son Brendan who was 12.

The day I told my husband that I thought I might be pregnant, he didn't waste a second going to the pharmacy to buy a test for me to take. A few minutes passed, and sure enough----POSITIVE! I came out and handed it to him in tears. He smiled at me and gave me a big hug and told me everything was going to be ok.......then he left!!! I couldn't believe he left me there stunned, knowing I was feeling so apprehensive about it all. He said he'd return in a few minutes.

He took the kids with him to give me a little bit of space. A short while later they returned with a dozen roses and a nice card, letting me know how happy they were that we were going to become a bigger family.

I didn't share the news with anyone else until I couldn't hide it any longer.

Skip ahead a few months------

I remember my mother asking me if I was feeling ok? I told her I was fine, I was just really scared about this pregnancy. She told me I should really try and allow myself to enjoy it because it was something that wasn't going to go away. I didn't want him to go away, but there was just something that was nagging at me. I felt different, like I knew something wasn't right.

Haweater Weekend (which we just celebrated last weekend) came around. Michael decided we should begin our home reno's which we had planned when we purchased the house before Christmas. He and Brendan wasted no time in swinging the sledgehammer and taking down a couple of walls. What a mess!!!!

I kept Tristan away from the mess......and we went to bed that night completely exhausted.

That night I dreamt that something was wrong with my precious cargo. I woke up crying and Michael asked me if I was ok. I told him about my dream, cried some more while he comforted me....and then I got up to start the day. It wasn't long before I felt a slight bit of cramping, etc. I had my husband take me to the ER. They told me it was probably nothing, but decided to do an ultrasound and take a look.

We were excited to see him, but a little nervous too. Never did we think we would find out he had already left us. We saw his tiny feet, and his hands and fingers----his face----everything seemed fine. We were smiling as the tech showed us all of his parts. THEN came time to check for his heartbeat. She tried, asked me to go to the washroom and try again. She tried again.....told me to completely empty my bladder this time. Still nothing. She then decided to try internally----then suddenly she turned off the monitor and told me someone would be right there to speak to us. She left the room very quickly. I was in tears, I already knew.

I was wheeled back down to the ER and the doc there told me to go home and save whatever passes in a baggy. Looking back I don't know how he could be so heartless and non-chalant about it. He wasn't one of the regular docs here, he was a young replacement for the docs who were taking summer holidays.

I was in complete shock. I couldn't think straight, all I wanted was to be in a private place where I could grieve without anyone looking at me, or hearing me. I just wanted to get home and give Tristan a great big hug. I didn't question his poor advice, I just came home and told my grandparents who were here babysitting, and I quickly scurried to bed.

By day 3 the shock began wearing off. Late that night I told my husband I didn't think it was wise for us to possibly deliver a baby at home alone, what if something went wrong?? And I certainly couldn't fathom placing him in a plastic bag and bringing the remains to the hospital. First thing in the morning we returned to the ER and saw a doc whom I knew very well. He was appalled at the advice we were given and gave me a couple of options.

I could be admitted and they'd give me something to induce labour and the nurses would help me through it, OR I could go to the nearest surgical unit on the mainland and have him surgically removed.

I knew that there was NO way I could struggle through labour and not lose my mind completely. I was completely aware of what I might possibly see and I just couldn't do it. Off we went to Sudbury-----I barely remember the trip. I was terrified!

I was prepped for surgery by some nurses who were so busy talking about their upcoming weekend plans they didn't even seem to be aware of why I was there, or what was about to happen. Perhaps it was just their way of not thinking about it????

I did have a couple of very nice "sister's" come by to provide me with some comforting words---I was at a Catholic hospital. I did thank them for their thoughtfulness and told them about the nurses and their lack of compassion. They stayed with me until I was taken into the OR.

The rest of the day is just a blur. I came out of recovery and they told me they didn't recommend that I see him due to decomposure. Because they took him by "dilation & evacuation" (suction which enabled him to come out whole---he was small for dates)---I was able to go home that night if I wanted to......and I wanted to. The trip home was silent.

Over the next couple of days I began to feel horribly ill.....nausea, pain, chills and extreme sweats alternately. I was admitted to the local hospital and treated for a perforated uterus and septic blood poisoning. I wish I could say those were the worst 9 days of my life.....and at that time they were.

The most appalling of all was that I was treated like I had just had surgery for a hangnail. The nurses didn't seem to have any idea what I was in for----until I told them. Finally my husband requested that I be allowed to have my door closed, and they put a note on the outside informing anyone about to enter what had just occurred. I did have one nurse who felt compelled to tell me that I should just consider myself lucky that I already had 2 sons......bc she was never able to conceive. She adopted a boy. I didn't have the strength to say anything......I just looked away towards the window and cried silent tears, and she left.

I came home and everyone acted like nothing had happened. I didn't receive condolence cards, no one said a word.

The day I returned to the hospital for a check-up, one nurse stopped me in the hallway and put her hand on my arm and said gently....."I heard what happened, I'm so sorry for your loss". I tearfully said 'thank you' and tried to summon a smile to show her some appreciation. Her final words were "there must have been something wrong so it's best that it happened this way and he wasn't delivered alive".

I walked away thinking......

Uhm......gee.......ya think?? I wish I'd had the courage to say....."No, what would have been best is if there was nothing wrong, and he was delivered alive and healthy".

I've had many years to reflect back on all of the details and feelings, the lack of support, the ignorance.......and how I felt completely ignored like I had a contagious disease.

The nuns had offered to assist with burial services for Noah. My husband and I attended alone with our son Tristan. No one else came. I am so grateful for their help.

It was a cool and quiet October day. The sky was grey, and the leaves were changing colours and falling. It was the kind of day that seemed as though it had taken its cue from my moods to create the atmosphere around us.

A tiny casket was donated, and services donated as well from a funeral home/director from the city where he was delivered. We had a very touching graveside service and we were allowed to place letters and gifts in a separate box which was buried on top of him. Refreshments and fingerfoods were served in the main building, and it was handled beautifully. I will be eternally grateful to those very thoughtful people.

We stayed until I felt ok enough to leave, and I asked my husband to take me out for dinner. It had been 2 and a half months since his passing and I hadn't yet been out in public since that day it all began on August 6th. I knew my son was finally laid to rest, and all was going to be ok. I knew that the people around us didn't know who we were, or what our story was---it was ok to shed a few tears if I felt the need to.....but I knew I had to put myself back out there in society. Our dinner went well and we returned home after dark.

I've suffered in silence for the last 10 yrs. It's been awkward to speak my son's name because nobody seems to remember him. He went nameless for 9 yrs due to the fact that I didn't have anyone to talk about him with, no one told me it was ok to talk about him, or to give him a proper name....so I just stayed silent.

Following the passing of my other angel Bennett-Chadlen, I decided to allow myself to mention my prior loss. I thought of all of the hurtful things that were said to me and I had no voice to speak how much it hurt.

This time around I decided to share my angels with the world, and hope to be able to help others who also have to walk this path, or know someone who has.

Today I embrace my pain and I'm not ashamed to share it. A mother's heart may heal, but it never, ever forgets.

Rest in peace sweet boys----Mommy loves you.

~BENNETT-CHADLEN'S ANGEL DAY~APRIL 6, 2007

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~Breaking the silence of the taboo subject of Infant Loss~

~The background music was written and recorded by Bennett-Chadlen's father, Chadlen. He wrote the guitar portion while he was in the NICU, and this is what our sweet boy heard as he drifted away in our arms.....this montage captures our final moments together. Viewer discretion is advised. I realize that many of you may not understand why a family might want these photos, but they're all we have to hold onto.

~I share this with you.....it's your choice whether you view it or not. Upon viewing, you will understand what we went through....please show compassion to any grieving mothers that you know. Even if you don't have words, a tender touch is enough.

~I'm here to break the silence....so many like me don't have to feel so alone.

~We will never forget, and we want you to always remember.

~A New Year~~endless possibilities!

Dear Nimkee,
As you know, we have another new year upon us. I cannot believe it has been so long since I last held you in my arms and kissed your softness. I miss you more than words can say, but know that Mommy and your brothers are doing well.

We are still working away here, remembering you in prayer each night, thanking our Creator for his gift of YOU! We feel you with us always, and love that we were so blessed to know you.

As another year unfolds, so does my undying commitment to help others whose lives have been blessed with a special baby like you. You opened up my heart in immeasurable ways, and because of you I am finding my way through this great big world feeling safer and more loved than ever before.

~God is good!

Gchi-miigwech, gzaagin Nimkee..xxoo

Our first kiss........made me cry.......he was 5 days old. I borrowed the photographers stool to reach him.

Almost home.....we love you Bennett-Chadlen

Dear Nimkee.......

From Jeff's pics

Dear Nimkee,
I cannot believe it has been 2 years already since I learned of your Trisomy 13. I remember silently rocking you in front of the fire, rubbing you and thinking----how can this be? How can this little baby growing inside of me be so ill? Why? I just don't understand!

As I make my way through a second Christmas without you, my heart aches. I miss you so much.

Tonight I went to the Candy Cane Festival with your big brothers and I saw a tiny new baby there. He was dressed in a Santa suit, with the little red hat--trimmed in white fur. I wanted to pick him up and hold him...and remember how good you felt in my arms.

I reached down and touched his tiny fingers, held his tiny hand. I stroked his cheeks, felt his dark, wavy hair which reminded me so much of your own. I saw him open his eyes, just waking from his nap....and remembered seeing you do the same.

I couldn't resist. I had to reach down and kiss him tenderly.....

And all I could think of was you......

Gzaagin Nimkee.....Mommy xxoo

Blessings in hidden places......

From Jeff Green pics of Nimkee

This picture speaks a thousand words............
========================================================

Due to some email replies to several people, I was prompted to return and read some of my past posts.

I read about the day I received the possible news of Trisomy 18 from blood results that my midwife had performed. I had never bothered with those tests before that particular day. She was drawing blood for something else and I said....."Hey, what the heck. The needle's already in my arm anyway! Go for it. One less thing to worry about." Heh......what did I know?

Hindsight being what it is......I can't help but think that everything happened just as it was predestined to.

My heart is heavy when I remember those final moments as I rocked him and his father and I sang him to Heaven. I remember with great sorrow those final moments of holding him and kissing him one last time before I laid for his eternal rest in his handmade casket, lovingly crafted by his Uncle Evan. I remember being led away as others paid their last respect, showering him with freshcut daisies before the burial commenced......as the sun went down. How I made it through is beyond me!

Yet, at the same time I look around me and find so much joy that had escaped me prior to this amazing journey of love, loss, grief, and healing. I have learned so much about myself, and so many others too. I surprised myself with my ability to survive with such persistence. I am also surprised by the love and acceptance of my sweet boy by those who I really didn't expect it from.

There was 1 person who I thought would be there no matter what. I was wrong. Although I gave her ample time to reach out and provide me with much needed comfort during those early days of my prenatal diagnosis-----it didn't happen----and still hasn't. I can't say that I have closed the door, for my heart doesn't work that way. When I care, I care for life.......even if that means we never cross paths again in this lifetime. Sadly, there is almost a sense of relief from that obligatory task of always being there---any time of day or night......supporting through the mundane stupidity that was exhibited time and time again. I don't miss that......but wish her success in finding that ever elusive happiness. It's sad what some people take for granted.


I read about the day that I received those amnio results informing me that it wasn't Trisomy 18---but that he had FULL Trisomy 13 instead. I was once again dumbfounded and needed to look for some information about that. I found the Livingwithtrisomy 13 site.....and what inspiration and HOPE I was filled with!! I cannot express enough gratitude for the support that was received during those prenatal months. The Treasured Memories site was also such a godsend to me during those days, weeks, months........even now---since the day my little guy grew his tiny, perfect wings and ascended upon the Spirit World.


I read the entry made the day I visited Nimkee's grave site all alone for the first time. What a day that was. I am shocked by the words that I wrote, for I don't remember them at all. Where did I find the strength and courage in those early days and weeks??


There are still many posts to return to and read..........but I don't have to do it all in one day.


The main point of this post is to say that I much prefer my life POST Nimkee, rather than prior to receiving his blessing upon my soul. I have "met" so many wonderful, compassionate, supportive people along the way. Some I have met in person......some I just know in my heart. Some are others who have travelled this journey before me.....but surprisingly many are not. These men and women are just those who randomly found me on myspace and felt compelled to read my "stuff"--for whatever reason....and decided to extend their well wishes and words of praise and comfort my way.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Bennett-Chadlen......through you I have learned so much. I have grown and developed into this person I barely recognize anymore, but yet I wouldn't change a thing if I could-----except to have you in my arms once again, to smell your sweet skin, feel your breath on my face, gaze into your soulful eyes once more..............

You have expanded my mind, my heart, my soul............in ways that I cannot express through words alone.

My journey with you has allowed me to remember and share your sweet brother who formerly went by Baby Golder....but is now known as Noah-Alexander. I was able to recently name him after 9 yrs!

9 long years I kept him locked away inside of me---like a secret never to be spoken of. How sad and tragic not to be able to share your brother with the world and those around me. You have given him back to me like the true gift that he was, and is----just as you continue to be.

Gzaagin Nimkee.........gzaagin............

Roadblocks of Reality

I won't lie. I've been having a really difficult time handling my grief.

How do I handle it? By avoiding it. I've gotten quite good at it too.

When I feel the pain coming, from the memories that are always on my mind, I find something to do.

Check some email, reply, read my mail, feed the pets, do some laundry, pull some weeds and plan next year's garden, watch some mindnumbing television show............the list goes on!

The number one distraction has been my boys, and my special friend J. I keep telling myself that Nimkee doesn't want his Mommy to be so sad and not have time for his brothers, and herself.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I paint this false smile on my face and just walk around like everything's fine. I guess I keep hoping that it just will be. Fake it til you make it........or so the saying goes.

It's not easy to do this though. Turning off my emotions has been really difficult and requires a lot of energy. I'm burning out.

I can't even look back at the old blog entries. Reading these evokes the pain from those days. I don't want anymore pain. I've had enough for one lifetime. I know I need to revisit those days and work through them. I experienced the worst pain a mother could ever know, and I survived!

Now it's time to be more than just a survivor. I feel as though I am just spinning my tires, going nowhere. I don't want to just "exist".

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!

My goals in the coming weeks:

• Relax and reflect on those painful memories. I know I can do this.......I know I can.


• Read all those self-help books I've bought and keep piling up around me like some sort of security blanket. It's money wasted....and I'm worth it. I need to work on me.


• Write. I seriously need to start making the time to write a bit each day. I have all these words, thoughts, feelings...spinning around in my head. The inner dialogue can be nauseating at times. I need to get it down!....and I will. I promise.


• Tune out the negativity. Unless you've been where I am, you have no idea what is going on inside of me. If you won't, or don't, take the time to listen to me.....you'll always be in the dark. I'm not a puzzle. There's nothing to figure out. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. What's vague about that?

Now, I won't add anymore right now. I don't want to overwhelm myself before I even get started.

Wish me luck!

Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings to all..........Mxxoo :O)

The New Normal.......what is it???

Monday, October 22, 2007

The New Normal.......what is it??? Current mood: melancholy Category: Life Well.....it has been a very long time since I have written here......not sure why......but sense it has something to do with "MY NEW NORMAL" What is this?? Well........Angel Mommies all have to discover this for ourselves.....muddling our way through our days....discovering ways to find a comfort in our skins. Believe me.....it isn't easy. My skin doesn't fit anymore. It feels tight.....and a bit itchy......especially in places that I cannot reach for myself.....like the middle of the back that no matter what you do....it just isn't reachable. We can ask someone to "scratch" it for us......but the itch will inevitably come back.....it always does. In different places......sometimes in places we can reach.......but scratching it is only a temporary fix. The "elusive" itch always comes back. I also liken it to having a "burr under my saddle". Imagine it......it's there. Right on the surface at first...but if you can't get it out.....it just burrows itself deeper into the flesh. Ending up.....Kinda like a sliver. Often times.....you know the sliver is there.....but you can't see it. At first you dig and dig.....trying to get it out. The "wound" is very raw....the more you pick and dig. It hurts.....sometimes you might cry.....but it doesn't make the invisible irritant go away. Eventually you just have to ignore it....and hope it festers its way out in time. Sometimes the discomfort is just on the surface.....like a blister from a mis-fitting pair of shoes. It hurts at first.....but goes away eventually, in a matter of days. Sometimes the hurt is much deeper than that. I had my appendix out when I was 10 yrs old. That was many, many years ago.......but the scar will always be there. Visible to the naked eye........but placed in an area that is only visible if I "choose" to reveal it to you. The fact of the matter is this.......... I live with an ever-changing pain and discomfort that will never, ever go away. So......what do I do to get rid of this?? Sit back....put my feet up......and try to get as comfortable as possible......because it is going to be a long and bumpy ride. I live with an incurable condition.....called "grief". Bennett-Chadlen's dad told me a while back......that Bennett is "tattooed on his soul". I love this. It describes perfectly the intensity with which we love our son. It will never subside....or go away. I wear a scar on my heart.......down deep where you will never see it. I pray that you will never know it either. Currently reading : Sylvia Browne’s Journey of the Soul-Box Set By Sylvia Browne Release date: By 01 September, 2001

Broken~Hearted Lullabies......my new group

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Broken~Hearted Lullabies......my new group Current mood: sympathetic Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Throughout the Trisomy journey that I travelled with my precious Angel....Bennett-Chadlen....I have met some wonderful and loving moms...... Moms that wanted their babies....but for a variety of reasons, mostly due to pressure from those around them....be it the medical professionals.....or their family members....these women felt pressured to terminate their much wanted babies.....and are now living with regret and heartache. During my journey with Trisomy 13....I was told that these children do not survive.....and that if they did....their quality of life was so grim that it would be a horrible life for them to endure. I now know that is not always true. Some of these moms have also been told similar misinformation....and due to the shock of the diagnosis.....went ahead and terminated....only to find out later on.....that there were children with similar conditions that do survive....with a quality of life far greater than that which was expected......and that these children and their family members are happy. This group is for those that have been in this situation.....and currently find themselves struggling with the journey of healing. My heart goes out to you all. If you...or anyone you know.....is in this situation.......please lead them here. Angel Blessings.......Melissa & ^Angel^Bennett-Chadlen ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This YAHOO group is specifically for those that have terminated a much loved and wanted baby for medical reasons.....and are living with regrets of that decision. All members here are women....from all walks of life. This is a place to come and feel safe.....and supported.....and most of all comforted. Everyone deserves love and acceptance....and I want you to know that you will find it here. If you are in need of support.....or know someone that is....please let us know. Love, Peace, & Harmony to all......from Broken~Hearted Lullabies. Click here to link to BROKEN~HEARTED LULLABIES

July 28, 2007---1:14 a.m.

Friday, July 27, 2007

July 28, 2007---1:14 a.m. Current mood: accomplished Category: Life Well....it's definitely been a while since I blogged......I don't even know where to start. My boys are doing well....loving the new pool..... And so am I.... hanging around at the beach is not my thing..... Not these days anyway.....life is different now.... I made a memory garden for Bennett-Chadlen........ We also planted an apple tree in Bennett-Chadlen's memory. It's a spindly little thing, but is covered in quite a number of apples which are growing each day. I can hardly wait to take a bite out of one of those in the fall. So as you can see I have been keeping busy here. With the discovery of each new blossom.....comes an awareness that life does go on. Much love and gratitude to those of you that have trudged along with me during this unbelievable journey during the last 12 months. Your comfort and support has helped make each day a little easier to face. Gone are the days that I doubted that I would go on. I did not perish when my beautiful Bennett-Chadlen took his last breath......nor have I perished each day since then. It appears that the world is not finished with me yet.....so I must persevere......trudging boldly through each new day. I love you so much Bennett-Chadlen...... Thank you for choosing me to be your mum...... Hugs & Angel Kisses my precious boy Currently listening : Don't You Fake It By The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Release date: By 12 March, 2007