~My Baby is an Angel~

~Today is International Babylost Mother's Day~

2011-05-01T15:35:00.000-04:00

http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day. The following exert is from the blog:

"United in grief, we find love and strength.

IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life.

On the first Sunday in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.

If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother by sending here one of our flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery."~International Babylost Mother's Day


~sampling of flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery~

Today I send out comforting hugs, and prayers of peace, to all grieving Mother's around the world xxoo

~March 13th ~ TRISOMY 13 AWARENESS DAY~

2011-03-14T00:47:00.000-04:00

~Today, myself and many other families around the world took part in remembering and honouring our Trisomy 13 angel-babies and miraculous survivors. The 13th day of the 3rd month signifies the addition of the 3rd COPY of Chromosome 13 which contraindicates Trisomy 13.

This is a beautiful commemoration of other Trisomy 13 families that celebrate and cherish the blessings that we share. Thank you to Micayla, Angel Faith's Mommy, for putting this together and sharing it with others.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all on this special day and ways xxoo

I love you Bennett-Chadlen xxoo

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;fk&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;

~MARCH is TRISOMY AWARENESS MONTH~

2011-03-07T22:14:00.001-05:00

~The month of March is significant to me for a variety of reasons.

It is the month that my father and brother have their birthdays.

It is the month for Brain Injury Awareness, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness, National Nutrition Month, and Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month.

The most significant of all is that March 29th, 2007 was the day that my youngest son Bennett-Chadlen Roy was born at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Toronto, Canada, and spent his entire 8 day life at Sick Kids Hospital NICU.

Bennett-Chadlen was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 halfway through my pregnancy, in my fifth month. I had no idea what it was, and what it meant for his life. I just knew that it had to be something bad judging by the look of horror and pain on my midwife's face as she tried to break it to me as gently as possible.

How do you tell someone that their unborn child is affected by a rare chromosomal abnormality which often results in death prenatally or shortly following birth?

March is TRISOMY AWARENESS MONTH. It is the one month of the year when all families of children born affected with Trisomy can join forces and inform our family and friends what Trisomy is, and what it means to us.

What began is the worst possible nightmare that I could possibly imagine, has turned into an unbelievable journey of unconditional love, pure acceptance, grief, healing, and joy. Why joy you might ask?

My son gave me the greatest gift imaginable. He opened me up to the most intense feeling of love that I could never imagine without experiencing it firsthand. There are no words for the wonder and depth of admiration that I felt for this tiny, unborn son of mine. Every single moment of time, every tiny little heartbeat......was graciously celebrated within my womb. I spent each day rubbing him through my belly, speaking his name as I described what I could see and what "we" were doing. I spent countless hours rocking him in front of the fire at night, in a room lit only by the flames. I celebrated every kick and prayed for many more. I shed tears that I thought would never stop.

Through the gift of my blessed boy, I learned to live spontaneously and squeeze every amount of happiness out of each and every day that I can breath. I welcome life, I rejoice in the ability to experience the rain, wind, snow, and sunshine. I hug my boys as often as possible, and never allow a day to go by without them knowing how much they are cherished and loved. The same goes for the special people and friends in my life.

Through the internet I was able to not only learn about the survivors and families affected by Trisomy 13, but I was also able to reach out and 'meet' others in similar situations and seek comfort and solace within their words of support which they so generously gave to me when I enquired or requested it.

As I near my sweet boy's 4th Heavenly Birthday I can't help but feel sentimental and think back to those final days 4 years ago as I was waiting for him to be born.

I can't explain it, but I can show you the beautiful photos which were provided to me courtesy of Heather Renee Morgan of Lifespark Photography.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all my special Trisomy families today, and always xxoo

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~What makes a Mother?~

2010-12-28T14:24:00.002-05:00

What makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today.

I asked, “What makes a Mother?” and I know I heard him say:

“A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.”

“But God, can you be a Mother when your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes you can”, He replied with a confidence in His voice,

“I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day,

And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here.”

He took a breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear.

“I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say:”

“We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lesson very quickly;

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,

‘Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.’”

“So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK.

Your babies are here in My home and this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with me until your lesson is through,

And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother, it’s the feeling in your heart.

It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start.”

~Jennifer Wasik

~Thinking of all my special Mommy friends that are spending their holidays missing their loved ones.

I send prayers of peace, love, & healing to those that are spending their Christmas in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) with their new babies, in need of some extra tender-loving care.

May our Creator watch over you, and shower you with an endless abundance of Nimkee-Blessings.

Peace be with you,

Melissa xxoo

~Reflections of Cystic Fibrosis~

2010-12-18T19:32:00.000-05:00

http://www.cysticfibrosis.ca/(click here for more info)

I remember a visit to Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, Ontario back in 2004. Tristan (5--diagnosed with Spherocytosis which is a blood disease) was there to have his spleen and gallbladder removal surgery and we had to spend 11 days on the surgical floor as he healed.

I took advantage of having someone to sit with Tristan and I took a brief jaunt to grab a coffee and a snack. In the nurses/admission area I saw a woman holding a very sick looking little baby. He was several months old, and had tubes attached to him. The mother had a very sad glint in her eyes, but smiled at me and said "Hi" as I approached.

My mommy senses kicked in and I just had to take a peak at her baby boy and let her know how cute I thought he was. I then asked her what was wrong. She told me he was born with Cystic Fibrosis and his life expectancy was nearing its end. My heart took a leap and I felt my eyes instantly fill with tears. I instinctively reached out and placed my hand on her arm and looked at her and told her how sorry I was to hear that as I had also lost a baby to stillbirth and it was a pain that I could relate to.

How does a parent maintain composure as they know their child's life is ending? At that moment in time I couldn't even conceive of experiencing and surviving such a thing.

She thanked me for listening as she shared her son's all too brief life story and explained that all they could do at that point was provide him with comfort measures and hope for the best. The only thing which may prolong his life was if another family lost their baby and donated the necessary tiny lungs to another family in need.

I walked away with tears and just felt such an incredibly overwhelming sense of sorrow and heartache for this woman. Thoughts of her and her baby stayed with me over those next several days, weeks, months, and even years. Every time I hear the words 'Cystic Fibrosis', this woman and her beautiful son instantly appear in my mind.

Despite the sadness which she was experiencing, she was still able to smile and truly appreciate that I had stopped and allowed her to speak with me. She said most people just keep on walking and go about their day. She just needed someone to listen, show compassion and empathy, and provide that little bit of comfort in that moment.

This link gives hope for the future for many families that are struggling to survive with Cystic Fibrosis. Click here for more personal stories of hopes, dreams, and determination.

As we are in the midst of our holiday season, please remember all those that are spending their holidays in hospitals around the world, watching their loved ones slip away.

What can you do? Consider the generous, self-less gift of organ donation to help another family in need.

Life----it's in you to give.

Drop-side Cribs to be Banned in U.S.

2010-12-16T01:23:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/USCPSC

The above link will take you to the Consumer Product Safety Commission's Youtube website where they have a vast selection of videos that I highly recommend that everyone take the time to watch. If you are an expecting parent, babysitter, hands-on Grandparent, or just interested in safety and babies in general----then please, please, please----pour a cup of tea, sit down, and watch a few of these. It could truly mean the difference between life or death...or serious harm.

The bottom line is that most of this can be prevented by taking the proper precautionary measures and not cut corners because you are in a rush. You just may regret those moments that you can never undo.

CBC News message posted December 15th, 2010

The following is an exert from this post:

The U.S. government is outlawing drop-side cribs after the deaths of more than 30 infants and toddlers in the past decade.
The Consumer Product Safety Commission has voted unanimously to ban the manufacture, sale and re-sale of the cribs, which have a side rail that moves up and down, allowing parents to more easily lift their child from the crib.
Around for decades, drop-side cribs have come under scrutiny in recent years because of malfunctioning hardware, sometimes cheaper plastics, or assembly problems that can lead to the drop-side rail partially detaching from the crib.
When that happens, it can create a dangerous "V"-like gap between the mattress and side rail where a baby can get caught and suffocate or strangle.
On Tuesday, a consumer safety bill passed in Parliament in Ottawa. When it comes into force in the next few months, the federal government will be able to order the recall of unsafe goods such as drop-side cribs.
Currently, the Canadian government can only request a voluntary recall from manufacturers or distributors.
© The Canadian Press, 2010

~My two cents~~There will always be those that want to criticize about the 'new' parenting advice and will say things like---"oh, how did any of us survive with those cribs? my gramma told me she slept in a basket or a dresser drawer".....bla bla bla.....You get the hint!

Well, be as judgmental, defensive, or snide as you want to be, but let me say this. I have given birth to 6 sons and only one of them is currently healthy.

~Now please bear with me while I share a bit about my own experiences. I can honestly say that I have faced the odds and struggled with a lot of things that were completely out of my hands to prevent. (Stepping on my soapbox now!)

My eldest son was struck by a truck when he was 4---(and no, he wasn't in my care when it happened but that's besides the point)---my second and fifth sons have a rare blood disease (2nd son had his spleen and gallbladder removed due to this)---my third son was stillborn---my fourth son was born healthy and still is----(I count my blessings each and every day)----and my 6th (last) child was born with Trisomy 13 and passed away at 8 days of age. I also lost my husband, marriage, business, and future family life due to my (ex) husband's brain injury while on duty as a firefighter on December 19th, 2002. He did not pass away, but he will never be the same man I married.

I do not play the lotto because life is a big enough gamble already and I truly just feel grateful enough to be able to sit here and write this with my sensibilities still intact!

The moral of this story----don't take risks when we know what may happen. I cannot turn back the hands of time, and would rather look ahead and feel confident with the smart choices that I have made when it comes to family safety, than have to live with a future regretting the educated decisions that I chose to ignore because I thought "it could never happen to me". Please, don't be that person. If it happened to me, or it happened to someone else---it can happen to you or to someone you know.

Arm yourself-----be safe. Most of all.....be happy.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all this holiday season and every day.

~Hats of Hope ~ Project 150~

2010-11-15T16:48:00.001-05:00

http://twomomsltd.blogspot.com/2010/10/hats-of-hope-project-150.html

~The following statement is an exert from the above blog:

"Approximately 150 Kentucky kids are diagnosed with cancer each year. Kentucky children have a greater proportion of new solid malignancy cancer cases than anywhere else in the United States."
~ UK Pediatric Research Institute

What is "Project 150" you may ask? Project 150 was inspired by a compassionate little girl named Jesse, who was named after her mother's childhood friend who sadly passed away from cancer. Jesse's mother discusses how she read the above quote to her 5 year old daughter, and Jesse's response was that she wanted to be able to knit and provide hats to kids with cancer by Thanksgiving because

"that's when it will be getting too cold to not have one if you are bald." ~ Jesse, 5yrs old.

This website explains that in the year of 2010, the average cost of cancer care for one child patient is approximately $36, 800, so Jesse would also like to try and raise enough money to help these families that so greatly require this financial assistance.

"Two Moms is now selling Children's Cancer Awareness Ribbons on our etsy store to help reach our $36,800 goal! Come check them out now! 100% of sale price will go right to Project 150!" ~ Aura, mom of Jesse

http://www.etsy.com/listing/60704482/hats-of-hope-childrens-cancer-awareness

http://www.etsy.com/listing/60704482/hats-of-hope-childrens-cancer-awareness

For more information, please click on the links provided. Feel free to share this information with others to help raise Awareness, and help these families.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings,
Melissa xxoo

"In addition, to reach our 150 Hat goal, we are offering free hat making parties to anyone who might be interested in learning how to make the hats, with the only caveat being that everyone in the party donate the first hat they make to the project. We are also accepting knit and crocheted hats from anyone who is willing to send them to us!

(all hat donations can be sent to: Project 150 C/O Jesse Paige, 191 Baybrook Circle, Nicholasville, KY. 40356.)

~♥ ♥ TODAY WE REMEMBER UNITED, EVERY DAY WE REMEMBER IN OUR HEARTS ♥ ♥ ~

2010-10-17T17:10:00.003-04:00

~October 15th is a monumental day for families like mine, for it's the ONE day all year that we are recognized and given permission to mourn openly and remember our beloved ^Angel^Babies.

This is monumental as much of society still perpetuates the old way of thinking, instilling the Taboo Silence of Infant Loss. A mother never forgets the day a child is born, regardless of the duration of that pregnancy, or newborn's life.

All that we ask is that you all try to imagine what we've gone through, and understand with compassion that we are doing our very best to strive and survive through the greatest heartache imaginable.

It is a loss of hopes and dreams of future days spent cuddling as we watch our children learn and grow.

Be gentle with us, as we are with you, for we also understand that it's so very difficult for you to deal with our grief.

Once a year on this date, families around the world unite and remember their angel-babies in a variety of ways.

http://www.october15th.com/

Many others, like myself, will release balloons in Loving Memory of our Angel Babies.

In conjunction with Project Sweet Peas, and their balloon release event, I too released balloons to the babies of the families that sent in their requests. I released balloons for 87 babies on my list; together Project Sweet Peas as a whole released balloons for over 400 little lives lost too soon.

My second angel-baby Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29, and grew his tiny wings 8 days later on Good Friday, April 6th, 2007 at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, Ontario

My first angel, Noah-Alexander, was born with wings on August 6th, 1999

Tristan, Tanner, Mason, & Rheanne were there to help honour the memory of their beloved siblings

My boys and I ready to release the balloons!

Up, up, & away.....*photo courtesy of my boys as I was cutting the ties!

On behalf of Nimkee Blessings, I want to wish all families of ^Angels^ peace and comfort in your hearts, knowing that we all remember with you. I wish you strength to get through the difficult moments as they inevitably come, and courage to face another day. Set small goals, and don't fight the feelings. Get through today.......then do it again tomorrow. Be gentle with yourself.

~Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all~

~ ♥ ♥ Today, we remember united; Every day we remember in our hearts ♥ ♥ ~

~1 candle for Noah-Alexander, 1 candle for Bennett-Chadlen, 1 candle for all~

~LaBelleDame.com~Jewelry to nurture and support the spirit~

2010-10-03T00:34:00.005-04:00

~the following links are to a wonderful website which provides beautiful keepsake jewelry for mothers, grandmothers, aunts.....and also offer cards and links to support resources.

For every purchase made by following one of these links, I will receive a 15% discount which I am planning to put towards the purchase of items for recipients of my Nimkee-Blessings Memorial gift bags for families with newborns at the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) of Toronto, Sick Kids Hospital.

Thanks in advance~Melissa Roy, project leader for Nimkee Blessings

Miscarriage and Infant Loss Memorial Jewelry:

Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a child lost in miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving parent after the loss of a baby.

Fertility Jewelry:

Pregnancy Jewelry:

Memorial Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate the life of a loved one. Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols to help support the grieving process, and life after loss.

Fertility Jewelry - Each piece is created using carefully selected symbols and gemstones to help support the couple who is trying to conceive. Sensitive pieces make wonderful gifts for those who must walk a longer road to get the baby they dream of.

Pregnancy and Birth Jewelry -Customised jewelry to celebrate and support your pregnancy and birth. Created using carefully selected gemstones and symbols to honour this exciting time!

Pet Memorial Jewelry - Pet Loss - Cat and Dog Sympathy Gifts
Pet memorial jewelry created to keep your cat and dog's memory close after the loss of a pet. Touching pet loss sympathy gifts. Free online pet memorials

~CLAIRE'S HOPE~

2010-09-21T16:50:00.001-04:00

http://www.claireshope.com/

~Claire's Hope is a beautiful website created in Loving Memory of a little girl named Claire Hope Cox. Like Bennett-Chadlen (prenatally diagnosed with Trisomy 13), Claire was born with a rare chromosomal syndrome called Trisomy 18, or Edward's Syndrome. Despite her poor prenatal diagnosis, her parents welcomed her into their waiting arms, and continue to feel blessed for the gift that Claire is in their lives.

Claire's family has created not only this beautiful website, but also a real place where families can go to remember and memorialize the lives of their own babies who left this world all too soon.

Claire's Hope, and Hope's Corner, are located in Mobile, Alabama, in the halls of a 3-story building which used to house an abortion clinic.

(taken from the website)

-"On November 28, 2008, Hope’s Corner was opened to the public as a memorial, a museum, a tribute and a place where women, couples and families affected by crisis pregnancies can get the information they need to honor the sanctity of human life."

Like me, Claire's family does not judge or scorn a parent's decisions regarding the lives of their unborn children. We all have heartbreaking choices to make, and everyone is welcome to pay tribute to their loved ones amongst the halls of Hope's Corner---whether it be on the "Wall of Forgiveness", the "Children's Garden", or "The Virtual Wall".

"Claire’s Hope is your sanctuary and you are always welcome and will always be uplifted here."

~HALO SLEEPSACK~

2010-09-12T14:18:00.004-04:00

Every now and again I stumble upon something too amazing to keep to myself. This company is one of those! They manufacture wearable sleeping bags for your baby, which not only keeps them warm as they nap, but also keeps them safe as there are no blankets to gather up around the baby's face.

click here to visit the website for~HALO SLEEPSACK~

The website offers links to safety tips, and info about preventing SIDS. There are HEALTH links, MEDICAL links, where to purchase links----check it out!

I have a very dear friend that lost her 6 month old daughter to this devastating syndrome. For those of you that don't know what SIDS stands for, it means "SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME"---and it happens all too often for unexplainable reasons.

Another heartbreaking story can be found at this LINK.
~exert from the site
"Every year SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and accidental suffocation claim the lives of 5,000 babies. Our founder Bill Schmid and his wife lost their first born to SIDS. From this tragedy, HALO® and its mission were born. For over 15 years we've been creating products that help keep babies sleeping safely and help in the fight against SIDS through education and by donating a portion of every sale to SIDS charities."

If you or someone you know is the parent of a newborn, or about to become a new mother, consider purchasing one of these HALO SLEEPSACKs. It's such a practical and beneficial gift for so many reasons.

If you are a grandparent, or babysitter----please click here for a link to safety info about how to lay the baby down to sleep safely. SAFE SLEEP TIPS They also offer downloaded information that you can print off and keep handy for those times when you aren't around to lay your little one down to rest.

~HALO SLEEPSACKS~ are available at retailers through North America. Click here for a location near you! https://www.halosleep.com/store_locator/

For information about the products available, click on the following link: https://www.halosleep.com/products/

Let's work together to keep our babies safe.

Congratulations to all new parents, or those who are "soon-to-be",

Much Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings to you all,

Melissa

♪♫♪♫♪ ~ INTRODUCING BENNETT ~ ♪♫♪♫♪

2010-08-09T23:19:00.004-04:00

{Brendan, brother to Bennett-Chadlen}

~INTRODUCING BENNETT is a band hailing from Manitoulin Island, Ontario, Canada. What started as my eldest son's solitary project in 'Loving Memory' of his youngest brother, BENNETT-CHADLEN, is now a full-fledged band guaranteed to entertain any crowd.

Recent News:

~**~NIMKEE BLESSINGS & INTRODUCING BENNETT~**~will be hosting a
benefit concert at Gordon's Park Eco-Resort on beautiful Manitoulin
Island...SUNDAY, SEPT 5th! We will have lots of great entertainment for
young and old alike, & fun things for the kiddies to do!

~ALL PROCEEDS go towards helping families with babies in the SICK KIDS HOSPITAL NICU in Toronto, Ontario. More info available on facebook at this link:

~Nimkee Blessings~facebook event info

~Introducing Bennett appeared at the 3rd Annual Crystal Shawanda Homecoming concert in Wikwemikong, Manitoulin Island, on July 30th, following Crystal's performance. They've been invited back, so come on out next year and watch them play!!

~Brendan and Jay entering the concert grounds~

~on-stage at the Crystal Shawanda Homecoming Concert~

{Pete Jones ~ lead vox}

{Jason Girdwood ~ drummer, vocals}

{Hercules ~ mascot extraordinaire, belongs to Tedd Peltier ~ Bass player}

Just another day in paradise!

Brendan, big brother to Bennett-Chadlen

Lost in a sea of green, but making good time ~ love the paddles guys!

"Introducing Bennett"

~4-piece power-house from Manitoulin Island, "Introducing Bennett" brings the noise of your favourite modern day tunes and old alike.

~Currently working on originals, soon to be released at the Nimkee Blessings concert! Come on out and witness the grand unveiling of some guaranteed hits, by some very talented lads! :O)

Peter Jones - Lead Vox

Brendan Pinand - Guitar, Vox

Tedd Peltier - Bass, Vox

Jason Girdwood - Percussion, Vox

Contact Info:

Email: introducingbennett@hotmail.com

Office: (705) 368-3579 or (705) 370-1583

Websites:

~If you have facebook, join up through these 2 links, share with friends, keep up on all the latest happenings, new vids, & cool pics!

~become a FAN of Introducing Bennett on facebook by clicking this link.

~Click here to join Introducing Bennett's facebook GROUP!

~If you have a youtube account, subscribe and keep up-to-date on all new uploads!

http://youtube.com/introducingbennett

~If you have myspace, send a friend request, keep in touch with up-to-date announcements, new songs, and just a lot of cool stuff!

http://myspace.com/introducingbennett

*photos courtesy of Moi & the lovely Sophie J*

~PROJECT SWEET PEAS featured on Good Morning America!!

2010-07-28T13:50:00.004-04:00

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Refresh/video/pepsi-refresh-winner-project-sweet-peas-11257915

~On the morning of Tuesday, July 27th, ABC network's Good

Morning America show did a feature story on Project Sweet Peas

In the month of April, Pepsi Refresh gave away $25,000 to Project Sweet Peas for our

worthy mission to help families with babies in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit

(NICU) at various hospitals. Our goal is to be able to provide gift bags containing comfort and support items to

the many families that have a sick baby in the hospital, instead of at home in their loving arms.

Project Sweet Peas is an organization made up of several families that have been through the NICU experience, and sadly, many families like my own--have lost our babies to various illnesses or birth defects.

Because we know what it feels like, we are extending our comfort and support to others, so that we may be able to touch their lives and let them know that they are not alone in this very difficult, healing journey.

Project Sweet Peas specializes each bag for a boy--or a girl--and will also customize the various bags by holiday seasons, short-term or long-term NICU stays, and Memorial bags for those babies that grow their wings much too soon.

If you have any questions, or would like to donate, or request a bag for a loved one, please contact me here, or email me at melissa@projectsweetpeas.com

Help spread the word about my project NIMKEE BLESSINGS, by joining my facebook page at this link: http://www.facebook.com/NIMKEE.BLESSINGS

~Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings from my family, to yours,

Melissa xxoo

*More information may be found by following the various embedded links in this post*

**All proceeds from NIMKEE BLESSINGS will be donated to The Hospital for Sick Children, aka Sick Kids Hospital, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

~Reflections of our Final Day~

2010-07-26T15:52:00.004-04:00

~Words cannot describe the searing, heart-clutching pain that a parent feels in their chest the very moment that their baby has been 'pronounced'.

"I'm very sorry, but he's gone......."

How do you take another breath, knowing your beloved has just taken his last? How can you fathom a future without this little

person by your side, sharing first smiles, sloppy kisses, and giggles galore?

One can't help but wonder "what do I do now? How will I get through this...."

The entire day was just a blur, with moments of vivid memories. I look back at our photographs taken during that final afternoon. The photographer's lens captured those heart wrenching images as we had to do the unthinkable.

"How do you say farewell, when you've just held this tiny little being in your arms for the very first time since he entered this world, outside your womb?"

I remember walking out of the hospital that night, with empty arms. I hadn't taken a single breath of outdoor air in more than a week, since the day I entered the hospital to give birth 9 days earlier. I stayed by Bennett-Chadlen's bedside night and day, never wanting to be too far away in case the worst should suddenly occur. I wanted to be right there with him should they need to page me.

I stepped outside and took in a huge breath, and held it for a few moments. I could not believe what was happening.

"It's not supposed to be this way".

I was clutching a stuffed bunny in place of him, an Easter gift to Bennett-Chadlen from his brothers.

In the days and weeks that followed I was able to look at the photos and feetprints,

I cherish the hand and foot moulds that were made with my hands, and the hands of Nimkee's siblings.

All of these items make him 'real'.

I cannot hold his hand again, but I can see his tiny fingers and feet....a lock of his hair....his gold embossed feetprints with the 6 gorgeous toes....all thanks to the little things that were done for us before we left the hospital.

~ Gzaagin Nimkee ~ We love you ~ Forever in our hearts ~ Tattooed on my soul ~

~PROJECT SWEET PEAS on GOOD MORNING AMERICA!

2010-07-26T14:18:00.004-04:00

~I am very ecstatic and proud to announce that tomorrow, Tuesday, July 27th, between 7-9am, PROJECT SWEET PEAS will be featured on ABC's daily news program Good Morning America!!

Each month Pepsi Refresh is giving away $1 million to various winners of their grant contest. The winning recipients are featured on Good Morning America to help bring awareness to their chosen projects.

For more information on Pepsi Refresh & Project Sweet Peas, please click HERE.

Stayed tune for more information coming tomorrow following Project Sweet Peas debut!

Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings, from our family to yours xxoo

~FIRST NIMKEE BLESSINGS FUNDRAISER~

2010-07-24T19:42:00.005-04:00

~Today was my first official fundraiser for my *~*NIMKEE BLESSINGS*~* Project Sweet Peas project. I have to say without a doubt that doing this in honour and memory of my sweet boy Bennett-Chadlen really did wonders for my grieving/healing heart.

I could feel his presence surrounding us today as I shared all about him, Project Sweet Peas, and our mission to help provide comfort and support items to other families with babies in the NICU, to let them know that they're not alone. All of the project leaders with this wonderful, compassionate organization know what it's like to have a child born under extraordinary circumstances. We come from a background of 'hands-on' knowledge of what it feels like to see your newborn child rushed into the NICU, instead of being placed into your waiting arms.

I held an impromptu yardsale/fundraiser to help me to purchase the items for my gift-bags which will be donated to the families in the Hospital for Sick Children NICU. This is where Bennett-Chadlen lived his entire 8 days.

I wanted my son's legacy to live on through my desire to comfort grieving families, and hope to create a 'ripple effect' that shall shine on through my children's lives as well. Bennett-Chadlen is with us always, and we aim to do him proud.

For more information about Nimkee Blessings, or Project Sweet Peas, feel free to check out the links provided above, or contact me here and I'll get back to you asap.

If you, or someone you know would like to donate items for me to sell for my fundraiser, please feel free to drop them off, or I can arrange for pick-up if need be.

Gchi-miigwech to all of you that have provided us with so much love, comfort, and prayers of peace and strength as we make our way through this healing journey.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings to you and yours,

Melissa & family

~NIMKEE BLESSINGS LOGO REVEALED!

2010-06-16T20:55:00.004-04:00

I am proud to say that I completed this logo and it came out exactly how I had pictured it in my mind. I did have a little bit of help colouring in the halo from my friend Denise because I had never made any form of graphic image before and I had no idea what I was doing!! Thanks Denise!

Now I am ready to get started on the business end of things and plan my fundraiser to purchase or receive donations of items which are needed and much appreciated! For further information you may reply by comment here, or email me at melissa@projectsweetpeas.com

More information about Project Sweet Peas may be found at this link:
http://projectsweetpeas.com/default.aspx

Nimkee's story may be found here:
http://projectsweetpeas.com/NimkeeBlessings.aspx

If you are on facebook you may become a fan of my page at this link:
http://www.facebook.com/NIMKEE.BLESSINGS

I look forward to hearing from you. Feedback is welcome!!!

Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings,
Melissa xxoo

~NIMKEE BLESSINGS~ Project Sweet Peas

2010-05-05T09:06:00.003-04:00

~I wrote the following for my Project Sweet Peas webpage. Here is my story, and I'll share about Project Sweet Peas in another post, because it deserves it! More about Project Sweet Peas can be found in the links along the top of the page on my Nimkee Blessings webpage.

"In July 2006, I found out that I was unexpectedly expecting. I was scared, nervous, but elated and hopeful that this pregnancy would mean great things for me and my family. I embraced this new life that was growing inside of me, looking forward to our future together. I imagined what the next summer would be like with a new baby here. I pictured the next mother’s day with a little one in my arms. My boys were happy and excited….life was good.

I called my midwife and arranged to begin my prenatal journey as healthy as possible. One day she was here to draw some blood for regular prenatal tests and she asked if I would like her to draw a little bit extra to send away for a ‘maternal serum test’. I had never opted for this in the past, but this time I said, “Sure, go for it, it will give me one less thing to worry about.”

Several years ago in August of 1999, I delivered a stillborn son named Noah-Alexander. I already had 2 sons, and I went on to plan 2 more pregnancies after his birth. Each pregnancy was very nerve-wracking for obvious reasons, and every day of those subsequent pregnancies was a joy, and a struggle, and resulted in 2 more healthy sons. I told myself that lightning won’t strike twice and tried to relax and enjoy this new journey.

I remember the day that my midwife phoned to let me know she had some results for me. She stopped by to explain to me that there was a 1:8 chance of my baby having Trisomy 18. I had never heard of it. She told me it’s a chromosomal abnormality and that she had made me an appointment with a genetic counselor in the city nearly 2 hrs away. I attended that appointment and was told what Trisomy 18 is, and was offered termination, and/or a chance to have an amniocentesis performed. I opted for the amnio to find out for sure what we were possibly dealing with. I could not envision myself spending the duration of the pregnancy wondering what might happen.

I went to Toronto, nearly 8 hrs south of here, to North York General Hospital to have the amnio performed. I was frightened about the risks, but everything went fine. 3 days later I received the preliminary FISH (fluorescencein situ hybridization) test results which indicated that Trisomy 13 was detected in his cell sample. The final results came back a couple of weeks later and told me that I was expecting another son, and he did indeed have Full Trisomy 13, aka Patau Syndrome, in EVERY single cell of his entire body, meaning he had 3 copies of the 13^th chromosome instead of just the 2 that he should have received—one from his father, one from myself.

More information about Trisomy 13 and Bennett-Chadlen can be found here at this site: http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/MemoriesOfBennett.htm

I chose to embrace my son’s diagnosis and give him as much love and comfort as I could during our time together. I was told that he may be premature, stillborn before Christmas, and I was very frightened as I remembered what I went through with Noah-Alexander so many years ago. This time I was prepared and decided to preplan his funeral arrangements in the event that it should occur suddenly. I wanted to be able to give him the type of service that I hadn’t been able to give to Noah. I knew that when or if it should happen, that I would be recovering from childbirth, and grieving, possibly unable to think clearly and plan as thoroughly as I would like to. I didn’t want to have any regrets.

I travelled to Toronto once again to have level II ultrasounds, and fetal echocardiograms to see if any birth defects could be detected. The doctors had noted the possibility of a non-severe Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. I requested to have a Fetal MRI to see what we were dealing with. He had no organs up in his chest and his lungs developed normally, which was great news! These CDH babies do require immediate intubation at birth so that they don’t cry and possibly swallow air which could cause the internal organs and intestines to swell up and make it more difficult to fit everything back in place during the surgical repair. They were unable to see clearly if there was indeed a CDH, but we prepared for that just in case.

I made arrangements to have the remainder of my prenatal appointments in Toronto at Mount Sinai Hospital, and Bennett-Chadlen would be transferred across the road and treated at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29^th, 2007, 2 days overdue. He was very alert and responsive following birth and intubation and did not require the paralyzing sedatives because he was not fighting the ventilator. When I was able to see him for the first time, I spoke his name and he turned his head to look at me. He heard me and knew I was there! It was the most amazing feeling in the world. My friend quickly snapped a photo of him looking right at me, and another one looking at her because he saw the flash of the camera. I cherish these photos more than words can express.

The surgeon came over to Mount Sinai to see him and told us the wonderful news that he appeared to be doing very well and may not require the surgical repair. He said he was transferring him to do further tests, and would be able to extubate Bennett-Chadlen if the hernia was not detected.

The next time I saw my boy later in the day, he was unresponsive and on full life-support. He fought hard and lived his life in 8 days, passing away due to unexpected complications on Good Friday, April 6^th, 2007. Easter is always a period of remembrance, as well as his birth and angel dates.

We miss him very much, and are very happy that we had the chance to hold him and sing to him as he passed away in our arms, surrounded by his siblings, family, and dear friends.

We had a chance to have a prenatal photo shoot taken by photographer Heather Renee Morgan of Lifespark.ca, and she also did a photo shoot while he was in the NICU. On his final day we had a photographer come from a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and he took photos of all of us surrounding Nimkee with unconditional love. I highly recommend that all new mothers-to-be of babies who have been prenatally diagnosed with any type of possible complication should be sure and get these photo mementos to hold onto. I have made my photos into video montages, and display Bennett-Chadlen’s keepsakes in my home so others can know he is still very real to us.

I want to be able to reach out and give love, comfort, and support to others as they to endure the difficult NICU days. It’s difficult to prepare for such an emotionally charged period, but we will strive to do our best to provide others with things that will help make the NICU experience a little more positive, comfortable and memorable.

We will also make available some Bennett Blankets and Bennett Bunnies to give as sibling gifts. My boys have these and they sleep with them every night, drifting off to sleep cuddled in their baby brother’s “hugs”."

Much love, peace, and Nimkee blessings to you and yours……Melissa & family

~When A Baby Dies~

2010-05-03T15:01:00.002-04:00

~Here is a 5 minute and 29 second glimpse into my world....and hearts of so many mothers (& fathers) like me. No matter how long it's been, we all still have our days where we remember precisely all of those unspoken emotions....and somehow have to learn how to go on. Do you REALLY want to know how we're doing?---watch this and you'll see ♥ Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings to all who remember ♥ xxoo

~JOSIAH'S JOURNEY~

2010-04-16T17:07:00.007-04:00

~As many of you know, my son Bennett-Chadlen was born with a rare chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 13, aka Patau Syndrome. The following is a fundraising effort in Memory of Josiah, another Trisomy ^Angel^. Please click the following link, and learn more about this wonderful family, and their beautiful son Josiah. Help them, to help others. Families like theirs, and mine, will be eternally grateful for your thoughtful donations.

With Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings.....Gchi-miigwech ~ Big Thanks ♥

http://www.josiahsjourney.ca/

http://www.prayingforjosiah.blogspot.com/

~The following is taken from Josiah's website:

"Welcome to Josiah's Journey!

Josiah's Journey is a charitable fundraiser in memory of Josiah Morash who died on July 28th from a rare genetic disorder known asTrisomy 13 or Patau's syndrome.

Proceeds from Josiah's Journey support the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at St. Joseph's Hospital in London, Ontario.

As a result of this diagnosis, Josiah was given only a 3% chance of surviving the pregnancy. Beating incredible odds, Josiah grew close to full term and was born alive. Due to the many complications of Trisomy 13, Josiah also died this very same day - his birth day.
Josiah's life was the Greatest Blessing to our family. He brought more love, joy and faith to our lives than we could have ever imagined. Please join us as we continue with Josiah's legacy - a precious little red-headed boy whose spirit was filled with courage. Let us always remember Josiah as we reach out to help other families in need of neonatal intensive care."

FACES OF TRISOMY

2010-03-22T22:13:00.002-04:00

~FACES OF TRISOMY~(click here for link to website)

~As we near the end of MARCH, which is also TRISOMY AWARENESS MONTH, I'd like to share this beautiful video montage with you. Please watch it with compassion in your hearts, and know the unconditional love that we Trisomy parents feel for our children.

Bennett-Chadlen was born with Trisomy 13. His 3rd birthday is approaching in a week's time, March 29. My heart is heavy with the pain of his loss, but these images give me HOPE that we are entering into a world where these children will be widely accepted, and parents will be understood. We cherished the gift, the blessing, that our beloved children are to us. Nimkee's spirit is alive and well in our home, and in our hearts forever.

~Much Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings to you and yours......Melissa xxoo

Here is what the photographer shared on the Hope for Trisomy 13 & 18 site:

"Faces Of Trisomy by Jude Wolpert

March is Trisomy Awareness month. I photographed this series of portraits at the SOFT (Support for Families with Trisomy 18, 13 and Related Disorders) conference in Roanoke, Virginia during July 2009. I am trying to raise awareness that while only 10% of these kids survive their first year the ones that do live a rich life. Expectant parents are often told that Trisomy is incompatible with life and I am trying to share their unique beauty through these digital images. These children and young adults do not pose for photographs but can be captured being themselves, living in the moment. Most are non-verbal so I see it as an honor to help tell their stories visually."

~TRISOMY 13 AWARENESS VIDEO~

2010-03-18T18:38:00.003-04:00

~THIS is a beautiful video created by a friend and fellow Trisomy 13 Mommy---Micayla, Mommy to Angel Faith. Please watch and share with others, so that everyone can see the true face of Trisomy 13.

Sadly, many never hear of Trisomy 13, aka Patau Syndrome, until their own prenatal diagnosis. Trisomy and nature do not discriminate. There is currently no way to prevent this, nor is there a cure. Quite often, Trisomy 13 is not diagnosed prenatally until half-way through the pregnancy---as is what occurred with my own prenatal journey with Bennett-Chadlen.

We formed a bond with our sweet boy and then the devastating prognosis was delivered. I have to say that despite the fact that I knew his time here on Earth may be short, I looked forward to every prenatal visit. I cherish the memory of each peak we had by ultra-sound, and I remember the sound of his heart beating inside of me. The birth of my son Nimkee was one of the most amazing days of my life.

As you will see in this video montage, many families love and treasure the time that they have received with their little ones.

Many children are continuing to thrive, and you may see some of their beautiful, smiling faces here!

Much Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings to all, especially our special Trisomy families....XXOO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE0IVJjPidM

~Highlighting CDH ~ Denise's quilt

2010-03-15T17:22:00.005-04:00

http://www.freewebs.com/angelryandesigns/cdhquilt.htm

~My friend Denise made this beautiful quilt in Honour & Memory of all of our dear CDH* babies who were born affected by this devastating birth defect. More information can be found at the links on the lower right of this page.

{*CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA}

~Here is another graphic design made by Denise to help spread awareness for CDH.

~Sending lots of Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings to all families who lives have been affected by Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia.....xxoo

~THANKS DENISE! Remembering Angel Ryan & Angel Jesse always......(((HUGS)))

~BENNETT~CHADLEN~*~NICU DAYS~

2010-03-10T22:16:00.002-05:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~photos courtesy of Lifespark Photography, http://lifespark.ca , Heather Renee Morgan.

~These pics were taken during Bennett-Chadlen's stay in the NICU at The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

~Much love and Nimkee blessings to those who understood and accepted our unconditional love and pure desire to have Bennett-Chadlen in our lives for as long as possible. Our lives have been forever touched by this beautiful, courageous soul.

~Gzaagin Nimkee, Baamaapii Gawaabmin, Until We Meet Again xxoo

~KIERNAN'S KINDNESS

2010-02-09T14:01:00.003-05:00

~This is a project which is part of a larger group of dedicated Mom's whose lives have been touched by their own NICU--"Neonatal Intensive Care Unit" experience.

Julie is a dear friend and is Kiernan's mother. Kiernan is a CDH (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia) survivor, as well as a boy whose life is also affected by Klinefelter's Syndrome. Information about CDH and KLINEFELTER'S SYNDROME can be found in the links list to the right of the page.

Please take a glimpse into the heart of this amazing family and keep them in your thoughts and prayers. If you'd like more information about Kiernan's Kindness and Project Sweet Pea, I will be pleased to put you in touch with someone who may be near you so that you may donate some much needed and appreciated items to the NICU families.

Any help and prayers will be greatly appreciated!

Love, Peace, and Nimkee blessings to you all! xxoo

ps...the following is a link to Kiernan's Kindness on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Kiernans-Kindness/289465826669?ref=ts

Here is a link to Project Sweet Pea on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Project-Sweet-Pea/207741713641?ref=ts

Here is the link to Project Sweet Pea's website:

http://projectsweetpeas.com/

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~NOAH-ALEXANDER GOLDER~

2009-08-06T11:10:00.003-04:00

~10 years ago today, Noah-Alexander came silently into this world. I don't have words to explain how this feels, but I'm going to share him today, which is something I haven't felt comfortable enough to do in years past.

I have this blog for his baby brother Bennett-Chadlen "Nimkee"-----because there was no denying his existence in our lives. Noah's story is a bit different.

I remember being apprehensive about becoming unexpectedly pregnant, Tristan wasn't quite a year old yet and I knew that some would be compelled to tell me what a stupid idea it was. My husband and I wanted to have 4 children together, but our financial situation wasn't good at this particular time. We also had an older son Brendan who was 12.

The day I told my husband that I thought I might be pregnant, he didn't waste a second going to the pharmacy to buy a test for me to take. A few minutes passed, and sure enough----POSITIVE! I came out and handed it to him in tears. He smiled at me and gave me a big hug and told me everything was going to be ok.......then he left!!! I couldn't believe he left me there stunned, knowing I was feeling so apprehensive about it all. He said he'd return in a few minutes.

He took the kids with him to give me a little bit of space. A short while later they returned with a dozen roses and a nice card, letting me know how happy they were that we were going to become a bigger family.

I didn't share the news with anyone else until I couldn't hide it any longer.

Skip ahead a few months------

I remember my mother asking me if I was feeling ok? I told her I was fine, I was just really scared about this pregnancy. She told me I should really try and allow myself to enjoy it because it was something that wasn't going to go away. I didn't want him to go away, but there was just something that was nagging at me. I felt different, like I knew something wasn't right.

Haweater Weekend (which we just celebrated last weekend) came around. Michael decided we should begin our home reno's which we had planned when we purchased the house before Christmas. He and Brendan wasted no time in swinging the sledgehammer and taking down a couple of walls. What a mess!!!!

I kept Tristan away from the mess......and we went to bed that night completely exhausted.

That night I dreamt that something was wrong with my precious cargo. I woke up crying and Michael asked me if I was ok. I told him about my dream, cried some more while he comforted me....and then I got up to start the day. It wasn't long before I felt a slight bit of cramping, etc. I had my husband take me to the ER. They told me it was probably nothing, but decided to do an ultrasound and take a look.

We were excited to see him, but a little nervous too. Never did we think we would find out he had already left us. We saw his tiny feet, and his hands and fingers----his face----everything seemed fine. We were smiling as the tech showed us all of his parts. THEN came time to check for his heartbeat. She tried, asked me to go to the washroom and try again. She tried again.....told me to completely empty my bladder this time. Still nothing. She then decided to try internally----then suddenly she turned off the monitor and told me someone would be right there to speak to us. She left the room very quickly. I was in tears, I already knew.

I was wheeled back down to the ER and the doc there told me to go home and save whatever passes in a baggy. Looking back I don't know how he could be so heartless and non-chalant about it. He wasn't one of the regular docs here, he was a young replacement for the docs who were taking summer holidays.

I was in complete shock. I couldn't think straight, all I wanted was to be in a private place where I could grieve without anyone looking at me, or hearing me. I just wanted to get home and give Tristan a great big hug. I didn't question his poor advice, I just came home and told my grandparents who were here babysitting, and I quickly scurried to bed.

By day 3 the shock began wearing off. Late that night I told my husband I didn't think it was wise for us to possibly deliver a baby at home alone, what if something went wrong?? And I certainly couldn't fathom placing him in a plastic bag and bringing the remains to the hospital. First thing in the morning we returned to the ER and saw a doc whom I knew very well. He was appalled at the advice we were given and gave me a couple of options.

I could be admitted and they'd give me something to induce labour and the nurses would help me through it, OR I could go to the nearest surgical unit on the mainland and have him surgically removed.

I knew that there was NO way I could struggle through labour and not lose my mind completely. I was completely aware of what I might possibly see and I just couldn't do it. Off we went to Sudbury-----I barely remember the trip. I was terrified!

I was prepped for surgery by some nurses who were so busy talking about their upcoming weekend plans they didn't even seem to be aware of why I was there, or what was about to happen. Perhaps it was just their way of not thinking about it????

I did have a couple of very nice "sister's" come by to provide me with some comforting words---I was at a Catholic hospital. I did thank them for their thoughtfulness and told them about the nurses and their lack of compassion. They stayed with me until I was taken into the OR.

The rest of the day is just a blur. I came out of recovery and they told me they didn't recommend that I see him due to decomposure. Because they took him by "dilation & evacuation" (suction which enabled him to come out whole---he was small for dates)---I was able to go home that night if I wanted to......and I wanted to. The trip home was silent.

Over the next couple of days I began to feel horribly ill.....nausea, pain, chills and extreme sweats alternately. I was admitted to the local hospital and treated for a perforated uterus and septic blood poisoning. I wish I could say those were the worst 9 days of my life.....and at that time they were.

The most appalling of all was that I was treated like I had just had surgery for a hangnail. The nurses didn't seem to have any idea what I was in for----until I told them. Finally my husband requested that I be allowed to have my door closed, and they put a note on the outside informing anyone about to enter what had just occurred. I did have one nurse who felt compelled to tell me that I should just consider myself lucky that I already had 2 sons......bc she was never able to conceive. She adopted a boy. I didn't have the strength to say anything......I just looked away towards the window and cried silent tears, and she left.

I came home and everyone acted like nothing had happened. I didn't receive condolence cards, no one said a word.

The day I returned to the hospital for a check-up, one nurse stopped me in the hallway and put her hand on my arm and said gently....."I heard what happened, I'm so sorry for your loss". I tearfully said 'thank you' and tried to summon a smile to show her some appreciation. Her final words were "there must have been something wrong so it's best that it happened this way and he wasn't delivered alive".

I walked away thinking......

Uhm......gee.......ya think?? I wish I'd had the courage to say....."No, what would have been best is if there was nothing wrong, and he was delivered alive and healthy".

I've had many years to reflect back on all of the details and feelings, the lack of support, the ignorance.......and how I felt completely ignored like I had a contagious disease.

The nuns had offered to assist with burial services for Noah. My husband and I attended alone with our son Tristan. No one else came. I am so grateful for their help.

It was a cool and quiet October day. The sky was grey, and the leaves were changing colours and falling. It was the kind of day that seemed as though it had taken its cue from my moods to create the atmosphere around us.

A tiny casket was donated, and services donated as well from a funeral home/director from the city where he was delivered. We had a very touching graveside service and we were allowed to place letters and gifts in a separate box which was buried on top of him. Refreshments and fingerfoods were served in the main building, and it was handled beautifully. I will be eternally grateful to those very thoughtful people.

We stayed until I felt ok enough to leave, and I asked my husband to take me out for dinner. It had been 2 and a half months since his passing and I hadn't yet been out in public since that day it all began on August 6th. I knew my son was finally laid to rest, and all was going to be ok. I knew that the people around us didn't know who we were, or what our story was---it was ok to shed a few tears if I felt the need to.....but I knew I had to put myself back out there in society. Our dinner went well and we returned home after dark.

I've suffered in silence for the last 10 yrs. It's been awkward to speak my son's name because nobody seems to remember him. He went nameless for 9 yrs due to the fact that I didn't have anyone to talk about him with, no one told me it was ok to talk about him, or to give him a proper name....so I just stayed silent.

Following the passing of my other angel Bennett-Chadlen, I decided to allow myself to mention my prior loss. I thought of all of the hurtful things that were said to me and I had no voice to speak how much it hurt.

This time around I decided to share my angels with the world, and hope to be able to help others who also have to walk this path, or know someone who has.

Today I embrace my pain and I'm not ashamed to share it. A mother's heart may heal, but it never, ever forgets.

Rest in peace sweet boys----Mommy loves you.

~BENNETT-CHADLEN'S ANGEL DAY~APRIL 6, 2007

2009-03-27T14:07:00.005-04:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~Breaking the silence of the taboo subject of Infant Loss~

~The background music was written and recorded by Bennett-Chadlen's father, Chadlen. He wrote the guitar portion while he was in the NICU, and this is what our sweet boy heard as he drifted away in our arms.....this montage captures our final moments together. Viewer discretion is advised. I realize that many of you may not understand why a family might want these photos, but they're all we have to hold onto.

~I share this with you.....it's your choice whether you view it or not. Upon viewing, you will understand what we went through....please show compassion to any grieving mothers that you know. Even if you don't have words, a tender touch is enough.

~I'm here to break the silence....so many like me don't have to feel so alone.

~We will never forget, and we want you to always remember.

~Meet Nathan~A Trisomy 13 Survivor

2009-03-19T21:35:00.003-04:00

~Nathan is a beautiful little boy, living with Trisomy 13. He is living proof that this chromosomal condition isn't always "incompatible with life".

Please watch this video, and for more information, check out Nathan's web album at this url: http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/album53.htm

~Thank you Amanda, for allowing me to share your gorgeous wee boy, and his loving, blessed family with so many. XXOO

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~~I HAVE A DREAM~~

2009-03-04T14:28:00.003-05:00

~To All My Very Special Mommy Friends: This song goes out to you, and all of our children. I do believe in angels, and I do have a dream!

~That all of our children shall be viewed as UNIQUE & PRECIOUS, regardless of the package that they come in....regardless of the # of chromosomes or karyotype.

~Please help us in our goal to make the world ~*~INDIFFERENT TO DIFFERENCE~*~for Kiernan & Nimkee.....and all the rest of our special babies, who truly are born closer to God and mere perfection than any of us could ever become...xxoo

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=2392903738

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=66625046322&ref=ts

~A New Year~~endless possibilities!

2009-02-10T15:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Nimkee,
As you know, we have another new year upon us. I cannot believe it has been so long since I last held you in my arms and kissed your softness. I miss you more than words can say, but know that Mommy and your brothers are doing well.

We are still working away here, remembering you in prayer each night, thanking our Creator for his gift of YOU! We feel you with us always, and love that we were so blessed to know you.

As another year unfolds, so does my undying commitment to help others whose lives have been blessed with a special baby like you. You opened up my heart in immeasurable ways, and because of you I am finding my way through this great big world feeling safer and more loved than ever before.

~God is good!

Gchi-miigwech, gzaagin Nimkee..xxoo

Our first kiss........made me cry.......he was 5 days old. I borrowed the photographers stool to reach him.

Almost home.....we love you Bennett-Chadlen

Dear Nimkee.......

2008-12-17T20:10:00.003-05:00

From Jeff's pics

Dear Nimkee,
I cannot believe it has been 2 years already since I learned of your Trisomy 13. I remember silently rocking you in front of the fire, rubbing you and thinking----how can this be? How can this little baby growing inside of me be so ill? Why? I just don't understand!

As I make my way through a second Christmas without you, my heart aches. I miss you so much.

Tonight I went to the Candy Cane Festival with your big brothers and I saw a tiny new baby there. He was dressed in a Santa suit, with the little red hat--trimmed in white fur. I wanted to pick him up and hold him...and remember how good you felt in my arms.

I reached down and touched his tiny fingers, held his tiny hand. I stroked his cheeks, felt his dark, wavy hair which reminded me so much of your own. I saw him open his eyes, just waking from his nap....and remembered seeing you do the same.

I couldn't resist. I had to reach down and kiss him tenderly.....

And all I could think of was you......

Gzaagin Nimkee.....Mommy xxoo

From the Heart of a Parent, another NILMDTS video

2008-12-08T19:22:00.000-05:00

Brendan's Awareness Project for his Baby Brother Nimkee

2008-11-19T17:18:00.004-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/IntroducingBennett

http://www.myspace.com/introducingbennett

My eldest son Brendan began this project during my pregnancy with Bennett-Chadlen following his Trisomy diagnosis. It is his desire to spread Awareness for all special children in the world. Please check out the above links and if you have accounts, leave him a comment of support, or leave one here. I'll be sure he sees it!

I've taken this from Brendan's myspace page:

About Introducing Bennett I started this project in memory of my little brother Bennett-Chadlen who passed away in april 2007 due to a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 13, aka Patau Syndrome, and a non-severe Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. To get info on this and other types of Trisomy and CDH, please visit the following link or visit Bennett-Chadlen's myspace page.

http://my-baby-is-an-angel.blogspot.com/

Hailing from Manitoulin Island, Ontario, Canada, Introducing Bennett delivers dirty, soulful acoustic music to your ears. Now unchained, the young artist of former band Tragedy Ends kicks it off with a whole new sound. Currently working on his new album: Observe, Introducing Bennett will bring a tear to your eye.. please bring Kleenex.

Also check out Introducing Bennett's YOUTUBE channel: http://www.youtube.com/IntroducingBennett

Pray for Ava!

2008-11-08T19:06:00.004-05:00

This post is dedicated in honour of a beautiful little girl named Ava. She is 2 years old, and is a CDH survivor.

5 weeks ago Ava became a very sick little girl. Luckily her very quick thinking and relentless mother wouldn't take NO for an answer....and insisted that x-rays be taken and a diagnosis made. Within hours Ava was airlifted to another hospital where she has remained to this day.

Click here for Ava's blog

On her page you will find loads of inspirational montages, informative links to CDH information.....and lots and lots of endless love!!!!

I love you Ava!

The Bear-ers of Grace

2008-11-08T09:40:00.008-05:00

The Bearers of Grace Foundation is operated by Lise, who is a very dear friend of mine. This project was created in memory of their daughter Grace. The following is an exert from their home page.

More information on Grace's family may be found at the following link, on page 6. Please check it out!

http://www.communityspiritmagazine.com/files/200811.pdf

The Bearers of Grace Foundation provides compassionate caring support as well as a listening ear and heart to a parent or parents who have lost a child. Additionally, it creates opportunities to honor the memory of the child and to share the hope and promise of God’s grace and mercy.

If you or a family member or friend has lost a child, contact Bearers of Grace for caring support. When Bearers of Grace office is notified about the death of a child, they will bring or send a teddy bear so that the mom and dad will have something to hold in their arms. Additionally, they will receive a folder of care, which includes meaningful information to assist them during their time of loss.

Through your donation, Bearers of Grace will provide a teddy bear and folder to give or send to the grieving family. You may choose a scripture or one will be supplied for you.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

2008-11-08T09:13:00.003-05:00

If your unborn child has been diagnosed with a poor prenatal diagnosis, please consider seeking out this organization. I was blessed to have met a wonderful woman who did some prenatal photos for me, as well as during Bennett-Chadlen's time in the NICU.

I also had the opportunity to have a photographer come to the NICU on the day that Bennett-Chadlen grew his tiny, perfect wings. He stayed for hours..........

These photos are so very precious to me for so many reasons. These photographers captured the very essence of my emotions at that place in time.

These photos will provide me with a lifetime of irreplaceable memories......

My photos may be viewed here on this page......to the left.

The following video is a sampling of photographs of other precious babies whose lives were touched by Trisomy, just as Bennett-Chadlen was.

Homesick~Mercy Me

2008-10-30T21:23:00.000-04:00

Blessings in hidden places......

2008-10-07T20:47:00.004-04:00

From Jeff Green pics of Nimkee

This picture speaks a thousand words............
========================================================

Due to some email replies to several people, I was prompted to return and read some of my past posts.

I read about the day I received the possible news of Trisomy 18 from blood results that my midwife had performed. I had never bothered with those tests before that particular day. She was drawing blood for something else and I said....."Hey, what the heck. The needle's already in my arm anyway! Go for it. One less thing to worry about." Heh......what did I know?

Hindsight being what it is......I can't help but think that everything happened just as it was predestined to.

My heart is heavy when I remember those final moments as I rocked him and his father and I sang him to Heaven. I remember with great sorrow those final moments of holding him and kissing him one last time before I laid for his eternal rest in his handmade casket, lovingly crafted by his Uncle Evan. I remember being led away as others paid their last respect, showering him with freshcut daisies before the burial commenced......as the sun went down. How I made it through is beyond me!

Yet, at the same time I look around me and find so much joy that had escaped me prior to this amazing journey of love, loss, grief, and healing. I have learned so much about myself, and so many others too. I surprised myself with my ability to survive with such persistence. I am also surprised by the love and acceptance of my sweet boy by those who I really didn't expect it from.

There was 1 person who I thought would be there no matter what. I was wrong. Although I gave her ample time to reach out and provide me with much needed comfort during those early days of my prenatal diagnosis-----it didn't happen----and still hasn't. I can't say that I have closed the door, for my heart doesn't work that way. When I care, I care for life.......even if that means we never cross paths again in this lifetime. Sadly, there is almost a sense of relief from that obligatory task of always being there---any time of day or night......supporting through the mundane stupidity that was exhibited time and time again. I don't miss that......but wish her success in finding that ever elusive happiness. It's sad what some people take for granted.

I read about the day that I received those amnio results informing me that it wasn't Trisomy 18---but that he had FULL Trisomy 13 instead. I was once again dumbfounded and needed to look for some information about that. I found the Livingwithtrisomy 13 site.....and what inspiration and HOPE I was filled with!! I cannot express enough gratitude for the support that was received during those prenatal months. The Treasured Memories site was also such a godsend to me during those days, weeks, months........even now---since the day my little guy grew his tiny, perfect wings and ascended upon the Spirit World.

I read the entry made the day I visited Nimkee's grave site all alone for the first time. What a day that was. I am shocked by the words that I wrote, for I don't remember them at all. Where did I find the strength and courage in those early days and weeks??

There are still many posts to return to and read..........but I don't have to do it all in one day.

The main point of this post is to say that I much prefer my life POST Nimkee, rather than prior to receiving his blessing upon my soul. I have "met" so many wonderful, compassionate, supportive people along the way. Some I have met in person......some I just know in my heart. Some are others who have travelled this journey before me.....but surprisingly many are not. These men and women are just those who randomly found me on myspace and felt compelled to read my "stuff"--for whatever reason....and decided to extend their well wishes and words of praise and comfort my way.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Bennett-Chadlen......through you I have learned so much. I have grown and developed into this person I barely recognize anymore, but yet I wouldn't change a thing if I could-----except to have you in my arms once again, to smell your sweet skin, feel your breath on my face, gaze into your soulful eyes once more..............

You have expanded my mind, my heart, my soul............in ways that I cannot express through words alone.

My journey with you has allowed me to remember and share your sweet brother who formerly went by Baby Golder....but is now known as Noah-Alexander. I was able to recently name him after 9 yrs!

9 long years I kept him locked away inside of me---like a secret never to be spoken of. How sad and tragic not to be able to share your brother with the world and those around me. You have given him back to me like the true gift that he was, and is----just as you continue to be.

Gzaagin Nimkee.........gzaagin............

Roadblocks of Reality

2008-09-04T12:53:00.007-04:00

I won't lie. I've been having a really difficult time handling my grief.

How do I handle it? By avoiding it. I've gotten quite good at it too.

When I feel the pain coming, from the memories that are always on my mind, I find something to do.

Check some email, reply, read my mail, feed the pets, do some laundry, pull some weeds and plan next year's garden, watch some mindnumbing television show............the list goes on!

The number one distraction has been my boys, and my special friend J. I keep telling myself that Nimkee doesn't want his Mommy to be so sad and not have time for his brothers, and herself.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I paint this false smile on my face and just walk around like everything's fine. I guess I keep hoping that it just will be. Fake it til you make it........or so the saying goes.

It's not easy to do this though. Turning off my emotions has been really difficult and requires a lot of energy. I'm burning out.

I can't even look back at the old blog entries. Reading these evokes the pain from those days. I don't want anymore pain. I've had enough for one lifetime. I know I need to revisit those days and work through them. I experienced the worst pain a mother could ever know, and I survived!

Now it's time to be more than just a survivor. I feel as though I am just spinning my tires, going nowhere. I don't want to just "exist".

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!

My goals in the coming weeks:

Relax and reflect on those painful memories. I know I can do this.......I know I can.

Read all those self-help books I've bought and keep piling up around me like some sort of security blanket. It's money wasted....and I'm worth it. I need to work on me.

Write. I seriously need to start making the time to write a bit each day. I have all these words, thoughts, feelings...spinning around in my head. The inner dialogue can be nauseating at times. I need to get it down!....and I will. I promise.

Tune out the negativity. Unless you've been where I am, you have no idea what is going on inside of me. If you won't, or don't, take the time to listen to me.....you'll always be in the dark. I'm not a puzzle. There's nothing to figure out. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. What's vague about that?

Now, I won't add anymore right now. I don't want to overwhelm myself before I even get started.

Wish me luck!

Love, Peace, & Nimkee blessings to all..........Mxxoo :O)

From Katie....^Angel^ Austin's Mommy

2008-07-29T14:07:00.001-04:00

Thank you so much Katie! It's beautiful.....xxoo :O)

..

..
..

Bennett-Chadlen's 1st Heavenly Birthday pics

2008-04-13T20:02:00.003-04:00

These photos were taken on my little ^Angel^'s 1st Heavenly birthday. It was a beautiful and memorable day that will never be forgotten.

From Beverly.....gchi-miigwech!

2008-04-05T16:08:00.001-04:00

R.I.P Macy- Moo - An inspiration to us all xXx

2008-03-06T17:51:00.006-05:00

When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.

Thank you Micayla & ^Angel^Faith....xxooxxoo

2008-03-06T00:38:00.002-05:00

Ten Thousand Angels by Caedmon's Call

how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you

against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you

so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you

ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you

The New Normal.......what is it???

2008-03-01T20:18:00.007-05:00

Monday, October 22, 2007

The New Normal.......what is it???
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

Well.....it has been a very long time since I have written here......not sure why......but sense it has something to do with "MY NEW NORMAL"

What is this??

Well........Angel Mommies all have to discover this for ourselves.....muddling our way through our days....discovering ways to find a comfort in our skins. Believe me.....it isn't easy.

My skin doesn't fit anymore. It feels tight.....and a bit itchy......especially in places that I cannot reach for myself.....like the middle of the back that no matter what you do....it just isn't reachable.

We can ask someone to "scratch" it for us......but the itch will inevitably come back.....it always does. In different places......sometimes in places we can reach.......but scratching it is only a temporary fix. The "elusive" itch always comes back.

I also liken it to having a "burr under my saddle". Imagine it......it's there. Right on the surface at first...but if you can't get it out.....it just burrows itself deeper into the flesh. Ending up.....Kinda like a sliver.

Often times.....you know the sliver is there.....but you can't see it. At first you dig and dig.....trying to get it out. The "wound" is very raw....the more you pick and dig. It hurts.....sometimes you might cry.....but it doesn't make the invisible irritant go away.

Eventually you just have to ignore it....and hope it festers its way out in time.

Sometimes the discomfort is just on the surface.....like a blister from a mis-fitting pair of shoes. It hurts at first.....but goes away eventually, in a matter of days.

Sometimes the hurt is much deeper than that.

I had my appendix out when I was 10 yrs old. That was many, many years ago.......but the scar will always be there. Visible to the naked eye........but placed in an area that is only visible if I "choose" to reveal it to you.

The fact of the matter is this..........

I live with an ever-changing pain and discomfort that will never, ever go away.

So......what do I do to get rid of this??

Sit back....put my feet up......and try to get as comfortable as possible......because it is going to be a long and bumpy ride.

I live with an incurable condition.....called "grief".

Bennett-Chadlen's dad told me a while back......that Bennett is "tattooed on his soul". I love this. It describes perfectly the intensity with which we love our son. It will never subside....or go away.

I wear a scar on my heart.......down deep where you will never see it.

I pray that you will never know it either.

Currently reading :
Sylvia Browne’s Journey of the Soul-Box Set
By Sylvia Browne
Release date: By 01 September, 2001

Broken~Hearted Lullabies......my new group

2008-03-01T20:15:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Broken~Hearted Lullabies......my new group
Current mood: sympathetic
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Throughout the Trisomy journey that I travelled with my precious Angel....Bennett-Chadlen....I have met some wonderful and loving moms......

Moms that wanted their babies....but for a variety of reasons, mostly due to pressure from those around them....be it the medical professionals.....or their family members....these women felt pressured to terminate their much wanted babies.....and are now living with regret and heartache.

During my journey with Trisomy 13....I was told that these children do not survive.....and that if they did....their quality of life was so grim that it would be a horrible life for them to endure. I now know that is not always true. Some of these moms have also been told similar misinformation....and due to the shock of the diagnosis.....went ahead and terminated....only to find out later on.....that there were children with similar conditions that do survive....with a quality of life far greater than that which was expected......and that these children and their family members are happy.

This group is for those that have been in this situation.....and currently find themselves struggling with the journey of healing.

My heart goes out to you all.

If you...or anyone you know.....is in this situation.......please lead them here.

Angel Blessings.......Melissa & ^Angel^Bennett-Chadlen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This YAHOO group is specifically for those that have terminated a much loved and wanted baby for medical reasons.....and are living with regrets of that decision.

All members here are women....from all walks of life.

This is a place to come and feel safe.....and supported.....and most of all comforted.

Everyone deserves love and acceptance....and I want you to know that you will find it here.

If you are in need of support.....or know someone that is....please let us know.

Love, Peace, & Harmony to all......from Broken~Hearted Lullabies.

Click here to link to BROKEN~HEARTED LULLABIES

July 28, 2007---1:14 a.m.

2008-03-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

Friday, July 27, 2007

July 28, 2007---1:14 a.m.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

Well....it's definitely been a while since I blogged......I don't even know where to start.

My boys are doing well....loving the new pool.....

And so am I.... hanging around at the beach is not my thing.....

Not these days anyway.....life is different now....

I made a memory garden for Bennett-Chadlen........

We also planted an apple tree in Bennett-Chadlen's memory. It's a spindly little thing, but is covered in quite a number of apples which are growing each day. I can hardly wait to take a bite out of one of those in the fall.

So as you can see I have been keeping busy here.

With the discovery of each new blossom.....comes an awareness that life does go on.

Much love and gratitude to those of you that have trudged along with me during this unbelievable journey during the last 12 months. Your comfort and support has helped make each day a little easier to face.

Gone are the days that I doubted that I would go on. I did not perish when my beautiful Bennett-Chadlen took his last breath......nor have I perished each day since then.

It appears that the world is not finished with me yet.....so I must persevere......trudging boldly through each new day.

I love you so much Bennett-Chadlen......

Thank you for choosing me to be your mum......

Hugs & Angel Kisses my precious boy

Currently listening :
Don't You Fake It
By The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Release date: By 12 March, 2007

Everything I know....I learned from Bennett-Chadlen.....

2008-03-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Everything I know....I learned from Bennett-Chadlen.....
Current mood: restless
Category: Life

As many of you already know.....my precious ^Angel^Bennett-Chadlen was born with a couple of rare conditions.....Trisomy 13....also known as Patau Syndrome.....&.....Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia...or CDH for short.

My life's goal is to continue to raise awareness for these unfortunate and unpreventable circumstances of life.

Our afflicted babies all deserve a chance to live. Some of the symptoms are treatable......sometimes all that can be done is just provide comfort for the baby..........and parents.

In my mind.....

No one is medically futile, until you have tried everything that can be done......and nothing works.

Too often the medical professionals out there provide little support to expecting parents. The data and research information available for many of the trisomy conditions is so outdated and unfair to the medical providers and affected babies.

Termination is often pushed on expecting parents, resulting in a deep and never ending heartache for many years to come. My heart goes out to everyone, regardless of how or when you lost your precious babe. These lives were all wanted and loved.

No one has the right to pass judgement on anyone else, regardless of what you think you would do in a similar situation. Unless you've been there....you will never know.

Sadly, these 2 conditions.....and similar chromosomal abnormalities and birth defects.....are too often fatal.

BUT......I have not been in contact with a family yet that regrets having their precious angel in their lives.

It is so heartbreaking to find out that the life you are looking forward to creating with your new loved one, is possibly going to be cut short.......or may be quite different than the life you imagined it was going to be.

Bennett-Chadlen was such a HUGE SURPRISE to me and his dad. I can't speak for his dad......but I really, really wanted our baby.

I had planned on having a partial hysterectomy last fall, which of course would have prevented me from having any more children ever. It was a sad and difficult decision to make, but I was certain that I was finished with the baby business......and for health reasons I thought it was best to not have any more.

Previous pregnancies, deliveries, and recovery times were very difficult for me. I required a lengthy period of time to recover, and suffered side effects of childbearing that I won't get into here. Trust me....these were serious predicaments that I did NOT want a recurrence of.

Plus.....I was beginning a new phase of my life......the life of a near middle-aged divorcee. I truly figured that was it for me.

I had already spent 4 yrs of complete celibacy......and pretty much figured that I would never meet anyone worthwhile enough to bother with.....let alone have a another child with. That would have required too much commitment that I was not willing to make ever again.

Well, sometimes life has a strange way of working out.....despite our best efforts to prevent certain circumstances.

I was 18 weeks into my pregnancy when I found out that Bennett-Chadlen was going to be a boy.....and that he had trisomy 13......which meant that he had an extra chromosome number 13 throughout each and every cell in his entire body.

Trisomy 13 can occur in any pregnancy......regardless of the mother's or father's age. This condition occurs at the moment of conception......and can be caused by the sperm or the egg. In rare circumstances this condition is traceable to either parent if it is a genetic condition....meaning handed down through either parent.

In our case......it was a totally random occurance......and there was no telling which one of us donated this extra chromosome to him. It could have been me....it could have been his dad. We will never know. The chances of this occurring again is very rare.....as rare as it was for it to have occurred in the first place.

More information about Trisomy 13/Patau Syndrome can be found here:

http://livingwithtrisomy13.org/memoriesofbennett.htm

Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29, 2007.....just 12 weeks and 2 days ago. He was full-term, 2 days passed his due date of March 27th. His outward appearance was beautiful....as are all babies in my eyes.....but he did not show any physical tell-tale signs of Trisomy 13....besides the extra digits on each hand and foot. He has the cutest little pinky toes ever.....they look just like they belong there. On each hand he has the tiniest, barely attached extra pinky finger....complete with knuckles and fingernails. We absolutely adore those unique little features. He is an original!

At 7 months gestation I received results of an MRI which diagnosed Bennett-Chadlen with a non-severe CDH. His lungs appeared to be developing quite nicely.......and were seen functioning perfectly in all subsequent ultrasound tests performed up until the day before he was born.

Following birth he was examined again by x-rays and ultrasounds....and it appeared that he did not have a "hole" through his diaphragm at all....only a floppy muscle which had allowed his stomach to protrude enough through to the chest cavity to make it appear that it was a true CDH. He was not going to require surgical repair for his....unless in time it got worse.

Rarely the diaphragm muscle is so floppy that it does allow some of the abdominal organs to move up into the chest.....appearing that the organs are enclosed in a pouch. This does require surgical repair, the same as a "hole" needs to be repaired, and can affect the developing lungs in the same way.

More information about CDH can be found at this link:

CDH info

Through my research I have found so many different medical issues that babies may be born with....the possibilities almost seem endless.

There are a variety of heart defects, brain defects, kidney, liver, digestive defects....skeletal defects......many different genetic conditions......and a myriad of chromosome abnormalities.

We all should have 46 chromosomes......13 from our mother, 13 from our father. Occasionally one parent may donate an extra chromosome....sometimes only part of an extra chromosome.....sometimes the extra chromosome is attached to another one......sometimes part of the chromosome is missing......or sometimes the entire chromosome is missing.... Keep in mind that can be caused by either parent. Just because us moms get to carry the baby, does NOT mean we are always responsible.

You see......it is complicated.

The true MIRACLE is that any babies are born healthy...

People need to embrace what they are given, regardless of the package it comes in.

Life is precious.......embrace it.........even through the difficult times.

If you know someone that is expecting a baby with a birth defect, or know someone who has a child born with a birth defect....surviving or an angel.....please understand that it is often no one's fault. Love and support those parents.

Allow those parents to give their precious ones life.....if that is what they want to do. Encourage it.......it is so worthwhile.

Yes, it is difficult to endure. The long agonizing days, not knowing what the future holds.

Is it life......is it life after death?

No one should ever look at my baby and believe that he never should have been allowed to be born.

Don't turn away from grieving parents. We hurt....we feel.....we ache....but are still human.......different than we will ever be again.

Knowing the prognosis ahead of time does not make it easier to deal with when the time comes for our little blessed ones to leave us. The bonding of the 9 months creates such an attachment.....the difference being that we don't get to create those memories afterwards.....as long as we would like to.....in the way that we would like to.

Sometimes angels are born to us......

Sometimes we get seconds, minutes, hours, days.........weeks, months.....or maybe only a year or two. More if we are lucky.

We got 8 glorious days.....days that his father and I wouldn't trade for anything in the world....except of course more time.....and a miraculous healing for our precious boy.

Bennett-Chadlen.........we are so proud of you.........

and I will never let anyone forget it.

I love you sweetie-pie......with all my heart and soul.....

Happy Father's Day

2008-03-01T20:11:00.000-05:00

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day
Current mood: crushed
Category: Life

Happy Father's Day to one of the best daddy's there is.

I wish that you could spend this day with your precious son.

I wish that I knew what to do today. Do I reach out and offer a peaceful greeting......wishing you a beautiful day?......even though you have requested........"break free of me......let me go".....

I haven't forgotten today. I will think of you as I go about my day, hoping you are well. I wish that I could hug you today......just in case you need one.

The hardest part is knowing that I can't......because it is not an option ......and never will be.

It doesn't change how I feel........as time goes on I will heal......

but will never forget how special you were to me.....

once upon a time........

In every sunset, and every daisy; I think of you.....and smile through my tears.

They're blooming now in my garden.......so wild and free.......just like I felt that day.........thank you..........

Happy Father's Day......to one of the best daddy's I know.

Currently listening :
Under My Skin
By Avril Lavigne
Release date: By 25 May, 2004

June 6th,.....2 months today

2008-03-01T20:10:00.000-05:00

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Current mood: lonely
Category: Blogging

It's been 2 months today since I held my precious Bennett-Chadlen in my arms for the very first time.

The saddest part is that I was saying *Good-bye* at the same time.

I sit here now, looking at the pic to the left of the screen.......

It is a pic that was taken the very first time that I kissed him. He was 4 days old.

His NICU bed was too high for me to reach him with my lips. I could stand beside him and touch his hair.....his fingers......his beautiful little toes.......

but I couldn't reach to kiss him.

I was so jealous when his Daddy would reach over and kiss him gently. I remember saying....."you know that you just did something that I never have?"......and he said....."what's that"......I said, "you kissed him..............I have never kissed him.....".........

I was able to take his tiny hand in mine.......and kiss his little fingers. He had long, beautiful fingers like his daddy. We talked about what a great guitar player he would be...like his dad......or a pianist, like me.

My photographer friend came to visit him one day. One of the nurses retrieved a stepstool somewhere for her to stand on, so that she could get a better view of Bennett-Chadlen as she snapped some shots. I was so excited when I realized that I could use that stool to help me reach my beautiful boy.

"I can kiss him now......I can kiss him now......" I was so excited as I planted the stool in place alongside his bed. My heart was racing.....my hands were shaking.........

I was breathless with anticipation...........

His skin was so soft beneath my lips.........

His hair smelled so good.........

My whole body was trembling as I pulled away to look at him........and then came the tears.........

I kissed him again and again.........and couldn't stop saying, through my tears......."he smells so good.........his skin is so soft on my lips".........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will never forget how deafening silence can truly be..........

When his ventilator was shut off......I felt as though my own breath had just been sucked out of me.

I kept telling Chadlen......."we're going to hold our baby now......we get to hold our baby now"..........

I am crying now just remembering how quiet the room became. The staff worked quickly to detach his ventilator tubes, and place him in my waiting arms.

We had rocking chairs........side by side........

I don't have words to describe how difficult it was to feel him in my arms for the very first time, knowing that he was taking his last breaths.........he was slipping away from us, and there was nothing we could do to stop it........

It hurt so much..............

I miss him so much.......................

I love you Bennett-Chadlen.........rest in peace, my sweet boy.......

NIMKEE

2008-03-01T20:08:00.004-05:00

Thursday, May 17, 2007

NIMKEE
Current mood: calm
Category: Life

I wrote this story earlier today and shared it with one of my support groups...and then decided to share it with all of you as well.'

I love you Bennett-Chadlen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What does "NIMKEE" mean?:  "NIMKEE" means "LITTLE THUNDER".  It is Bennett-Chadlen's spirit name.  It was given to him by the spirits themselves.  My father is native....from the Ojibwe/Odawa tribe......and very traditional.  

I was unaware that this was happening.....but.......following Bennett-Chadlen's death, my father was in touch with a couple of ladies from his reserve.  These ladies were in touch with a medicine man (I know...it all sounds very bizarre....but bear with me)....the medicine man laid out tobacco on the ground, which is one of the 4 sacred medicines (tobacco, sage, sweet grass, and cedar).....and asked the Spirits to provide a name for my precious boy.  The medicine man also provided some sort of medicinal tea for me to drink that day.....and right before Bennett-Chadlen was laid to rest.  I have no idea what was in it, but it helped to settle my nerves!

Anyway, I attended the funeral home with these 2 women, my mom, dad, and sister were there also.  The native ladies had prepared a cedar tea that I was to clean Bennett with.  They began by undressing him, and they "smudged" him with the smoke from the burning of the 4 sacred medicines....with his very own eagle feather to cleanse his soul and keep away bad spirits.  They had me drink some of the tea, and one of the women began to wipe him down with the cloths dipped in the cedar tea.  Apparently this is customary to prepare each body this way.  I was told to release all my tears and was handed a cloth to wipe him down with myself.  

All the while the other woman was drumming and singing a traditional native song.......it was very moving......and I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life....but afterwards I felt better.  That is all part of the ceremony......for the mother to shed all her tears and grieve as she prepares her loved one for the wake and burial......afterwards there are few tears, and more strength.  Amazing, but true.  My sister was having a difficult time watching me cleaning Bennett, so she too was given a cloth of her own, and was told to "help your sister clean her baby......and cry all your sadness away."  

{We are not to be sad following the passing of our loved ones.....they are in a happy place, a place of honor, and we are to celebrate their life....not mourn them.  They do not want to see us sad, for it will make them feel guilty for leaving us......occasional tears are okay....as long as we tell them that they are happy tears, because we love them so much and are happy to have them in our lives.  They understand.}

The woman that was drumming suddenly announced in our native language...but here is the translation, "NIMKEE.......Your little boy will be known as NIMKEE.......this is the name that the Spirits have given to him.  It means LITTLE THUNDER.....and from now on whenever you hear the Thunder, you are to know that it is your little boy coming to say HELLO!".

On Monday evening, May 14th......we heard our first thunder since Nimkee's passing.  It was about 8pm, and was just beginning to get dark.  It was our Tristan's 9th birthday......so we believe that Nimkee was coming by to 'sing Happy Birthday' to his brother Tristan.  The thunder rumbled non-stop for hours, accompanied by the strangest show of lightning that we have ever seen.  It was incredible.

I will also add the story behind our traditional native burial ceremony....incase anyone else is interested.  It is a long story, but interesting if you are a spiritual person.  I believe that the following is true, because of the photo that I posted earlier of the "Orbs" surrounding us in some of the photos taken following his passing.  Check it out.....they are not fake.

It is our native belief that the deceased spirit does not cross-over to the other side for 4 days following their passing.  This does not mean that the spirit remains in the body.....only nearby.  For this reason the body is not to be unattended at all during the next 4 days until they are laid to rest.

Bennett-Chadlen passed away on Good Friday.  Due to the holiday weekend, there wasn't going to be anyone available to deliver Bennett to the funeral home in my hometown......until Tuesday!!!!!.  My father knew that I would be terribly upset if I found this out, so he drove to Toronto (7 hrs away) to retrieve Bennett's body.  He and a very close family friend that I call Uncle Louie, went to the hospital with papers from the funeral home and just posed as drivers/employees.  Before placing Bennett-Chadlen in the car, a 'smudging' ceremony was done all around each entrance.....to keep away evil spirits.  Uncle Louie performed this ceremony, and he said that when he opened the door for my father to place Bennett inside, that my Great-Grandpa Roy got in also, and that he held Bennett on his lap all the way home.  I got goosebumps when I heard that.  I lived with my Great-Grandpa Roy until he passed away in 1987...I was 17.....we were very close, and I am not surprised that he was there to meet and watch over my precious boy.  My father was not sure how he was going to be able to drive, with his grandson's lifeless body in the back seat....but he said that once he got into the car...he felt an instant peace surround him.  He believes that my Grandpa was there with them....just like Uncle Louie said.

I know this all sounds a bit  weird....but trust me.....we are not 'strange' people.

There have been many times that I have felt the presence of my grandpa, or smelled him, while at  my father's home where we all lived in the house that my grandpa built.  This is where my father still lives.....and where Bennett-Chadlen was brought for his wake.

Bennett was delivered to the funeral home at about 4 am, Sunday morning.  The funeral director lives above the funeral home, so Bennett was not alone while he waited for me to come and get him.  At 10 am, I performed his cleansing ceremony and dressed him in his burial outfit.  At no time did anyone besides me touch Bennett-Chadlen.  I bathed him and placed him in the bodybag and handed him over to the security guards at the hospital, and the funeral director did not touch him....he was not enbalmed.  I removed him from the bodybag at the funeral home.  

It was difficult, but I know that nobody touched my boy besides me, and the native ladies, and my family.......just the way it has been done for centuries.  I even carried him out of the funeral home, got into the car, and held him as we drove down the street to my father's home.  First we drove around the block, to show Bennett where he came from....and incidentally....my brother and my mom also live on the same street so we showed him where they live too.  

Upon arrival to my father's home, I had to wait outside until the home was "smudged/cleansed"....again to keep out/cast out evil spirits that might try to 'steal' my baby's soul.  As per custom.....my brother built him his cross & casket.  The cross had to be brought into the home ahead of him......and when possible, every body is brought in through the back door.....and goes out through the front door.

There also has to be a live cedar tree at the back door.....so my eldest son (20 yrs old) had to go out and dig one up and place it in a bucket.....that tree is still waiting to be planted in our yard.  I then carried Bennett into the house through the back door, passed his cross.....and into the living room where he was to lay in wake for the next 2 nights, 3 days.  Bennett was never left alone......there was someone with him 24hrs per day....protecting his soul.  It is also the custom to light and burn a sacred fire, which signifies the light that the spirit is to go towards....it lights the "Path of Souls" so that the Spirit can find its way to its final destination.  Because of burning restrictions in our town.....we kept a candle lit by him.  The flame is not to go out until he is laid to rest on the fourth day.

Timeline.....Good Friday:

Bennett passed away on Good Friday, approx 2:30 PM his heart stopped.  I was holding him in my arms.....with his father by my side.  

We all took turns having hand moulds made with Bennett.  The bereavement staff were so patient and wonderfully kind to us.  Each of my young boys have moulds of them holding onto Bennett's tiny hand.  I made mine holding onto his tiny feet.....his father held his hand.....our mother's also got to have a mould made with Bennett.  These are precious keepsakes.

Chadlen and I had photos taken with him.

I dressed him, and moved to a sitting room, and our entire family spent time a few hours with him....and then they left.  My mom and I stayed with Bennett-Chadlen...and with the help of the night nurse, I was able to make some gold embossed feet prints.  They are so beautiful......and unique.  Remember...he has 6 toes on each foot....as well as 6 fingers on each hand.

I gave him his first and only tub bath....my mom took some photos.....priceless.  I dried him.....rubbed lotion on him.....and dressed him in a tiny robe, hat, and booties supplied by donations to the NICU.  I swaddled him, and rocked him as long as I wanted to.  Around 11:30pm I helped the nurse to wrap him and place him in the bodybag for cold storage.  He was wrapped beautifully, complete with bows....just like a precious gift!  I held him and rocked him like that until the security arrived to take him.  My mom and I left the hospital at midnight, and spent the night at a nearby hotel, courtesy of the hospital.

Saturday....returned home.....a long 8 hr  trip.

Sunday morning....brought Bennett-Chadlen home  after prepping him.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.....spent all my time with Bennett....holding him, looking at him....and just being in his presence.  I even slept on the sofa nearby....I couldn't leave his side.

Sunday & Monday evening.....prayer & song  services held.

Tuesday evening.....his funeral service was held in my father's home....and he was laid to rest, as the sun went down.....and the stars came out.

Sorry this is so long....it is the first time I have  written this complete story....it was very therapeutic.

So, as you can see, it was a long 5 days.....but a very precious time that I will never forget....and I was able to spend ample time with my beautiful boy before I had to let him go forever.  Chadlen and his mother attended the entire wake, even though they too had a very long drive.....7 hrs......but it is a time they will always cherish as well.  They have never before witnessed such a "Celebration of Life".

One month later.....

2008-03-01T20:07:00.000-05:00

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Current mood: indescribable
Category: Blogging

Dear Bennett-Chadlen,

It has been one month today since you left us. I have been doing okay....as you already know......I feel you around me, watching me all the time.

Today I can't help but think back to the day that I found out that you were coming into my life......what a day that was.

I was shocked, but also happy......because I loved you instantly. I began to imagine what you might look like..........

were you a boy or a girl??.............................

would you have my eyes??..................................

Daddy's crazy sense of humour??....................................

I knew you would be special.........you had to be........you came from a beautiful place in time.......a happy time........a time that I will always cherish.....

I knew that you would have a generous heart........................

I miss you so much.........
I don't have the words to express just how much.........

I remember how wonderful it felt to have you placed into my empty arms.........oh how I had longed to hold you for the first time...............................
I only wish I didn't have to say good-bye at the same time.

I want to feel you in my arms........
I want to nuzzle you next to my cheek..........
I want to touch you.......smell you.......see your beautiful face.......

I want to look at your dark curls........and stroke them gently........

I want to feel your mighty grip around my finger.......
I remember how you held on so tight.......not wanting to let go........

The tears flow swiftly and silently.........remembering you as you took your last breaths in our arms..............................

I will never forget the look on daddy's face ...........................
~the first time he saw you...................
~the first time you gripped his finger.......................
~when he told me that you opened your eyes and looked at him for ~the first time....................
~and when I placed you into his waiting arms........

You took his breath away.......................................

Bennett-Chadlen..........you have changed my life forever...........
I will never be the same again...................................

You have opened my eyes to the world around me..........
I will never again view life as a mere passage of time.........

With the help of your daddy,and your brothers, my heart has been opened wide..............................
wider than I ever knew was possible....................
with each passing day my love for you grew.......................
and continues to grow.....

I am amazed at the depth of the passion that I feel when I remember you...........................both of you...................
such joy I have never known before.......

Thank you my precious boy......for choosing us to be your parents.

For giving both of us the pleasure of knowing you.........
You are the greatest gift.........................

I am inspired to be a better person.........
Free of anger........or resentment........

I now see the beauty, where before there was only darkness.......

I feel strength and courage to persue my hearts desire, where before I was too paralyzed by fear.........

I didn't know what I was going to do with another baby in my life......................
Now there are moments where I just don't know what I am going to do without you..............................

And then I realize.......I am not without you........

You will forever be a part of me........
And that makes me smile

Lots of love and angel kisses to you my precious sweetiepie,

Mommy xoxoxoxoxo.......

What I learned today.....a day of self-discovery

2008-03-01T20:05:00.002-05:00

Monday, April 30, 2007

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Today I learned that I truly am the master of my own destiny.

It's not a new concept.......but today that reality jumped up and slapped me in the face......

I was lost in grief.....sobbing loudly and wondering why......

Why me.....why my baby?.......why now......why this way?......just what am I supposed to learn from this.......haven't I had enough heartache for one lifetime......

Have I not passed the test of strength and endurance?

Well, the answer is YES.......yes I have passed that test......yes I am a strong person.....a survivor.......

But what I am not is a willing participant in this journey called life.

I have merely spent each day for as long as I can remember........existing........not living........just getting by......

I thought back to some of my life experiences..........remembering how sometimes things just happened.........things I did not ask for.........BUT......I forged ahead.......never slinking away from the problems that have plagued me.......always coming out "OK".....

Step 1: Identify the problem.
Step 2: Scratch your head.....put on your thinking cap.....and create a valid solution.
Step 3: Implement the plan of action.
And if you're lucky.......go to step 4......which is.......
Step 4: Breathe a sigh of relief because although you may have come through it a bit bruised and battered.....the fact remains.....you have survived.

What to do if there doesn't seem to be a solution to the problem?.......
Step 1: Accept the situation for what it is......
Step 2: Breathe.....and remember that tomorrow always comes no matter what.....AND THEN......
Step 3: Move on.......
AGAIN......you may come through this a bit bruised and battered.....but the fact remains......~YOU HAVE SURVIVED!..... and.....you found a not so obvious solution to a problem that you THOUGHT there was no solution for....

Now, to get to what I learned today.......

Why has happiness escaped me.......

Step 1: Ask the question.....What would make me happy?.....What is lacking in my life?
Step 2: How will I acquire what it is that I desire?
Step 3: Face my fears....and accept that this is most likely the biggest hurdle that has prevented me from finding.....or keeping ..... that which I desire.

My biggest fear(s).......rejection......& loneliness.....
Coping strategies?.......keep to myself.....live a solitary existence....convince myself that I am better off this way.....and hope for the best......
Does this work?......the big answer is NO!!!!!!!!!!! I inevitably find myself being rejected, due to the fact that I keep to myself......which then leads to loneliness......heartache....tears...... and hours of self-talk trying to convince myself that I am better off this way.

I wondered to myself......why doesn't he see me..... why can't he see how much I care.....and know how lucky he would be to have me in his life?
I thought back.....what was different then?
The answer........ME.....I was different then.......I was different because I had nothing to lose......or so I naively thought at that time...... this guy doesn't know me.....he doesn't know a thing about me...... I am free to be me...... there are no pre-conceived notions of who I might be....and it doesn't matter anyway because this guy is going to leave and I will never see him again.....
So, I allowed myself to be seen......I laughed...... I listened....... and I spoke freely about my opinions on life in general....... I did keep my personal stuff to myself.....no sense scaring the poor guy......

Now, we get to the scary part......."uh oh......I am beginning to feel something.....and it feels good.....too good......", (which then leads to more self-talk)......'if it feels too good to be true, then it probably is'......(solution?)......withdraw.....like a turtle inside my shell.....
(now what).......too late, the damage is done.....now it's time to defend myself.....believing that it's best to do something to push this guy away before he rejects me......(did it work).....yes and no...... I succeeded in pushing him away...... he began to change his way of seeing me.....which then led to rejection......then heartache......then tears.....then loneliness......then hours and hours of self-talk to convince myself that I am better off alone......

But am I happy?...........NO......I AM NOT HAPPY.......I feel sad......hurt.......rejected......and lonely.......
Solution..... put myself out there.....open myself back up.....and let the whole world see me for who I really am.....
And who I am is not the same as who I used to be.....I didn't like who I was......that scared little girl who hid behind closed doors....keeping to myself.....how can I expect anyone else to want me that way?

Who do I want to be......I want to be someone that my boys will admire and look up to.....someone free and alive...... someone not afraid to step out into the sunshine and face each day anew.....

I want Bennett-Chadlen to look down from up above and say......"see that lady down there.....that's my mommy, and she's the best mommy in the whole world......

"I am proud to say that she's my mommy".

I don't know if I will end up where I want to be....or if I'll end up with the guy who has my heart....life is not a perfect adventure.

Nobody's perfect.....I will never be flawless.......

but today I am happy to be me......

A diamond in the rough.

Why?

2008-03-01T20:05:00.001-05:00

Friday, April 27, 2007

Current mood: lonely
Category: Blogging

Why does it always have to rain on my saddest days?........

Or is the other way around......

Do the rainy days just make me feel more sad?

Just wondering................

Home again.......15 days later......

2008-03-01T20:03:00.004-05:00

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Current mood: indescribable

Well, it's been 15 long days since I saw my baby for the final time......19 days since the last time I saw him alive.

I am home again finally......for the first time since I left to go to Toronto to wait for Bennett-Chadlen's arrival....way back on February 26.

Being home again is not as comforting as I had hoped it would be. Infact, it is rather unsettling. This is the only place where I have ever "lived" with Bennett. This is the place where he came from. This is the place where he grew inside of me.....day after day......week after week........month after month.....

Just he and I......alone in our own little world......wondering what each new day would bring.

In the beginning, things were so much different.

I remember the day I found out that he was coming into my life. What a shocking moment that was.......I had to look at the test stick several times each minute throughout the day just to believe I was really seeing what I was seeing. Brendan and I drove all day that day.....to find Bennett's dad and share the news with him. I had made a comment before he had left here that I am not a lucky person.......that if anything was going to go wrong.....it will likely happen to me. I said that if I find out I am pregnant in a couple of weeks.....I am going to lose my mind. He asked if I would tell him. I didn't know what I should do...... He said if we were going to be having a baby together then he would want to know and that he wouldn't be happy to find out that I had kept this from him. I told him not to worry about it.....this was a stupid conversation, because it wasn't going to happen.....case closed....or so I thought.

Once I got over the initial shock of it all......I began to look forward to having a new little life.....in my life. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl.....would he/she have mommy's hair.....or daddy's eyes......

I wondered if daddy would ever get over the initial shock of it all......it was so unexpected and neither one of us were really prepared to provide for a baby at this time in our lives. I tried not to worry about it.....this baby was coming whether we were prepared or not.

Early on I had a bit of a scare....I ended up at ER wondering if I might be having a miscarriage. It was a Saturday morning and there wasn't anyone in the radiology department until Monday. An appointment was made for then to have an ultrasound. That was a long time to wait.....not knowing if my baby was still alive or not. The u/s showed a strong heartbeat, and the little guy measured perfectly for dates. I went home very happy and prayed for better days.

Fast forward to October. I decided to allow my midwife to draw some extra blood for the maternal serum testing.....to check for an increased risk of having a baby with spina bifida, or some kind of chromosome abnormality. I had never had this test done before....I had always opted not to bother.....it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I always told myself that it wouldn't matter if my baby was going to have a problem.....I would never terminate, and I would love and accept this baby no matter what......and do my best to care for it......providing for its needs.

The blood test results showed an increased risk for Trisomy 18.....a 1 in 8 chance. I had never heard of it.....that was also the first time I had ever heard of Trisomy 13....which the amniocentesis proved that my little one had......and that I was expecting another little boy. The prognosis was not good......."trisomy 13 & 18 are lethal conditions for the fetus.....incompatible with life"......etc.......if there was to be a live birth....then the baby was going to have an increased risk of many different birth defects.

How could this be happening to me? Why? Why my baby? Why any baby? Then the acceptance of another boy.....how do I tell his dad? Contact up to that point had been quite limited......our relationship (which really wasn't one) was quite strained.....I couldn't leave this kind of information in an email.....how cruel that would be......but how do I find the words? Where do I get the courage to make that dreaded phone call?

Small talk.....then, "I have to tell you something.....remember I said I was having some blood tests done......well they found something. I went to Toronto and had an amniocentesis done (explained the procedure)....and I just found out a couple of days ago that we are expecting a baby boy......."......................."yes......you're going to have a son.........but there's something else I have to tell you.......and I don't know how......."..........and then the tears.......and those dreaded words had to be spoken.......the words that no parent wants to hear........the rest of this story has been chronicled through my past blogs.....or a condensed version can be found at http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/MemoriesOfBennett.htm

March 29, 2007.....8:06 am.....Bennett-Chadlen Roy arrives. Scans prior to his birth indicated a "not-severe Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia"....which translates to a hole in the diaphragm, which is the muscle separating the chest cavity (heart & lungs) from the abdominal cavity (stomach, liver, intestines, etc....). Treatment at birth for this condition requires that these babies are intubated and not allowed to cry or breathe on their own......for fear that they will swallow air leading to other complications. Surgery for repair of the hole is to be perfomed as soon as the baby is stable.

Bennett-Chadlen was whisked away quickly.....taken to the resuscitation room to be put on the ventilator as per the treatment plan. I had ordered aggressive treatment despite his trisomy 13 condition.

Some of these children do survive and do better than anyone expects.....just give them a chance at birth.....and see what happens next. I was not frightened of raising a mentally or physically disabled child......I just wanted the chance to do so.

When I first saw him a couple of hours later......he was beautiful. I spoke his name and he turned his head and looked right at me.....he was so alert and attentive! I never expected such a wondrous sight.....I will never forget that beautiful face....and those big dark eyes......we memorized each others faces during that next hour or so.....I never expected to be able to spend so much time with him.....but he was doing so well that I got to spend that extra time before he was transferred to the children's hospital across the street.

Bennett-Chadlen remained on the ventilator and maximum life support for his entire 8 days......trials of different meds.....and tweaking of the ventilator & oxygen settings were made throughout that time.....

Many family members & friends came to visit during those days...... Bennett-Chadlen met his two Grandmas (my mom & Chadlen's mom), his Grandpa Roy & my stepmom Carolyn, his Auntie Laurie (my sis), his Auntie Christine (Chadlen's sis), his Uncle Jason (Chadlen's half-brother) and Jay's partner Therese. My friends Barb & Tim (the wonderful people that I lived with for a month prior to Bennett's arrival) came by.....a new friend Louise......a new friend named Heather, who was also the photographer that took some of the beautiful photos of Chadlen & I with Bennett on his 5th day as well as my prenatal shoot (www.lifespark.ca/clients/Roy1/ & www.lifespark.ca/clients/Roy2/ ).....hospital chaplains for his blessing (his 1st night) & for his baptism (on his last night).......hospital staff that had heard about this special baby boy who was loved so much came by to meet him.....and to support us...

On Bennett-Chadlen's final day.....he got to meet 3 of his brothers......Tristan 8, Mason 6, & Tanner 4. It was so difficult taking those boys in to meet him, knowing that it was also going to be Bennett's last day. I have pics posted that chronicle this event.

Chadlen & I had been at the hospital night and day....never far from Bennett-Chadlen's side.......the NICU is open to parents 24 hrs a day.....we spent time just the 3 of us......as well as spent individual time with him long into the early hours of the morning......those were the best moments. The room was quiet and dark.....Bennett rested so peacefully. We would just go in and look at him.....take turns holding his hand, feeling him squeeze our finger....he was so strong and aware of our presence around him.......I read him stories in the night......Daddy & I sang to him.......and told him how much he was loved.

Good Friday, April 6th, 2007.......Bennett-Chadlen's health was fading.....he was not expected to make it through the day. His father & I had to make the agonizing decision to take him off the ventilator......and let him go.

Bennett-Chadlen spent the morning surrounded by his entire family......many tears were shed........it was time to say goodbye.

The room was cleared......2 rocking chairs were placed side by side, in preparation. We sat down. It was time to hold our son for the first time since he was born. Bennett-Chadlen was placed into my arms......the breathing tube removed......we got to see his face for the first time without all the tape and the tubes......

He was beautiful.....so handsome......I will never forget that moment in time......

I rocked him......and sang him a lullabye.......we told him how much we love him......someone brought Chadlen his guitar....and somehow he managed to play it through his tears.....and we sang to him......"Bennett we love you.......oh Bennett we love you"........

We took turns holding him.....and comforting each other......Bennett-Chadlen looked so peaceful and happy in our arms......he gave us 2 hours like that before he left us.............

19 days ago.........

We miss you Bennett-Chadlen.......you shall forever remain in our hearts.....and in my soul......

For Grieving Fathers.....

2008-03-01T20:03:00.001-05:00

Monday, April 23, 2007

Current mood: discontent
Category: Writing and Poetry

I came across this today while going through some old email messages that I had not read yet.

Let us remember that fathers hurt too.....

If you know a grieving father, reach out and let him know you care.

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test

And field the calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right

And what she's going through

But seldom take his had and ask,

"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

but "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew

And try to be so very brave--

He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

A POEM FOR BENNETT-CHADLEN.......FROM DAISY

2008-03-01T19:58:00.000-05:00

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Current mood: calm
Category: Writing and Poetry

I received this today from my wonderful & loving friend Daisy.....she wrote it for me & Bennett and I want to share it with you all.....

Enjoy....& have a wonderful weekend

his name is baby Bennett,
Bennett Chadlen Roy
God gave us a miracle
when he gave us this baby boy

he put up a battle,
trying to win the fight
little baby Bennett,
such a precious sight

everyone around him
showered him with love
we all knew God was watching
protecting from above

angels came to get him
to put him in a place
where he can safely watch us all,
with his baby face

it's sad he had to leave us
he'll always be a baby boy
in his short time here,
he filled our hearts with joy

i wish i could have known him,
seen him,touched him, hold him...

he didnt go because he wanted to
he just went to watch us all
God had a special plan for him,
he had to answer the call

little baby Bennett
is the thunder when it rains
he went to watch his mommy
and take away her pain

he rests upon your shoulder,
he resides within your heart
and when your sad and lonely,
he's with you in the dark

he's never very far from you
saying "please my mom dont cry"
even though im not with you
im still your precious little guy

i'll always think of Bennett
when i hear the thunder loud
i'll say a little prayer for him
and tell him he made his mother proud

please dont cry too much mom,
you'll be with him someday
you'll see him in heaven
he just cleared the way

little baby Bennett
"Nimkee" Chadlen Roy
you are such a precious
little baby boy

please send us some thunder
we miss you alot
go rest on moms shoulder
and stay within her heart

Today.....14 days later......

2008-03-01T19:57:00.000-05:00

Friday, April 20, 2007

Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

Well, today marks the 14th day since my precious Bennett-Chadlen left this world. It was the worst day of my life......but it was also a day I will cherish forever because it was also the day I got to hold my beautiful baby for the first time.

I will remember forever how it felt to have him placed into my waiting arms for the first time......I thought my heart was going to burst....my tears flowed uncontrollably......it was the best feeling ever.

The saddest part about it was knowing that it was also going to be the last time I held my darling boy alive.....he was not doing very well and was not expected to make it through the day. I could not allow him to suffer any longer.....and I could not allow him to take his last breath never having been held in the loving arms of his mommy and daddy. We had been patiently waiting so long already......

Long were the days and nights of sitting next to him....

rejoicing in the littlest of achievements......

smiling with glee when he fluttered his eyes.....opening them for brief glimpses at us......

feeling such an intense sense of satisfaction while he gripped our fingers and held on.......none of us wanting to let go.....

I cannot adequately describe those feelings which Bennett-Chadlen evoked in us.......those are feelings that only we as his parents can understand for each other.......

I went to his grave again today......

I couldn't directly drive there.....there were too many emotions going through me....and I knew I had to prepare my mind first.

......my mom left me her car for the day.....just incase I felt like venturing out.

I wasn't sure about it at first.....there was a certain comfort in hiding inside the house.....but there was also that curiosity about what is beyond the threshold.....

I imagine it as being similar to the feelings of a newly hatched butterfly......coming out of its cocoon for the very first time.....craving the comfort of enclosure.....but yet wanting to explore into that vast expanse of blue....visible on the horizon......

I got into the car......and turned the key......it felt strange.......I had not driven since before I left for Toronto......all those many, many weeks before......before Bennett-Chadlen arrived.......

With trepidation I put the car into reverse.....and slowly backed out of the driveway.....ok.....so far so good......

I backed out onto the road......not knowing which direction I was going to head in.....allowing auto-pilot to kick in.....like natural born instinct I forged ahead......driving into the sunshine......windows down....breathing in the warm spring air......

I'm doing it....I'm doing it......and it feels ok, I thought to myself.....infact...more than ok.....it feels pretty good.....

I drove along the highway.....and turned down a long and winding country road......before too long I came to a half....there on the road ahead of me was one of last spring's babies....a tiny white-tail deer.....signs of life going on around me......

Eventually I came to the fork in the road.....turn left and head home....or face my fears and go straight.....knowing that the road ahead would lead me to Bennett's grave.......

I saw his white cross in the distance......as it drew nearer I prepared to struggle for breath......I turned into the laneway which ends abruptly right next to Bennett-Chadlen's plot. I turned off the engine....and opened the door. Can I do this?.....can I really do this?.......my left foot landed on solid ground.....it did not cave under the weight of me as I slowly proceeded to stand.....the air was so warm and still.....I closed the door behind me.

Turning.....I saw it. The mound of earth still heaping from the newness.......not yet settled......

much like how I feel right now I thought to myself......

"Hi Bennett......it's Mommy"......rat-a-tat-tat.....rat-a-tat-tat......I looked up.....high on the neighbouring tree was a Downy Woodpecker.....working fervously away at its meal......reminding me once again of the cycle of life.......going on around me.

I felt remarkably calm......why? I walked over to the cross....stood behind it.....and placed my hands delicately on either side......it felt warm from the sun's rays.....I stood like that for a long while......just looking down......remembering my little one.....remembering the feel of his skin.....remembering his delicate scent......his dark curls.....his tiny fingers and toes.......

His beautiful face.......oh his beautiful face........how perfect he was.....incredibly perfect he was........he took my breath away when first I laid my eyes on him.....when he turned toward my voice and looked into my eyes.....22 days ago.....

Without warning....I felt the tightening of my chest.....here it comes.......the tears........I can't stop......and it hurts so bad....."I don't want to feel this......I really don't want to feel this".......

Suddenly.....out of nowhere......I heard him......it was Bennett-Chadlen.......and he was speaking to me....!.......

"Don't be sad mommy.......please don't be sad".......

Instantly the veil of sorrow was lifted......a delicate breeze began to blow gently .....brushing the hair gently away from my face.....steady it blew for a minute....

"I'm going to be ok......thank you Bennett......I love you baby boy.....I miss you so much......Mommy needed that.......you made me feel better......now don't forget Daddy.....he's sad too......go to him now.....and let him know you're there.......Mommy wants him to feel better too".....

I got back into the car.....but didn't say goodbye.......I didn't need to....he's not there......

He's with me......even now......surrounding me with his love.....

"I'm going to make it through another day"............

Bennett's Obituary

2008-03-01T19:52:00.000-05:00

Friday, April 20, 2007

Bennett's Obituary
Current mood: sad

"NIMKEE" BENNETT-CHADLEN ROY In loving memory of Bennett-Chadlen Roy, "Nimkee - Little Thunder". Bennett-Chadlen was born in Toronto on March 29, 2007. He passed away peacefully in the loving arms of his parents on Good Friday, April 6, 2007 at the Hospital for Sick Children NICU. He was 8 days old. Bennett-Chadlen will forever be remembered as a very brave and strong boy. He wasn't with us long enough, but he touched many hearts during his brief time here on earth. He will be lovingly remembered forever in the hearts of his parents, Melissa Roy and Chadlen Casarin. Special and much loved brother of Brendan, Tristan, Mason and Tanner. Precious Grandson of Larry Roy (Caroline), Glena Roy (Mike) all of Little Current, and Margaret DeBoer (Peter) of Cambridge. Dear nephew of Laurie Maybee (Scott) of Barrie, Evan Roy (Amanda), and Kaylyn Roy all of Little Current, Christine Casarin of Kitchener, Jason Casarin of Toronto. Great-grandson of Glen & Jean Cannard of Sheguiandah and Mabel Roy of Little Current. Funeral Services at the home of Larry Roy at 6:30pm Tuesday, April 10. Burial to follow in Elmview Cemetary, Sheguiandah. Arrangements in care of Island Funeral Home.

Donations in Memory of Bennett-Chadlen Roy may be made to the NICU at Sick Kids by calling 1-800-661-1083 or mail to SickKids Foundation, 525 University Avenue, 14th floor, Toronto, Ontario M5G 2L3. Please specify "NICU" in Memory of Bennett-Chadlen Roy.

hadlen Roy.

To my friends.......

2008-03-01T19:51:00.000-05:00

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Current mood: touched
Category: Life

Precious friends:

Thank you so much for your daily words of comfort & support.....

Thank you for your wonderful comments which help me to get through the day....

This computer is my lifeline right now and I honestly feel that I couldn't get through the day without the distractions of reading your messages, comments, etc....

They help to ease my heartache.

It is wonderful to know that you care.

It is wonderful to have someone ask me how I am doing and know that you sincerely want to know.....because you care.

I wish that I could personally reply to each and every one of you......
I want to return your affections, but sometimes just do not have the strength to do it.

Please know you are in my thoughts...
and in my heart.

The gift of having Bennett-Chadlen in my life has given me the opportunity to touch you all enough to have you reach out to me.....

perhaps this was his mission....
to ease his mommy's heartache and loneliness by bringing awareness of my existence.

If any of you ever find yourselves in need of a shoulder to lean on, an ear to vent into, a cyber hug.......
Please, please do not hesitate to reach out.
I am here for you too.

If you know anyone that has just received news of a poor prenatal diagnosis and they need someone to reach out to...

or, at some time in the past they too have experienced the tragic loss of a much wanted and loved baby.....

Please, tell them of me and let them know that I am here to help in any way that I can.

If you ever find yourself on this beautiful piece of heaven that I live on.....
Manitoulin Island....
don't hesitate to look me up...
hospitality is my middle name.

I don't live in a big, fancy house,
but it is a home filled with love...
stop by and say hi...
we would love it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.....
my wonderful, wonderful friends.
Gchi-Miigwetch...

Now go and have a great day....
and know.....

I love you all very much

My Daily Prayer....

2008-03-01T19:50:00.000-05:00

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Current mood: crushed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

"Thank you God for giving me Bennett-Chadlen,
and all my beautiful boys....

Thank you God for giving me this wonderful day, and for helping me to get through another day...

I pray for Peace,
and Comfort,
in the knowledge that Bennett-Chadlen is safe and happy in your presence,
and the presence of his family members which have gone before him...

I pray that Bennett-Chadlen surrounds me today,
I pray that I feel His energy around me...

I pray that Bennett-Chadlen can hear me when I speak to Him,
and that He will help to provide his Mommy & Daddy with the comforts we need to heal our broken-hearts;
and that we can get through these days ahead capable of remaining friends,
in honor of Bennett-Chadlen's precious memory...

I pray for all the other mommy's & daddy's that are missing their children,
I pray for the mommy's & daddy's that are waiting for their precious babies to be born....and that they make it safely to their parents loving arms....
I pray for the precious babies that are fighting for their lives...that they are free of pain and suffering.......and that should they also pass, they are able to do so in the loving arms of their parents that love them so much.

I pray for everybody,
everywhere....
that need you today Lord,
for none of us are without our needs.

I pray that one day you will bless my family with the Love & Tenderness that we deserve,
a life free of heartache & pain,
free of abuse & addictions,
free of struggles & sorrows...

I pray for the ability to provide my children with the family life that they deserve,
so that they may grow up knowing how to love & provide safety & tenderness for families of their own one day.

I pray for the strength & courage that I need to make it through this day,
the knowledge to know who to trust,
and the ability to love & trust when that opportunity presents itself.

I pray that Bennett-Chadlen's daddy finds the happiness he is looking for...
that he reaches his goals...
that you also give him the strength & comfort that he deserves....
and that Bennett-Chadlen looks over him and lets him know that he is near, never more than a heartbeat away.

Thank you for my many wonderful friends....
whose love & support I cherish more than words can express.
Watch over them and keep them safe.

This is my daily prayer...
~Amen~

A BIG, BIG DAY.....

2008-03-01T19:49:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

Today is my first day all alone since before Bennett was born. My boys are at school.....my mother has returned to work.

I am still staying at my mom's house....I cannot even think about being without her right now. Sitting here alone is so, so difficult.

I haven't really had a good cry since the night of Bennett's funeral. It was a really difficult day for me to say the least. I had been surrounded by so many people for days and felt so claustrophobic by the end of it all.....imagining my poor baby all alone in the dark. I know they say he is not in there....that his spirit has left and moved on......but still.......I have a difficult time finding comfort in that......it is not enough.

Maybe his spirit has moved on.....but the part of him that is not with me anymore is the physical part that I had carried around inside of me for so long......feeling each tiny flutter in the early days.....and loving and enjoying each stronger kick and wiggle right up to the moment he was born......

Following the birth of each of my boys......there was always that sense of loss.....just a bit......because I could no longer feel that 'bump' that had become such a part of me......I literally felt like a part of me had been amputated. I had my babies in my arms......but I missed the feeling of having each of them inside of me also.

Now, I cannot feel Bennett in my arms........and he is no longer inside of me......I hurt so much there are no words to describe it.......I am brought to tears right now just thinking about it.....

I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!! I WANT HIM BACK.......this is the worst feeling ever......

I pray that no one should ever have to feel this pain....but I know that someone out there is sharing my grief, for reasons of their own. Innocent babies leave their parents arms each day......

Why? I do not know....... I am told there is a reason for everything...... I want to know the reason for this....... I wish someone could help me to make sense of it all.......

Bennett-Chadlen.....I miss you so much........I wish I could hear you whisper in my ear and tell me why you had to go.....why you?.....why any of you? I want to hear you tell me that you are ok....I want to hear you tell me that it's ok for me to be sad.....I want to hear you tell me that it's ok for me to be happy too.....I want to hear you tell me that you are with me now, even if I can't see you.......

Oh little one......my darling little sweetiepie.......I love you so much. Please help mommy to get stronger each day.....help me to find comfort in thoughts of you....I want to remember you without heartache.....I want to look at photos of your beautiful image and not hurt so bad I can hardly breath.......I want to smile instead......And don't forget Daddy......he hurts too......

I think I need to go and purge all these sorrows away.....I have been holding it all inside for days now......not wanting to show my grief.....I have been told it is not healthy to hold it all in.......that crying is a great way of releasing all those pent up feelings and will eventually help me to feel better.......no one is around to hear my cries today.......and that's a good thing.....because I know that once I allow myself to start.....it is going to be difficult to stop......and no one needs to hear this........

Bennett....if you can hear me.....please don't be scared or sad......be happy knowing that mommy's pain comes from the deep love I have for you......and from the loss of happiness I had during those days we had together.......Mommy will be ok......one day.......

Food for Thought

2008-03-01T19:48:00.002-05:00

Monday, April 16, 2007

Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

I have been going over several messages that I have received in the last several days.....re-reading them and finally replying.

I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of support from so many strangers.......

The power of the human spirit truly amazes me sometimes........

It's mystifying why and how the greatest source of comfort can come from places where you would least expect it.......

What drives a person to reach out to a complete stranger?

My precious Bennett-Chadlen has reached so many people......his story has travelled far and wide.....and the love and support of all of you generous and compassionate people does not go unrecognized.....

My boy is in an all-knowing place...he can see you all....and know your hearts.....and he will bless you graciously for your ability to reach out to his mommy & daddy during our greatest time of need......

There is nothing I can stress more than this......

The lesson that i hope everyone takes away from this is that life is precious...

each second we have should not be taken for granted....

love while you can......

never leave any issue unresolved.....

you never know if you will ever get the chance to fix it.....

It is this thought that is helping to comfort me through the feelings of unease I was feeling earlier when I posted my previous blog....

I put myself out there on a limb......
exposing myself completely to someone who matters so much to me....
needing to say what has been festering away inside of me for months now.....
pouring out my heart and soul....
my innermost secrets and desires.....

and while I have been wishing I hadn't done that.....
I know that my last advice is true....

I never like to leave any issue unresolved......

life is too short to live with regrets.....
the people who matter most in my life will know it today...
incase I can't tell them tomorrow.

Monday, April 16th.....I can't believe it's been 10 days already........

2008-03-01T19:48:00.001-05:00

Monday, April 16, 2007

Current mood: confused
Category: Life

Another heavy day....and I think I just made the biggest mistake ever......

Have you ever lost the most precious thing ever.....like the hopes and dreams of raising a beautiful newborn baby?

Have you ever wanted something so much that it consumed your every waking moment?

Have you ever loved so deeply that it was the best feeling...and the worst feeling ever....all at the same time......because you were afraid of loving so much and possibly losing that precious loved one?

Have you ever received the most precious gift ever.....without knowing how much you wanted it before it came your way?

Have you ever accepted so completely, that which you knew was going to change your life forever in the best way, and also knew that at the same time it was possibly the worst timing ever?

Have you ever had to tell someone something so significant, shocking, and wonderful....and been so scared that telling that something was possibly going to shatter that someone's life and cause that someone to resent you deeply forever?

Well, I have....and let me tell you it was not fun......and it was not easy......and it ended exactly as I predicted it would...

Have you ever spent months wanting and waiting.....waiting and wanting......finally receiving......and losing it all in the span of a week?

Have you ever ached so badly that you felt you just couldn't go on another day....but knew you had to......alone?

Have you ever poured out your heart and soul to that someone that you love more than life itself.....and then wish you hadn't because deep down inside you know it isn't going to matter anyway.....and probably just made things worse?

Welcome to my messed up life......and if none of this makes any sense to you.....don't feel bad.....

I don't understand it either....

I just pray that one day I will get it right.

It's 12:49 am.....& I can't sleep.....

2008-03-01T19:47:00.001-05:00

Monday, April 16, 2007

Current mood: lonely
Category: Life

I need a hug......

i would give almost anything:
~ for one more touch
~to smell you one more time
~to feel the softness of your skin
~to see you look at me
~to kiss your tender lips
~to run my fingers through your hair
~to hold your hand
~to feel your grip
~to hear you breath
~to watch you sleep
~to wipe your tears
~to caress your ears
~to count your toes
~touch nose to nose
~to hear you cry
~to hold you in a long embrace
~to tell you that i love you
~to hear you tell me that you love me too
~to whisper good morning in your ear
~to rock you goodnight beneath the stars
~to hear you laugh
~to see you smile

~to have you back
~to keep

I miss you both so much.....

My first visit to Bennett's grave

2008-03-01T19:46:00.001-05:00

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

Bennett Chadlen Roy was laid to rest in a beautiful little cemetary just 6 miles outside my hometown.

He is underneath a row of beautiful, old shade trees.......what kind....i do not know as there aren't leaves on them yet.

The sun was shining and there was a gentle, cool breeze.

As we approached I could feel myself becoming anxious.....and not in a good way.....but I knew I had to do it.

Tuesday evening I had to have Chadlen take me to the car as everyone was tossing tiny bits of soil into the grave. The sound of the tiny stones mixed with sand was too much for me to take. I felt like I was suffocating.....like it was me laying inside of there.

I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing the hole all filled in.

I took my time getting out of the car.....and I took a long, deep breath. I approached his grave with hesitation....waiting to feel the breath sucked out of me.....but it did not happen.

I walked to the edge......nothing happened. I looked at the flowers wishing that our most recent snowfall had not affected them so negatively......what were once such vibrant daisies....were now just brown and listless.

I looked at his grave marker, which is a beautiful wooden cross that was built and painted by my younger brother. He also built Bennett's casket, which I am sure was not an easy thing to do....for a tiny newborn nephew that he never got to see alive.

Upon closer examination of the cross.....someone had left Nimkee a lollipop and a chocolate coin......how thoughtful.

My mother took the boys for a walk down the country road, to look for the geese which had flown overhead, honking loudly as we had arrived. I was left alone with my darling, wee Bennett.

I remembered how we had lovingly placed him into his spacious casket.....lined with the softest, blue blanket in the world. We tucked rolled up blankets around his sides, so he would feel so snuggy.....like his mommy's arms were holding him for his eternal rest. We placed handrawn pictures and family photos around him....then Chadlen and I tucked him in with his special, furry friends.....the same ones he had surrounding his isolette at the hospital NICU.....a puppy rattle from daddy, a prayer bunny, yellow lion, and a white lamb from his brothers, a treasured and long loved Snuggle Bear from his eldest brother Brendan......a white puppy from his Auntie Christine...a yellow ducky from his Auntie Laurie and family.....and last but not least....I tucked him in swaddled in a beautiful handcrocheted blanket I had made for him......to keep him warm forever. Daddy & I kissed him one last time.....and told him how much we loved him.....

I remember Daddy saying how he looked like the most comfortable little baby in the world.......and he did.

So while I stood there looking at the mound of fresh earth and stones....all I could think about was that vision of our precious Bennett Chadlen Roy.....snuggled in beautifully, just the way we would have each night before bed.

I felt a comfort in knowing that he was not squished inside.....as my brother made it plenty spacious with ample overhead space as well.

I can't deny that I eventually shed a few tears as I began to speak to him. I told him how much I missed him.....and how much Daddy misses him too......and I told him how much we love him, and how proud of him we are for being such a strong and beautiful baby.

I know he was there with me when I felt the gust of wind come up across my face......like a gentle caress by the softest of lips.....

the lips of an angel.......

Today.....

2008-03-01T19:42:00.000-05:00

Friday, April 13, 2007

Current mood: lonely
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Today my heart is heavy.....
I am so angry.....so hurt.....and so lost.....

I feel so small.....so empty......like a bottomless vessel......

I want to run and scream so loudly.....but I don't know where to go......

I WANT MY BABY BACK!!!!!!

I want to be held.....

I feel so cheated.....and ripped-off.......

I wonder "WHY?"

"WHY ME?"......."WHY MY BABY?".....

I saw this baby as a blessing in disguise....an unexpected gift from above.....a new life to help me to start my new life....

I naively believed that it was a sign of good times to come....blessings for me and my boys.....

Bennett was and still is a blessing from the Creator.....but I had hoped for so much more also......

I have to believe that one day something/someone wonderful will walk back into my life......but until that day comes.....the pain is unbearable.....yet I am getting by......

By the grace of God, and feeling of Bennett's presence surrounding me....I am getting by.....

There are no regrets in my life.....

I pray for mutual love and comfort to come my way one day soon.....and appreciate those of you who are able to give so freely of yourselves during this time in my life.

Much love and gratitude to you all......

CALLING ALL SKEPTICS!

2008-03-01T19:34:00.003-05:00

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

I WAS JUST PULLING SOME PICS OFF OF MY MOTHER'S CAMERA AND I CAME ACROSS THIS ONE......
IT MADE THE HAIRS ON MY ARMS STAND UP......IT WAS TAKEN THE FIRST EVENING OF BENNETT'S WAKE, HERE IN MY FATHER'S HOME. WE HAD JUST ENDED A SHARING OF SONG AND SPIRITUALITY, AND BRENDAN DECIDED TO TAKE OVER THE ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT.

MY MOTHER TOOK A PIC OF HIM, AND I JUST NOW SAW IT FOR THE FIRST TIME.

BENNETT WAS HERE IN SPIRIT, SURROUNDING HIS DADDY WITH LOVE.....(LOOK AT THE ORB OF LIGHT BY CHAD'S HEAD......this same orb appears in a couple of other pics as well....very unexplainable)

~*My Baby is an Angel*~

~Today is International Babylost Mother's Day~

~March 13th ~ TRISOMY 13 AWARENESS DAY~

~MARCH is TRISOMY AWARENESS MONTH~

~What makes a Mother?~

~Reflections of Cystic Fibrosis~

Drop-side Cribs to be Banned in U.S.

~Hats of Hope ~ Project 150~

~♥ ♥ TODAY WE REMEMBER UNITED, EVERY DAY WE REMEMBER IN OUR HEARTS ♥ ♥ ~

~ ♥ ♥ Today, we remember united; Every day we remember in our hearts ♥ ♥ ~

~LaBelleDame.com~Jewelry to nurture and support the spirit~

~CLAIRE'S HOPE~

~HALO SLEEPSACK~

♪♫♪♫♪ ~ INTRODUCING BENNETT ~ ♪♫♪♫♪

~PROJECT SWEET PEAS featured on Good Morning America!!

~Reflections of our Final Day~

~PROJECT SWEET PEAS on GOOD MORNING AMERICA!

~FIRST NIMKEE BLESSINGS FUNDRAISER~

~NIMKEE BLESSINGS LOGO REVEALED!

~NIMKEE BLESSINGS~ Project Sweet Peas

~When A Baby Dies~

~JOSIAH'S JOURNEY~

"Welcome to Josiah's Journey!

~**~FACES OF TRISOMY~**~

~TRISOMY 13 AWARENESS VIDEO~

~Highlighting CDH ~ Denise's quilt

~BENNETT~CHADLEN~*~NICU DAYS~

~KIERNAN'S KINDNESS

~NOAH-ALEXANDER GOLDER~

~BENNETT-CHADLEN'S ANGEL DAY~APRIL 6, 2007

~Breaking the silence of the taboo subject of Infant Loss~

~Meet Nathan~A Trisomy 13 Survivor

~*~I HAVE A DREAM~*~

~A New Year~~endless possibilities!

Dear Nimkee.......

From the Heart of a Parent, another NILMDTS video

Brendan's Awareness Project for his Baby Brother Nimkee

Pray for Ava!

The Bear-ers of Grace

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Homesick~Mercy Me

Blessings in hidden places......

Roadblocks of Reality

From Katie....^Angel^ Austin's Mommy

Bennett-Chadlen's 1st Heavenly Birthday pics

From Beverly.....gchi-miigwech!

R.I.P Macy- Moo - An inspiration to us all xXx

Thank you Micayla & ^Angel^Faith....xxooxxoo

The New Normal.......what is it???

Broken~Hearted Lullabies......my new group

July 28, 2007---1:14 a.m.

Everything I know....I learned from Bennett-Chadlen.....

Happy Father's Day

June 6th,.....2 months today

NIMKEE

One month later.....

What I learned today.....a day of self-discovery

Why?

Home again.......15 days later......

For Grieving Fathers.....

A POEM FOR BENNETT-CHADLEN.......FROM DAISY

Today.....14 days later......

Bennett's Obituary

To my friends.......

My Daily Prayer....

A BIG, BIG DAY.....

Food for Thought

Monday, April 16th.....I can't believe it's been 10 days already........

It's 12:49 am.....& I can't sleep.....

My first visit to Bennett's grave

Today.....

CALLING ALL SKEPTICS!

~My Baby is an Angel~

FACES OF TRISOMY

~~I HAVE A DREAM~~